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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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 Posted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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| It tells you something about your stealth capabilities that this story went completely unnoticed. I'll be sure to post a review by the weekend. |
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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| Posted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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Stealth story it is... I honestly didn't realize this was out until I saw it in your signature. Nonetheless, I probably would have struggled to get to it sooner, due to the multitude of other things that require my attention. Bah, onto the story.
That opening scene was very well done. It was simple, short, yet conveyed so much apprehension without ever saying it. Here's a man who's been waiting to die for days, and all he can muster is that famous prayer before those guards come to take him away. Despite being short, I was fully captivated by the scene, and there was only one thing I would have changed...
| You wrote: | | He stumbled along, was carried along, to the light beyond the doorway. |
Good descriptions, bad structure. Either the "was carried along" needs removed or em-dashes should have been used to better indicate the change of posture. The commas didn't work.
Anyways, overall this was great. Very short, which made me frown at the couple mistakes, but nonetheless a good opener. You didn't really give us too much information, as to what we should expect or how Trento developed into a near UN-less society, but I know you've got something good for us. I'll stress proofreading, because I've seen you get stuff easily three times as large out with less mistakes (that would be zero GPS errors, in case you can't remember  ). Looking forward to your next Stealth story.
-R |
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 10:08 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you for your positive review, russ. I'm glad you liked the opening; if it did indeed captivate you, then it did what it was meant to. I apologize for the GPS errors though, and the carelessness on my part.
Sev, I eagerly await your comment.
More to come.
- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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| Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 6:51 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | How could so much happen in only six months? |
Indeed. I too have felt the winds of time.
| Quote: | | Time was a hard thing to judge for Michael Taylor in this place. He knew it to be half a year by the changing of the seasons and the calendars, but had he been asked without the aid of these universal pendulums he might have said that just one month had passed, or perhaps twelve. It was hard to keep one's perspective, waiting to die. |
Fucking beautiful. It set the tone of the story perfectly, and definitely provided me with the reason to keep reading. In fact, I'd go far as to suggest that the first line could have been taken out entirely, and replaced with this paragraph alone as the opening.
I don't have the time for a line-by-line analysis (ala houseoftang), so apologies, man. But what can I say other then that its fucking CRIMINAL that no one asides from Russ and I have commented.
FOR THOSE WHO READ ONLY THE COMMENTS: READ THE GODDAMN STORY, OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR THROAT.
I do wish that more had gone into his prison sentence, because quite frankly, I was jarred by the sudden transition from his imminent death (or so I presume) to the past, the events that led to his current fate. I'm actually more intrigued by the present rather then the past, if you will. You've got me wondering like crazy if he'll actually die (please kill him off for drama's sakes). |
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Andres
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Joined: 03 Jan 2005
Posts: 151
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| Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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You had me at:
| Quote: | | He knew it to be half a year by the changing of the seasons and the calendars, but had he been asked without the aid of these universal pendulums he might have said that just one month had passed, or perhaps twelve. It was hard to keep one's perspective, waiting to die. |
The rest, was showing off mate, just kidding, by the way. |
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 12:41 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | $%*%!ng beautiful. It set the tone of the story perfectly, and definitely provided me with the reason to keep reading. In fact, I'd go far as to suggest that the first line could have been taken out entirely, and replaced with this paragraph alone as the opening. |
I chose the first line as I did to stress the passage of time, a theme that I will continue to explore in this series. Certainly, though, the impact of the second paragraph was far greater and perhaps would have worked better to set the tone. I believe you are right about that.
Thank you very much for your comment, Sev, and yours, Andres.
- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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labrack2401
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Joined: 10 Jan 2007
Posts: 20
Location: Seattle, Washington
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| Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 6:49 am Post subject: |
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OMG this is an great beginning. I can agree with everything said by Russ and Sev, plus add a little bit.
Here:
| Quote: | | "Well, that's what it feels like. Inane bullshit!" Leventis angrily shut off the television and walked down the narrow hall towards his office. "I should pick up and move to one of the nice northern islands, where you do not melt in the heat or in the rain." |
The only thing that annoyed me was the "do not" at the end, I stumbled over it even after re-reading, It might just be me, but it just didn't (lqtm) ((laughing quietly to myself)) mix right.
Anyways onto the good, the imagery and voice in the story is so far great, a lot of emotion and a decent amount of pictures were formed in my head.
-James |
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, labrack, I appreciate it.
| Quote: | | The only thing that annoyed me was the "do not" at the end, I stumbled over it even after re-reading, It might just be me, but it just didn't (lqtm) ((laughing quietly to myself)) mix right. |
Yea, I gotcha. It doesn't sound natural in speech at all. Good eye.
- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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