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Zan 'Socromee Chapter 2

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 3:16 pm    Post subject: Zan 'Socromee Chapter 2 Reply with quote

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Zan 'Socromee Chapter 2
Posted by Hank Williams (Hank_Williams)
9 March 2007, 2:34 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Hank_William0309070234111.html
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice dude! I saw a couple of errors in there just like wording in certain sentences but it wasn't too much of a problem. Just make sure to proof before posting. I like where this is going. I know it is basically the halo storyline with some twists but I like it. I have always loved the Elites and hated the Brutes.

Keep it up.
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Digi7
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 9:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was an awesome story! I can't wait to see what happens next!
That was an excellent cliffhanger!
You got the attitude between the Elites and the Brutes perfectly!
There were a couple of typing errors, but that didn't take away one bit!
10 outta 10 for me!
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 9:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, but take care that you respect the Covenant as aliens. They aren't human, and it's a common mistake to write dialogue and thought for them in human-style idiom. They think and speak very formally, and there were a couple of dangerously human-style behaviors, the worst being Zan saying 'ok'. No Elite, least of all one as important as a Councilor, would even think of saying such a phrase.

Still, good work, and keep going with this.
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Hank Williams
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 2:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, this is a pleasant surprise to see these many comments Smile thank you.

When I read it over I was thinking that those words sounded pretty human. I will really have to watch my back next time. Thanks.

Also, if you don't mind pointing out the sentence mistakes/typos, if at all possible Razz I'll read through it again, but may not find them. Thanks.

Thanks guys.
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 3:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sure:

Quote:
But no Brute would kill an Elite, not with the how the Prophets view the Elites.


Not a GPS error, but not strictly correct, either--one of the Grunts in Conversations mentions that a Brute called 'Bracktanus' had killed an Elite in argument 'within spitting distance' of a holy place and gone away a free man. Err, free Brute.

Quote:
"Step back, Elite, this is a private chamber," the Brute snarled.


Should be a period after Elite there.

Quote:
He would speak to the noble Prophet of Truth about this lie, and see that the Brute is stripped of his rank.


Tense changes in the middle of the sentence. Watch out for those. I have to spend a lot of time on my own work proofreading those out.

Quote:
"And the final stages of the Great Journey will take place very soon, and here comes Tartarus," Truth said as Tartarus came through the door.


Again, not GPS, but an awkward sentence. I might rephrase it like this:

I, on the spur of the moment wrote:
Truth leaned forward, dropping his voice almost to a whisper. "The final stages of our preparations are at hand, Councilor. Soon the Great Journey will begin. And it will be the Brutes, not your people, that begin it."


A bit more flow to that, you see? That wasn't very good, because I spent about five seconds on it. But still, better flow.

Quote:
Truth eyed Zan and smiled at him.
"Taking the Elites…" he motioned once more to the Brutes. "OUT of the picture,"
The Brutes closed in on Zan, who looked at Truth. Zan almost smiled.
"Your plan has a flaw, Truth," he said, looking straight at him.
"Oh? And what might that be?" Truth asked him.


Dramatic scene here, but I just don't see Truth as the gloating-prematurely type of evil overlord. He's more the type, I think, who waits for the Infection Form to chomp on the guy's neck, or the Honor Guards to sneak up on the guy and beat him down. Then, while the guy is in his death throes, he starts gloating. Still, I guess that isn't particularly viable here, so no real complaint.

Overall, this has far fewer mistakes than last time, and it's a better read altogether. Nice job!
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Hank Williams
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 3:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, thank you.

Tense has been a real problem for me. I have a habit of writing in present, so I'm trying to write in past. Thanks for pointing that out.

I'm going to have to look more carefully next time Razz Thanks.

And I didn't know about the Conversations From The Universe, because for some reason I never got one in my Collector's Edition.
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 2:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm. You got your copy used, I assume? Man, I hate it when people keep the manuals or whatever. Anyway, the Conversations can be found here.
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Hank Williams
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 1:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nope, I actually got it pre-order and everything. Is it a seperate book from the manual?

Really weird, because I never seem to get these things...

Thanks for the link Smile
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 9:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, it's a little twelve-page booklet. Separate from the manual. Although the Limited Edition manual gives some good insight into the Arbiter's character, by the way.
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Hank Williams
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 11:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, excellent. Thanks. I'll have to look it over again.
Or - rather - for the first time Razz
I'm also in the process of putting final touches on the next chapter, and it should (hopefully) be in the next update Razz
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