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invasion.

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 11:48 am    Post subject: invasion. Reply with quote

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invasion.
Posted by paul cooper (lcooper764@aol.com.)
25 January 2007, 12:33 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=paul_cooper0125071233441.html
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Bodie
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Joined: 17 Feb 2006
Posts: 26
Location: Perth, Australia

PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 12:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A few grammar, punctuantion and spelling mistakes.

I'd also write out your numbers. 11 should be eleven. Looks much neater.

And capitalise the first letter of first and last names.

SIA would be capitals I think.

And the species names (Nobles, Prohets, Shadows, etc.) should be capitals too.

Also, some error.

Quote:
6 lone figures walked along a street.


And then

Quote:
These 5 children were in a destination called ferryhill.


Ferryhill should also have a capital.
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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Joined: 17 Apr 2006
Posts: 139
Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!

PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy Hell. You finally listened? Or maybe you realized yourself that you need a capital letter at the beginning of a sentence. But theres still loads of GPS mistakes and no Code. If you want to write good stories and be well known around here then listen to us.

-HF06
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 10:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No need to be that harsh, HF. But you are right.

Paul, you did listen, and the story is better than it was before. But it's still not great. Don't rewrite it, just get better every chapter. Less hassle on Wu.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 12:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stories, once put up, aren't deleted.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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Joined: 17 Apr 2006
Posts: 139
Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!

PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2007 9:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry for the big rant, anyhoo, I just spotted something, you said that an eleven-year-old was the youngest in the group even though you have several the same age. Now he can surely be younger by months or maybe just days but you have to show that in your writing, e.g. "he was the youngest of the group by three months at eleven years old, but he the was the most mature." Assume we know nothing and are dumber than a pack of Grunts in a supermarket.

Plus, not to question your plot but what would a fourteen-year-old and his friends be doing with knowledge of the Foreunners?
You wrote:
But wed be ready.

Firstly, wed should be we'd. But more importantly, how would they be ready, if this is all part of some elaborate plan then tell me, but don't give the plot away. Wink

Lastly, you've shown you can listen to us, I think, so why post back if you can? It's better to reply and get better than to be perfect and not listen.

-HF06
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