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Halo: The Last Spartans Chapter One 'Updating'

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 11:48 am    Post subject: Halo: The Last Spartans Chapter One 'Updating' Reply with quote

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Halo: The Last Spartans Chapter One 'Updating'
Posted by Adam McCormick (mccormickadamr@yahoo.com)
20 January 2007, 4:20 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Adam_McCormi0120070420321.html
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good. I saw improvement since the last one, but there were a couple trouble spots.
Quote:
the Echoeing Silence.

That is the ship that they are on, but its name is more Covenant than human, or at least that's what it sounds like to me.
Quote:
I'll consult with Cortana. Im not the smartest so she does most of the thinking on our missions.

Yeah, I don't think that is something that the Chief would say. You can make your Spartans act anyway you what (within reason), but try to keep the Chief in context.
Quote:
"Yessir."

This was just a spelling mistake. It should have been, Yes sir.

Overall it was a little short, but it was still good. 8/10
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 10:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, this wasn't too bad, but you need to work on your GPS.

Some other things:

You wrote:
"Seargeant." he said snapping off a crisp salute.

"At ease." replied the man.


The Master Chief outranks a Sergeant. Sergeants are E-5, in terms of pay grade; MCPOs are E-9. I find it a trifle difficult to assume that this is the Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps, which is the only Marine rank which would be higher in the chain of command than MCPO.

And keep the Chief in character. He's about the only character in the Haloverse whose personality is defined strongly enough for it, so make sure the Chief is not OOC.

You also seem to be tending towards throwaway characters. Since the Sergeant is an important character so far, what's his name? Since Cortana was briefly discussed in this chapter, where precisely is she? Who's in command on the Remulot? Think about filling in some of these holes, as it makes the story that much more enjoyable to read.
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SPARTAN-013
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 10:47 pm    Post subject: The Echoeing Silence Reply with quote

Now In the Comment about the Echoeing Silence how it sounds more like a covenant ship. The reason for this is because it was a covenant ship which you will learn about in my third installment.
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 8:51 pm    Post subject: Re: The Echoeing Silence Reply with quote

SPARTAN-013 wrote:
Now In the Comment about the Echoeing Silence how it sounds more like a covenant ship. The reason for this is because it was a covenant ship which you will learn about in my third installment.
Okay, that clears things up, but you should try let us know (even indirectly) what stuff is if it isn't obvious.
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Sebasman
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 9:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good story.

8/10

The only major issue I had with the story was that the sergant, E-5, outranked the Chief, who is an E-9.
Sorry if this has already been adressed; I'm a little tired right now. Neutral
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