HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

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The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Part II, Chapter II: Ambush in the fields)
Posted by Insomnia (sjp0131@hotmail.com)
6 November 2004, 12:34 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=insomnia.1106040034526.html

Syotica · Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2004 4:46 pm Post subject:

Okay, this is the third-to-last chapter. Comments would be appreciated.
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MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Shadows, not Creeps, Shadows.
Heh, that's what you get for posting before Halo 2, eh?
Also, don't just say "Shadows (should be Spectre or something like that), the new vehicles..." describe it, explain why it's new and that kind of stuff.

Anyway.
Things didn't flow that smoothly. You need some more detail as well. Things were just bland and went by quickly and without explenation. Also, when you were talking about weapons and vehicles, you used similar names for both species. Fix that. Use the names of the indivual weapons and vehicles so that battle scenes are clear and non-confusing.

Overall, it was pretty good, but things just weren't fluid. Also, most of that sounded fairly generic, withoug anything to spice it up. So, keep working.
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Syotica · Posted: Fri Nov 12, 2004 10:33 am Post subject:

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 5:18 am Post subject:

It was okay, but it kinda lacked detail, and everything else MC already said. But the storyline is excellent. I'll give it a 10 out of 15.
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