Azathoth
Member
Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
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 Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 9:54 pm Post subject: |
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This is a good premise you've got here. Noobish marine stranded alone in the middle of nowhere gets to take on the Covenant by himself. Take care, however, that you do not fall into the fairly common plot hole that is the
OMG SUPER MARINE!!1!!
Too often around here, we see Marines who can take on teams of Elites, beat down Brutes, shoot Hunters to death, wrestle Flood Combat Forms, board Ghosts, and take a plasma pistol overcharge to the face, all without any ill effects. The fact that your Marine is a noob to combat makes this even more important. I mean, he's never even seen Covies up close and personal before, he's not gonna be able to slaughter them like the Grim Reaper in Marine Green.
Aside from that, the story is a little bit sloppy. There are quite a few minor GPS errors...
| You wrote: | | Aboard "BigMac" - New Mombasa June 26th 2551 |
I assume, since New Mombasa is already destroyed, that you mean 2552.
| You wrote: | | The Pelicans egines thundered as Bigmac descended into the skyline of what used to be New Mombasa. |
Pelican's and engines. Also, I know what you're trying to say here, but New Mombasa doesn't really have much of a skyline anymore.
| You wrote: | | What was once a busteling technologically advanced city was now a leveled wasteland covered in debris. The Covenant had been here and made sure to wipe out any human contacts in the area. They succeeded with flying colors. |
There's no 'e' in 'bustling', and remember your commas here.
| You wrote: | | "Wirth! Wake up damnit!" Private Wirth shook his head, "Yes sir, sorry sir!" Being aboard one of these Pelicans was a new experience for him and he couldnt help but be amazed by the Pelican's smooth ride and ability to manuver through the air so efficiently. |
New speaker should mean a new paragraph. Couple minor spelling/grammar mistakes.
The rest of the story is the same: mostly fine, but tripped up with a few tiny little errors every paragraph. Most of these could be ironed out just by a bit more proofreading. Take a bit more time when previewing your stories to look for this sort of thing.
Anyway, I hope you'll consider some of this, and I look forward to reading the rest of the series. |
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