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We're not rebels, we just play them on TV: The Other War, P

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 1:09 pm    Post subject: We're not rebels, we just play them on TV: The Other War, P Reply with quote

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We're not rebels, we just play them on TV: The Other War, Part 1 1/2
Posted by houseoftang (houseoftang@sbcglobal.net)
19 January 2007, 12:48 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=houseoftang0119071248121.html
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 10:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another good read, 'tang. I didn't see any GPS errors and the dialog flowed well. 9/10 Razz
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houseoftang
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 12:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks again, Spartan006. I appreciate the apostrophe on my nickname--most people just go straight for the first orange drink in space. I rather like the sci-fi-ish look to it.

Don't be afraid to leave nitty gritty little comments, folks--you know I've done it to you.
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 2:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yep, same as Spartan, (next time il'll be the first one to post anyway Twisted Evil ) but it's a pretty long title. Hey, everyone! Let's call him 'tang!

-HF06
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houseoftang
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 3:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you want to be first to post, read part II (this was just 1 1/2) and then comment. No one has so far, hehe. Too much for everyone at once?
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 24, 2007 3:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was a pretty good read. As you said in your author's note (expect a lecture from russ on that, btw Razz) not a whole lot happened in this chapter. Mostly it seemed to serve the purpose of character development, and to a lesser extend set up the plot. You introduced us to all the main players here, revealing some important traits and letting us get to know them better. Overall this was done pretty well, giving us a feel for how everyone will act in different situations. A little more context for the plot would have been good, but I assume that's coming. Your writing style was good and flowed well, for the most part.

Now, I'm never one to pass up a good nitpicking, so since you invited:

Quote:
"I'll begin with your choice of insertion points, Major Oppenheimer. While the point you chose served well for your entrance to the simulated rebel base...


You forgot to reopen quotations.

Quote:
While many of Ares' points were quite clear cut, such as Red Team's failure to use their passive IR vision, several were open to discussion.


"Clear cut" is unnecessary and doesn't really fit in the narrative. "Clear" would have been just fine and would have work better.

Quote:
"Colonel, that bit with the aircraft was a bit excessive.


You used "bit" twice in close proximity, disrupting flow.

Quote:
Or–were you trying to capture the Pelican?"


Again, I beat russ to this. You use en-dashes where there should be em-dashes.

Quote:
I have confidence that both of you–" he indicated Yi and Oppenheimer, "Can find the most effective, happy medium.


When you close and reopen quotes in mid-sentence, the second half should not be capitalized.

Quote:
General Nordstrom finished with a bit of a pep talk.


Again, "bit" is unnecessary and doesn't look good.

Quote:
Julie Yi didn't make even a mistake that small very often, but she'd kill him if he rubbed her face in it.


This was a little clunky. Try, "Julie Yi didn't often make mistakes, even small ones..." or some such to improve the flow.

Quote:
Blue Team got what they asked for, and Col. Julie Yi was good at asking.


"Colonel" should be spelled out.

Quote:
Because the transmission, or at least the intercepted portion, consisted of encoded data suggestive of navigational coordinates, the AI analysts who had processed and partially decoded the information decided that the full, unencrypted transmission would give away the location of a number of important rebel assets, perhaps even rebel colonies and bases.


This sentence was too long with too many commas. It should have been split up.

Quote:
The rest of the information was data about Windfall itself. Retrieving the information in that broadcastwas Blue Team's primary mission...


Small error.

Quote:
"Whatever you want, Chief Warrant Officer. It's the least we can do." chuckled the General.


Another small error.

And, as more of a suggestion, you should stick to just one submission per cycle. There are just too few hours in the week.

All in all, this was well done. You've certainly set up a good story; I look forward to seeing what you do with it.

- Arthur
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houseoftang
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 24, 2007 4:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Arthur. (Or should I co-opt Russ' method and say "Arty"?)

Quote:
Quote:
"Colonel, that bit with the aircraft was a bit excessive."


You used "bit" twice in close proximity, disrupting flow.


You're right. But technically, I can get away with it, because it's two different meanings. Cold comfort, I'll try not to let it happen again. I think my writing nowadays has been plagued with that sort of thing--I eliminated a bunch of that kind of error on my last pass through the story.

Quote:
Again, I beat russ to this. You use en-dashes where there should be em-dashes.


Those are supposed to be em-dashes. My word processor replaces them, which is what I wanted it to do. I guess we'll just have to live with it, since I started it and don't want to change course in mid-stream. Gotta give people something to comment on.

Quote:
This was a little clunky. Try, "Julie Yi didn't often make mistakes, even small ones..." or some such to improve the flow.

Flow is overrated, but you're right. I think "Julie Yi didn't make a mistake--even one that small--very often, but. . ." would be my option of choice in retrospect.

Quote:
And, as more of a suggestion, you should stick to just one submission per cycle. There are just too few hours in the week.


Yeah, that's going to be my rule from now on. It didn't happen this time for one reason: I thought part 1 1/2 wasn't enough to hook people. I guess it had quite the opposite effect: no one read part 2 (judging by the comments; there was one very notable exception).

Thanks for all your suggestions/comments/reminders. They were all good, all appropriate, and if I didn't address it, it's because I plead "no contest".

I'll have to hit up your latest soon.
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DraconicDreams
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 24, 2007 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm a big fan of replacing the words "a bit" with "a tad."
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houseoftang
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tad was the bully in my elementary school. He sent me to the hospital once, where I had to drink about a gallon of fluid that tasted like chalk so they could do some obscene sort of internal scan. There will not even be a tad in my story, not to mention more than one. Wink

What's so cheap about a two-bit sentence, anyway?
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DraconicDreams
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 3:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How about "a mite"?

I can keep doing this all day, my vocabulary borders on rediculas. (As does my spelling. >.< )
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houseoftang
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 4:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're doing it intentionally, aren't you.

I mite consider a pinch, a hair, a nip, or an iota, but if you want to lead me around by the mouth, you gotta use a bit.

Trolling the thesaurus is something I've all but given up on--it never does anything but lead me toward bad word choices.
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DraconicDreams
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 9:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How about "a shade"? Seriously. All day.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 11:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How about 'a wee bit'?


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