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HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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 Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 7:19 am Post subject: |
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Nice job. I think I can discern the Halo connection, although there was nothing explicit. I like the idea of "the crumbling Man." Nice use of imagery, that. He's crumbling and fading even though Man never thought that it would happen to him. How could so much history come to a complete and utter end? It never seemed possible until it happened. At least, that's what I got out of it. The only thing that seemed off to me was the use of the word "hath." It didn't seem to fit. And if that's all that hath gone ill with your poem, thou hast done well indeed 
C.T. Clown |
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
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Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 7:33 am Post subject: |
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Hahaha, thank thou for the comment, Chuckles. 
And yeah, I tried to avoid using any real Halo reference, I wanted this to be a poem that could have multiple meanings with no visible strings to the video game universe. You nailed the big one, so good job on that.
Just a note, I wasn't really expecting to post this, I was just looking over the fan fics when I saw that pretty little submission form button, so I clicked it and wrote down this poem, all in the span of ten minutes. I wanted to do something different, something... Severian. 
Thanks again, Chuckles, and I agree that the word was out of place, but remember, I went... Severian.
Yes, bad excuse, I don't know what I was thinking. It seemed like a good idea at the time.  |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 9:13 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I wanted to do something different, something... Severian. |
And well done, because my very first thought was that it sounded like Sev's writing. In fact, I almost put that in my comment. If it was Sev, however, wouldn't it have been more like the crumbling Couch or the crumbling Ottoman? Or maybe The Great Big Crumbling Couch, a children's show hosted by a psychotic Clown with big orange hair and MJOLNIR armor
C.T. Clown |
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
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Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 9:24 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | And well done, because my very first thought was that it sounded like Sev's writing. |
Well, that's good. I actually do have quite a bit of originality in my veins, you know.
| Quote: | | Or maybe The Great Big Crumbling Couch, a children's show hosted by a psychotic Clown with big orange hair and MJOLNIR armor |
You know, that actually sounds like a great idea... let me call my accomplice at the film industry. Why beat around the bush when it comes to educating small children via television? I say scare the SHIT out of them instead!  I like your thinking, clown. |
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Sentinel
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 14
Location: Austin, Texas
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| Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 4:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Well, that's good. I actually do have quite a bit of originality in my veins, you know. |
Indeed you do Cold.
That was quite interesting. Everything can be lost within even the most precious seconds. |
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Guardian
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Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.
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| Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 4:50 pm Post subject: |
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| Flood. |
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 4:56 pm Post subject: |
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I often find it difficult to comment on poems. There is so much artistic liberty involved that it is not easy to judge its inherent quality.
This was quite different. It was probably the best poem I've ever read here. Great imagery, an excellently conveyed theme, and, with a few exceptions, a consistent rhyming scheme. It was very well put together all round. Bravo, sir - poetry is not an easy thing to do this well.
- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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| Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 5:24 pm Post subject: TBOTG? Sheesh, man! |
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| You wrote: | With thoughts diverted,
The crumbling Man sighs,
His mind converted but his body hath died. |
Seeing how you stringently followed rhyming conventions earlier, I was a bit surprised why you didn't, in the last line shown above, write "His mind converted as his body dies," or something to that effect.
Otherwise, I thought this was good. Poetry is not an area I claim to have much knowledge in, so I can't say much other than it was well flowing and had good content. I felt that you covered maybe too much here, as if this was more of a "general" perspective, but again, nonetheless good.
-R |
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
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Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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| Sentinel wrote: | | That was quite interesting. Everything can be lost within even the most precious seconds. |
Thanks for the comment, and that's completely true. Even the largest, most powerful being can be killed in seconds. And are you the Sentinel that used to be on the old system?
Nope.
| Arthur wrote: | | This was quite different. It was probably the best poem I've ever read here. Great imagery, an excellently conveyed theme, and, with a few exceptions, a consistent rhyming scheme. It was very well put together all round. Bravo, sir - poetry is not an easy thing to do this well. |
Thanks a lot, Arthur, this means a lot. Poetry is always something I've excelled at. And the consistent rhyming scheme, I know which parts you're referring to, but I didn't really lay down a specific ABAB pattern - this was free verse, as you can tell by the stanzas that completely switch tune. Your comment is appreciated. 
| Russ wrote: | | I was a bit surprised why you didn't, in the last line shown above, write "His mind converted as his body dies," or something to that effect. |
Really? I surprised you? Were you shocked, amazed... perhaps even a little flabbergasted? 
More seriously, though, read what I wrote and you wrote - I think, if you read it anything like I did, that it doesn't flow as well (concerning yours). And awhile 'dies' it just as suitable as 'died', they still have the same effect (died is an irregular rhyme, just like 'path' and 'back'). Only thing I didn't like was how dies implied that his body is still in the process, whereas died implies that it's already gone.
| Russ wrote: | | I felt that you covered maybe too much here, as if this was more of a "general" perspective, but again, nonetheless good. |
I'm going to have to ask you to clarify 'general' perspective. And I'm not going to back away from this one, I thought the length was suiting. First it has the last words of the Man, then the thoughts, then another passage concerning his body (which if you notice is right in the middle of the poem), then thoughts again, and then his inevitable death. I understand where you're coming from, though.
Thank you everyone! |
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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| Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 11:28 pm Post subject: |
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Heh. A little gratifying to see mine own name so prominently discussed--which proves Vec40's point, I guess.
Excellent poem, man. And I can definitely empathize with that feeling of ripping out a poem, all on the submission page, and clicking the 'submit' button. I do it all the time.
By the way, it would have been a crumbling sofa. Just sounds more classy then 'couch.' |
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
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Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 6:37 am Post subject: |
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| Sev wrote: | | A little gratifying to see mine own name so prominently discussed--which proves Vec40's point, I guess. |
If you want to look at it that way, sure.
| Sev wrote: | | Excellent poem, man. And I can definitely empathize with that feeling of ripping out a poem, all on the submission page, and clicking the 'submit' button. |
Thanks a lot. I love that feeling, too... it's so raw, so fresh, so... unedited!
I think Le Crumbling Sofa would suffice, too. |
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