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The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Part II, Chapter II: Ambush

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2004 3:51 pm    Post subject: The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Part II, Chapter II: Ambush Reply with quote

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The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Part II, Chapter II: Ambush in the fields)
Posted by Insomnia (sjp0131@hotmail.com)
6 November 2004, 12:34 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=insomnia.1106040034526.html
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 11, 2004 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, this is the third-to-last chapter. Comments would be appreciated.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 11, 2004 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shadows, not Creeps, Shadows.
Heh, that's what you get for posting before Halo 2, eh?
Also, don't just say "Shadows (should be Spectre or something like that), the new vehicles..." describe it, explain why it's new and that kind of stuff.

Anyway.
Things didn't flow that smoothly. You need some more detail as well. Things were just bland and went by quickly and without explenation. Also, when you were talking about weapons and vehicles, you used similar names for both species. Fix that. Use the names of the indivual weapons and vehicles so that battle scenes are clear and non-confusing.

Overall, it was pretty good, but things just weren't fluid. Also, most of that sounded fairly generic, withoug anything to spice it up. So, keep working.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 12, 2004 10:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

MC's Cousin wrote:
Shadows, not Creeps, Shadows.
Heh, that's what you get for posting before Halo 2, eh?


Yeah, it was a week before it, so I could not read the online manual either. Error fixed.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 5:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was okay, but it kinda lacked detail, and everything else MC already said. But the storyline is excellent. I'll give it a 10 out of 15.
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