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Halo 2 ---- Forerunners Palace----Chp 1 : Eyes up Front

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2004 3:51 pm    Post subject: Halo 2 ---- Forerunners Palace----Chp 1 : Eyes up Front Reply with quote

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Halo 2 ---- Forerunners Palace----Chp 1 : Eyes up Front
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
5 November 2004, 6:31 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.1105040631191.html
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 11, 2004 2:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well first I think they would have notice a Halo by Pluto long before the Covenant arived. And you said that, The Humans activated it and used it for themselves. Activated what and used it how? I'm pretty sure if they activated Halo it would have killed the Human race and Covenant. Plus, why the hell is the Chief gonna attack the Forerunners for? This story was confusing as hell. Nothing was hardly explained and didn't give much reason for many things in this story. Need to be more detailed.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Thu Nov 11, 2004 10:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pfft. Yet another "Earth under seige" story.

You need a stand-alone plot and setting. I'll say that right off the bat.

- Dave.
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Pajari
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 11, 2004 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was bland, the plot is ripped directly from Halo, and there are some spelling and gramattical errors. Overall a below-average piece. Like Dave Luck said, you need a stand-alone plot for your story to stand out.

I keep saying this and I'm getting sick of it: more description and deeper exploration of events. You need to show us every nuance of your story for ourselves, not expect us to fill in the gaps.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 12, 2004 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Third work, eh? That's three too many without coding.
That epilogue was really bland. Pluto? Yup, I'm positive that someone would have noticed something like that in Sol. Also, yup again, you wouldn't be able to activate Halo without severe reprocussions; like, the destruction of all sentient life in the galexy. I'm sorry, not that Humans are stupid, but they wouldn't be able to get into the tech of another Halo enough to modify it to not hurt themselves.
Also, how did the Covenant forces get repelled? You need to consider all of that before you write a story. Don't write because "what the heck? why not?", you have to think about your story and every component of it. If you don't it will be well below par, and people won't like it.

You also need to research some military stuff. For one, a Private First Class (a non-commissioned officer) would not be on a bridge; second, the Navy doesn't have Privates.
Have you read the Halo books? Well, you need to read them very thoroughly right now. You'll understand things a lot better.

Details as well. Let me put simply: show us, don't tell us.

And I have that question also: why would the Chief attack the Forerunners?

Overall, you have some major work to do. Watch your spelling and grammar. Get multiple people to proofread the story. Keep practicing.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:07 am    Post subject: I am now a Member so just ask questions Reply with quote

Sorry but i didn't see what the code was...i posted number 2 in the thing already...but dont read it...i have my toher great story in my cpu that is 110 pages so far.....i need to change it cause of the recent events...so please keep on posting comments...thatnks
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 3:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've just sent you a little message, Mr. Lieberg.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I stopped after the third paragraph. A private. Giving orders and- Let me put it this way:

Rank tree:

Private third class
Private second class
Private first class
Corporal/Specialist
Sergeant (I'm not going to include all the different types of sergeant.)
2nd Lieutenant
1rst Lieutenant
Captain
Major
Colonel
Brigadier General
Major General
Lieutenant General
5 star General

That tree is for the army but you get the point. I'm not going to rail on you for anything else though, OK? Good.
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Brigade_of_marines
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 3:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You forgot plain General. That is a 4 star commanding officar. I should know my half-uncle is one.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm. Well, I think that this rank thing is great. New writers need to learn military stuff like this. But, since we're talking about Halo here, and we have Marines and have yet to see any signs of the Army...

Just look at this:
    Private
    Private First Class
    Lance Corporal

    Corporal
    Sergeant
    Staff Sergeant
    Gunnery Sergeant
    Master Sergeant / Sergeant First Class
    Sergeant Major

    Second Lieutenant
    First Lieutenant
    Captain
    Major
    Lieutenant Colonel
    Colonel
    Brigadier General
    Major General
    Lieutenant General
    General


I may have left a couple out or forgotten about something, but, there you go.
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