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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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houseoftang
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Joined: 01 Apr 2006
Posts: 49
Location: In society, for a little while longer.
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 Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 3:17 am Post subject: |
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Very nice, on the whole. I enjoyed this story and I'm looking forward to seeing the rest of the series.
Writing in the first person is harder, but more authentic. Dostoyevsky always seemed to write in the first person. The main character seems quite substantial and complex. Discomfort with the MC is kind of nice to see in a protagonist--it doesn't happen often.
I thought Major Urdang's humor was a little. . . painful, but I suppose that's character.
I noticed only one GPS error, and one other "error".
| Quote: | | As soon as your Eagles are ready to fly, were loading bravo squad |
You forgot an apostrophe there. "We're".
| Quote: | | Al, Master Chief is with you." |
His actual title is "The Master Chief", at least when spoken about in the third person. Listen closely in the games and you'll hear that he's referred to that way, and only when people are speaking directly to him is he just "Master Chief".
A lovely first submission. Keep up the great work! |
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 11:20 am Post subject: |
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| houseoftang wrote: | | His actual title is "The Master Chief", at least when spoken about in the third person. Listen closely in the games and you'll hear that he's referred to that way, and only when people are speaking directly to him is he just "Master Chief". |
Usually "The Chief" by most of the Marines at a distance then they just say "Chief" when you're in combat and such.
Hmm I just read it and I like where this is going. You seemed to have captured the thoughts of what other soldiers thought of the Spartans that I wanted to portray in my story.
Look forward to the next one.
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.
Will you keep my secrets hope to die? |
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bowog the grunt
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Joined: 16 Jun 2006
Posts: 51
Location: the TARDIS
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 10:29 pm Post subject: |
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you also put "the marines run to the pelicans" it would be better with "ran".
otherwise very good story. |
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