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Zan ‘Socromee

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 5:54 pm    Post subject: Zan ‘Socromee Reply with quote

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Zan ‘Socromee
Posted by Hank Williams (Hank_Williams)
28 February 2007, 2:48 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Hank_William0228070248311.html
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BBCode tags are case-sensitive, incidentally.
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Hank Williams
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Joined: 05 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 4:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azathoth wrote:
BBCode tags are case-sensitive, incidentally.


Oh. Right. Thank you. Any comments on the story?
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Digi7
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Joined: 22 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 7:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a cool concept. Pretty good writing, but I have a sweet idea for a sequel:
Okay, you know those 2 Elite Councillors that have been captured by the Brutes, along with a pair of Hunters on the level The Great Journey?
(just before you reach the Scarab)
See where I'm getting at? Huh? Huh?
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Azathoth
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 8:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
Oh. Right. Thank you. Any comments on the story?


Oops. I was planning to make that into a review, but I never got around to it.

Here we go. The story was pretty good, but I have a couple of quibbles:

You wrote:
After a minute of silence, a large sound (similar to that of a drum) rung through the Council Chamber which silenced every Elite and Prophet in the chamber.


There's no need to shut off a phrase like that with parantheses. Commas would do just as well, and they look smoother. Also, quite minor, but it's 'rang', not 'rung'. At least in this case.

You wrote:
Zan looked away "if you say so, friend."


You wrote:
Zan turned his head away from Toro "Yes, I am sure their work is quite holy…"


You wrote:
The Elite nodded "Yes. They called it… Pillar of Autumn."


You wrote:
The Elite looked at Regret strangely "Blinded?"


See the pattern? You need a period before the quotes if the quotes aren't a direct part of the sentence. It's not a problem when it happens once or twice, but more than that starts to disrupt the story's flow a little.

You wrote:
The Elite slowly nodded, "Yes, I suppose I am to blame for the destruction of the Sacred Ring, but there was only one ship."


Here, again, you need to watch for that period. More to the point, this is a bit of an awkward segue into the game's dialog. The Supreme Commander is already in deep crap. Pointing out that there was only one ship would only make his case worse.

I always imagined something like Regret mocking him about a human fleet, until he admitted that there wasn't a whole fleet, there was only one ship. But that's just my little vision, and I won't force it on you.

Anyway, this was a good effort, and I'd like to see more of your work.
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Hank Williams
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 2:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry for those mistakes. I will try my hardest not to make the same mistake twice, and I hope to have the second one done by next Friday's Fan Fic update.
Thank you for the comment and pointing out my mistake Smile and thanks for the idea.
Also, sorry if I ruined your vision or anything Razz
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