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The life of the Holy ones

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2004 3:51 pm    Post subject: The life of the Holy ones Reply with quote

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The life of the Holy ones
Posted by Aaron Nestor (Stonesourfan696@Yahoo.com)
6 November 2004, 1:55 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=aaron_nestor.1106040155551.html
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Solidus Snake
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 281
Location: A dying Metal Community

PostPosted: Thu Nov 11, 2004 3:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My God that was just one big ass paragraph. Might want to use The Code, make the story longer and more interesting, and seperate the paragraphs.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 10:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know, giving your readers a really big headache should not be on the top of your list of things to do.
Separate that block of text into defined paragraphs with a subject and structure. Use the Code also.
Use a lot more detail. All you seemed to do was tell us what the guy did. He went there, he did this. Well, you need to describe it so that its not all just dull and non-interesting. Get some material in there.
You have to use better grammar and punctuation as well.

Overall, it could have been good. But, lack of detail and proper writing skills took away from the whole thing. Work hard for your next.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2004 3:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've shat better stories than this. And they made it to print Wink .
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