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Dies Irae- III

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 11:48 am    Post subject: Dies Irae- III Reply with quote

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Dies Irae- III
Posted by Cthulhu117 (azathoth117@gmail.com)
26 January 2007, 1:37 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cthulhu1170126070137391.html
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houseoftang
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
After his seventh glass it occurred to him that it might not be particularly wise to become this intoxicated while involved in the critical matters he had inadvertently become a part of.


Alright, that does it. I'm definitely doing the bar scene in my own story. I was debating the idea of leaving it out. Drinking on the job=not sweating the small stuff.

Quote:
what felt exactly like very cold ballistics gel.

Nitpicking here. It's ballistic gelatin (or gel, if you prefer). Not "ballistics", if you want to be dead-on correct about it. I think ballistic gelatin sounds better, too, but that's pretty much a matter of opinion, and might not work with the "it was gel" line.

Quote:
He strained his neck against the substance to see if it was.

I think it would be better if you said "was itself blue" or something to that effect, making it clear that he looked to see whether it was the gel or his skin making the blue color. Or maybe you mean his skin--see? It's unclear.

Quote:
The gel wasn't opaque to light, but it was pretty damn close.

Opaque to light as opposed to what? Opaque to thought? I think you'd be better off dropping the words "to light", since opaque usually carries that concept unless you apply it to something else. Like oxygen (though I think that's a bit, or a hair, or a shade of a strain on the word).

Quote:
Aliens could not be hiding on the far side of the moon.

Why not? Presumably aliens can travel.

Quote:
every space b-movie he had ever seen

Usually you capitalize the "B" in B-movie. Gotta drum up business for the companies that make the "shift" keys, right? Wink

Quote:
astronaut- or whatever- locked in a deadly, outmatched struggle

Them's be hyphens. With spaces. Russ is gonna say you should have used em-dashes. I say this because I just dug around and had to figure out where to find them. Here, have a couple: — —. Notice how they're the width of an "m", whereas an en-dash is the width of an "n". And a hyphen is the width of. . . a high fen? Fun stuff. Now we can win Trivial Pursuit: Typesetting Edition.

Quote:
Suddenly, there was a clacking sound as of footsteps

Why not just say "a clacking sound, like footsteps", or even "A clacking sound—footsteps?" You at least need a comma between "sound" and "as".

Quote:
'Sankrithee, although few knew it, had founded the cult some fifty thousand years ago

"The old Councilor" indeed! Human years?

Quote:
The n'Kur said nothing, but the tips of his mandibles paled, and the scales around his eyes contracted in a minute and subtle display of anger.


I do love how you bring in all these compelling details about Sangheili physiology and society. I'd have to call it your distinctive touch--can't no one write an Elite like you.

All in all, very good. Much more impressive than my own error-ridden stuff. You're not subject to many of the problems I am--your writing flows better than mine, is more descriptive, all that jazz. Dies Irae was great from the start, and shows no sign of changing. Cool
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 8:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shows no sign of changing huh? Well, we could fix that, couldn't we. Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Oh I couldn't, but where do you come up with this stuff? I hate it with your plots, you still haven't finished Commander anyway.

-HF06
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 9:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tang, thanks for your help/compliments.

To HF: I am trying to work on Commander, but I'm not really getting any good plot ideas from my subconscious at the moment, and that's how I write my best work. However, I think you could expect another chapter of Commander before the end of February.
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Kodyack
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 1:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think it was good, but could of been better, IT did have a good ending, i cant wait for the next chapter.
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 31, 2007 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
Quote:
'Sankrithee, although few knew it, had founded the cult some fifty thousand years ago.

"The old Councilor" indeed! Human years?


Oops, forgot to answer this.

First off, 'years' should be 'revolutions'. That's an error on my part, I guess.

As to the question, the revolutional period of Sangheil should be more or less equal to the revolutional period of Earth, as the planets have to be roughly the same size. For timing purposes, I think the Sangheili revolutional period is about 350 days. So yes. Very old. Very, very old. I took some liberties with the potential age of the Sangheili; I wanted to have a character who could not only tell you everything about the Halos (if he felt like it) but remembered when they were first found. Well, if I said any more about that I might be giving away a little more than I want to. Very Happy

But many Earth-native reptiles can live for centuries if they develop the proper lifestyle needed to do so. The Galapagos tortoise, for example; they can live to be nearly a thousand, IIRC. They didn't have any natural predators. The Sangheili, being of a very pack-oriented hunting society at first, had no natural predators either. A few exceptional specimens live to be several millennia old. The reason behind 'Sankrithee's longevity, though, is somewhat different...Cool
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houseoftang
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 31, 2007 9:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's all the drinking and hard living, isn't it?

Man, if they have a revolution a day on Sangheil, how could you ever grow old as a Councilor? Or is it that they keep the real leadership and change the feel of the government without making a real difference, like most revolutions?

50,000 revolutions is a fairly reasonable age, then. Tortoises actually become more fertile as they age, not less (unlike humans)--in other words, they age in reverse. Like I said, drinking and hard living.
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 12:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Revolution as in 'going around the sun'. Very Happy
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2007 9:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azathoth wrote:
houseoftang wrote:
Azathoth wrote:
'Sankrithee, although few knew it, had founded the cult some fifty thousand years ago.

"The old Councilor" indeed! Human years?


Oops, forgot to answer this.

First off, 'years' should be 'revolutions'. That's an error on my part, I guess.

As to the question, the revolutional period of Sangheil should be more or less equal to the revolutional period of Earth, as the planets have to be roughly the same size. For timing purposes, I think the Sangheili revolutional period is about 350 days. So yes. Very old. Very, very old. I took some liberties with the potential age of the Sangheili; I wanted to have a character who could not only tell you everything about the Halos (if he felt like it) but remembered when they were first found. Well, if I said any more about that I might be giving away a little more than I want to. Very Happy

But many Earth-native reptiles can live for centuries if they develop the proper lifestyle needed to do so. The Galapagos tortoise, for example; they can live to be nearly a thousand, IIRC. They didn't have any natural predators. The Sangheili, being of a very pack-oriented hunting society at first, had no natural predators either. A few exceptional specimens live to be several millennia old. The reason behind 'Sankrithee's longevity, though, is somewhat different...Cool

Forgive me for losing you now. Almost fifty-thousand years old. Almost anyway. Make your head Asplode indeed.
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houseoftang
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know! His secret is that he smokes filty-smelling cigars all day and drinks all night. That's how most of the really old people I know of have done it.

Quote:
As to the question, the revolutional period of Sangheil should be more or less equal to the revolutional period of Earth, as the planets have to be roughly the same size.


Actually, they don't have to be the same size just roughly the same mass to have the same gravity, if that's what you're after. And even if they were the same size, they wouldn't have to spin at the same rate. Not that there's any reason they can't both be about the same size and spin at the same rate, just don't think you're locked in by the laws of physics here.
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