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Court of Darkness (chapter six): Halls of the Damned

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 2:35 pm    Post subject: Court of Darkness (chapter six): Halls of the Damned Reply with quote

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Court of Darkness (chapter six): Halls of the Damned
Posted by Chuckles
16 February 2007, 4:02 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Chuckles0216070402441.html
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CarbonElite
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 10:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man, you always have some excellent writing. Can't wait for your next installment.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 10:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In the category of harmless mistakes that come about during last minute edits and make you sound like a three year-old:
Quote:
The man in black thought for a moment. "Does they have small craft?"

Oh, I'm good Very Happy

C.T. Clown
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me
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well. A superb update besdies that mistake, and let me say that you had me scared during the childs section of the story. Not so much a OH MY GOD ITS SCARY, but more a NO WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN ME TO READ!

I should probably delete this because people will miss what I was talking about and think I was flaming your update...
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 7:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chuckles wrote:
In the category of harmless mistakes that come about during last minute edits and make you sound like a three year-old:
Quote:
The man in black thought for a moment. "Does they have small craft?"

Oh, I'm good Very Happy

C.T. Clown


At least you didn't butcher an indent tag.


Quote:
and then noticed something that made his eyes go wide.

Oh my God! I can move the seven over here and—he flipped another card over—a king!


Just as my adrenaline spikes, anti-climacticity strikes. Man, you had me going. I thought for certain that something in his sandwich had infected him with the plague. That's one of the things I love about your writing: the pacing. You know the perfect points to slow the action down and let the reader emotionally reset. And I love the way you develop such a minor character in less than a full chapter. Within a few paragraphs I had the whole measure of him. Excellent work, sir.


Quote:
As darkness descended on Lifford that evening, every door was shut and every lock was turned—except one.


Never let it be said that you don't know who to write foreshadowing, man. Razz


Yet another excellent chapter. It'll be interesting to see where the Wiley-Lexicus connection goes. Very interesting, indeed.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 7:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Secondly, where are the rest of the comments? You ought to have about two pages by now. There were, what, six stories in this update? C'mon, you deserve better than this. Evil or Very Mad
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Radont
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent job as usual with this one. You're characters were very well defined, especially Purves, that guy was just plain disturbing for some reason. I liked the contrast between his personality and that of Moretti.

Your description of the soldiers assaulting the house was perfect, I laughed every single time I read it. The best part? This:

Quote:

"She ain't gonna come out, sir."

"Don't you think I know that, Lieutenant?"


The lack of professionalism of the comment was perfectly in keeping with your description of what kind of people were at the base.

I also liked this part:

Quote:

Moving cautiously, he walked through the next doorway—and nearly jumped out of his skin when the door across the room exploded into a thousand pieces and Marines poured into the house.

"Lower your weapon!" a nervous soldier yelled as somebody outside screamed for a medic. "Do it now!"


Great addition there having someone yell for a medic. At first I thought "Why would they be yelling for a medic? Did rebels get out and start attacking?" Then I remembered 'inept soldiers + breaching charge = casualties'.

The ending was effectively creepy and had enough description to put me in Benny's place. I'm glad I read that part during the daytime (and proofread it at work with all the lights on).
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 11:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome. I'm keeping this review short due to the fact that I'm missing the helpfulness of an appendage - broken collar bone, you see.

I really disliked that Kevin Purves character, truly reminded me of all those incompetent, asshole bosses in the world. He had that slab of metal coming to him. Wink

The ending was great, just as I predicted. Twisted Evil I really placed myself in his shoes and found it to be terrifying. Classic Chuckles horror.

Overall, good stuff. I'll be waiting for your next one.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice, Chuckles. Once again the intro was just great: chilling in a way that you don't immediately recognize why. Even before the presumed resurrection, the whole scene had a creepy feel to it. Excellent establishment of the mood.

This was a more action-oriented chapter than the rest and it was done very well; probably because instead of gratuitous fight scenes you made it more about the suspense and atmosphere of the combat. For example, in the part about storming O'Carrol's safehouse you describe the ineptness of the soldiers and show the scene from multiple viewpoints, with Wiley commenting, "If push came to shove, these guys would get shoved badly." Later, when Sagus was carrying the wounded Helljumper, you mention he had a "smoking twelve-millimeter automatic in his right hand" and tells the soldiers to "follow the bodies." This was a very slick way to handle the action, making it far more interesting than detailing the minutiae of the fight.

Character development, as usual, was fantastic. As a fan of character driven stories, I am very appreciative of your ability to consistently create interesting, three dimensional characters. Perhaps the best example in this chapter was the scene with Purves. First of all, you gave the setting itself some depth with the interesting backstory of The Wild which I quite enjoyed. Then, you introduced this unusual, apathetic character whose personality is revealed through his bizarre conversation with Moretti and his insistence on finishing his card game in the middle of a crisis. It is implied that he is mentally damaged in some way - perhaps in charge for this very reason. All around, very well done. Other characters continue their development as well. O'Carrol's reluctance to blow the building with Sean inside and Sagus's fierce defense of his friend also added complexity and emotion to the story.

Besides the error you already mentioned I didn't find any GPS errors. There was only one thing I didn't really like in this installment. The scene where Sagus confronts the soldier who is hesitant in calling the medic didn't sit well with me. While this further demonstrates the incompetence of the soldiers, I thought his gushing pushed the limits of believability. Sagus pulling a weapon on a friendly was also somewhat absurd; not because it didn't fit with his character but because he was surrounded by confused, nervous, and untrained men with guns who were also the man's comrades. I just couldn't see it.

Anywho, another great chapter. You continually impress me with your ability to bring all the disparate pieces of this series together like an elaborate jigsaw puzzle.

I eagerly look forward to the next one.

- Arthur
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Eagle117
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 3:22 pm    Post subject: Excellent Story Reply with quote

One of my close friends who is a member here recommened the Fan fics written by Chuckles to me. After reading all of the works, they seem to get better and better. Excellent potrayal of charecters, and Wiley is one of my favorites. You never know where or who he will be next. Keep em coming, cause reading them is one of the highlights of my day!
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 22, 2007 8:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, god. I thought I had caught up, but when I started reading, I realized that I must have missed a chapter.

Still, an extraordinary story you got going there. It always amazes me how store-bought novels often fall short of the kind of excitement your stories generate. That is, fucking awesome.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 10:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CarbonElite wrote:
Quote:
Man, you always have some excellent writing. Can't wait for your next installment.

Thanks. The next chapter will be up a lot quicker than the last one ... which isn't saying much Very Happy

me wrote:
Quote:
Well. A superb update besdies that mistake, and let me say that you had me scared during the childs section of the story. Not so much a OH MY GOD ITS SCARY, but more a NO WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN ME TO READ!

I think that horror works best when it touches everyday life. A few weeks ago, my niece (who really is named Mikaela) was devastated when her three year-old gerbil (who really is named Puff) suddenly died. We held a graveside funeral for the little fur ball and buried him on my mom and dad's property, right next to several other departed pets. Her dad even started singing "When the Roll is Called Up Yonder." At that point it became impossible to keep a straight face, but I managed to hide my laughter from the child. Anyway, Mikaela has an incredible imagination and likes to visit imaginary places. After talking to me recently, she told her mom (my sister) that she ought to take me to Narnia with her sometime. I gave Mikaela a copy of the opening, but cut it off after she found Puff in her imaginary world. Thanks for the comment, me.

Ster wrote:
Quote:
Just as my adrenaline spikes, anti-climacticity strikes. Man, you had me going. I thought for certain that something in his sandwich had infected him with the plague. That's one of the things I love about your writing: the pacing. You know the perfect points to slow the action down and let the reader emotionally reset. And I love the way you develop such a minor character in less than a full chapter. Within a few paragraphs I had the whole measure of him. Excellent work, sir.

Thanks, Ster. I based Major Purves on a supervisor I had years ago. And, at least in this situation, reality is scarier than fiction. He was one of the most screwed up people I have ever met.
Quote:
It'll be interesting to see where the Wiley-Lexicus connection goes. Very interesting, indeed.

Yeah, that will be fun to write. Lex, Wiley and Sagus are some of my longest running characters. Those scenes will write themselves. Thanks for the comments.

Radont wrote:
Quote:
Excellent job as usual with this one. You're characters were very well defined, especially Purves, that guy was just plain disturbing for some reason. I liked the contrast between his personality and that of Moretti.

Like I said above, the guy he was based on was a good deal more disturbing. Seriously, I had to dial it back. Thank God he wasn't a military leader in real life!
Quote:
Your description of the soldiers assaulting the house was perfect, I laughed every single time I read it ... The lack of professionalism of the comment was perfectly in keeping with your description of what kind of people were at the base.

That part was fun to write. It also served to lighten (if only a little) a very dark situation.
Quote:
The ending was effectively creepy and had enough description to put me in Benny's place. I'm glad I read that part during the daytime (and proofread it at work with all the lights on).

Thanks for all that proofreading. You must have read this a dozen times in one form or another. As always, I appreciate it.

CoLd wrote:
Quote:
I'm keeping this review short due to the fact that I'm missing the helpfulness of an appendage - broken collar bone, you see.

Sorry to hear that. Hope you heal up quickly.
Quote:
I really disliked that Kevin Purves character, truly reminded me of all those incompetent, *ssh*le bosses in the world. He had that slab of metal coming to him.

Oh, I must have channeled him well, because (as I said above) he was based on just such a boss. The real guy was so bad that people can hardly believe the stories I tell. When I left that company, I dedicated my entire exit interview to things I personally witnessed him doing in an effort to get him fired--and it took quite a while to get it all out. Thanks for the comment, CoLd.

Arthur wrote:
Quote:
First of all, you gave the setting itself some depth with the interesting backstory of The Wild which I quite enjoyed.

I'm glad to see somebody mention that. I spent some time on that backstory and it's good to know it worked.

Quote:
There was only one thing I didn't really like in this installment. The scene where Sagus confronts the soldier who is hesitant in calling the medic didn't sit well with me. While this further demonstrates the incompetence of the soldiers, I thought his gushing pushed the limits of believability. Sagus pulling a weapon on a friendly was also somewhat absurd; not because it didn't fit with his character but because he was surrounded by confused, nervous, and untrained men with guns who were also the man's comrades. I just couldn't see it.

Given the state of mind Sagus is in, it wouldn't have mattered if there were a hundred soldiers standing there. He's emotionally damaged from the events on Erebus and the man who saved his life on that awful planet is on the edge of death. And that's aside from the fact that they were recently ambushed by rebels in the bar and attacked in their hotel room. Bottom line is that he is all but consumed by rage and therefore doesn't always act rationally and really doesn't care whether he lives or dies. Heck, his attack on on the bartender at the rebel pub (a few chapters ago) was tantamount to suicide. So, yeah, I can see your point, but I can still see Sagus doing just what I wrote.
Quote:
Anywho, another great chapter. You continually impress me with your ability to bring all the disparate pieces of this series together like an elaborate jigsaw puzzle.

Thanks, Art. I hope to have the next one out in a few weeks.

Eagle117 wrote:
Quote:
One of my close friends who is a member here recommened the Fan fics written by Chuckles to me. After reading all of the works, they seem to get better and better. Excellent potrayal of charecters, and Wiley is one of my favorites. You never know where or who he will be next. Keep em coming, cause reading them is one of the highlights of my day!

Thanks. These stories were a lot of fun to write and I'm glad you enjoy them. I appreciate that you took the time to let me know what you thought.

Sev wrote:
Quote:
Oh, god. I thought I had caught up, but when I started reading, I realized that I must have missed a chapter.

Still, an extraordinary story you got going there. It always amazes me how store-bought novels often fall short of the kind of excitement your stories generate. That is, $%*%!ng awesome.

Nice comment Sev, but for the fifty bucks I paid you, I did expect something longer Wink. Seriously, that means a lot coming from a writer such as yourself. And don't feel bad: I'm way behind in my reading as well.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to comment.

C.T. Clown
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houseoftang
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 8:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love the way you open this chapter up, with the little girl and the dog. That there's some NICE writing.
Quote:
Fueled by childish curiosity, she ran behind the building and what she saw made her mouth drop open. Muffled sounds, both like and unlike a dog's bark emanated from the ground as dirt undulated and stirred above the still-fresh grave.

Yeah, that doesn't sound good. Nothing but the darkest from you, eh?

Quote:
Kevin took a large bite of his tuna-cheddar sandwich and then noticed something that made his eyes go wide.

Oh my God! I can move the seven over here and—he flipped another card over—a king!

Head asplodes. . .

Quote:
"I don't know," Purves replied, looking down at the cards, "I'm probably about half done. How long could a game of solitaire take?"

I just love how you set the scene of Tethra, with all the incompetance and corruption. Makes it a very real place--something I think all of us want to do. At least, that's what I want to do.

Quote:
As an assassin, Wiley could live with the knowledge that he had caused or allowed an individual's death; but what about the deaths of millions? Was he an honest-to-God monster like Mr. Black or would he end up swallowing the business end of his automatic and gladly pulling the trigger?

If he were a better philosopher, he might be able to convince himself that allowing deaths is very different from causing them. Especially if you can convince yourself that you can't stop them. Most Americans have gotten themselves into that mentality, after all.

Quote:
and this he couldn't look away

This time?

The parts about the incompetent soldiers was good for comic relief. Very nice.
Quote:
Without a hint of emotion in his cold blue eyes, Wiley held his weapon steady and glanced back and forth between ONI agent and Spartan. After a long moment, he steeled his nerve and spoke four explosive words.

"I need your help."

Very, very nice. Like a scene out of a first-class movie.

Quote:
In the category of harmless mistakes that come about during last minute edits and make you sound like a three year-old:
Quote:
The man in black thought for a moment. "Does they have small craft?"

Oh, I'm good

Yeah, I was wondering what farmer was wandering out of the building with one eye. And then I wondered why Helljumper was talking like a redneck.

Some of the best I've seen here, Chuckles. Sorry I haven't had the opportunity to comment more or sooner on your stories.

Now that I'm caught up, I have to work on my own stuff again. . .
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 8:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

houseoftang wrote:
Quote:
I love the way you open this chapter up, with the little girl and the dog.

I was wondering how that opening would work on here. I wanted to see how far I could go and still bring it back to the eerie subject at hand. Glad to hear it worked.

Quote:
I just love how you set the scene of Tethra, with all the incompetance and corruption. Makes it a very real place--something I think all of us want to do. At least, that's what I want to do.

I've seen more of a trend towards this lately as more authors try and get away from the idea that every colony is ruled by the UNSC.

Quote:
If he were a better philosopher, he might be able to convince himself that allowing deaths is very different from causing them. Especially if you can convince yourself that you can't stop them. Most Americans have gotten themselves into that mentality, after all.

For a guy who bases his entire career on a mound of selfish rationalizations, you'd think he would convince himself of that. But there is a big difference between the idea of allowing a million deaths and the actual act of it. More than one philosopher found his theories too odious to incorporate into his own life. Friedrich Nietzsche is a good example.

Quote:
The parts about the incompetent soldiers was good for comic relief. Very nice.

My stories need some comic relief Very Happy

Thanks for the comments. It is a big help to hear what worked in the story and what didn't. I appreciate it.

C.T. Clown
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

man that was amazing. i guess everyone already covered any mistakes but man... wow the story keeps twisiting in ways i can never seem to follow. It feels like it is really happening! Anyway great job and i look forward to the next.

Keep it up.

Caleb
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