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Halo Alliances: Chapter Three

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 1:09 pm    Post subject: Halo Alliances: Chapter Three Reply with quote

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Halo Alliances: Chapter Three
Posted by ChibiHalo (ssvaltinson@msn.com)
15 January 2007, 8:29 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ChibiHalo0115072029491.html
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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Joined: 17 Apr 2006
Posts: 139
Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!

PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I should have heeded your warning at the top, please tell me he survives. Pretty nice though, except that you could do with the Code.

-HF06
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Revenant
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 3
Location: texas

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Neutral

IMHO, not as good as 1 & 2, but still decent. Better than many I've seen. Still, three things stand out:

1st - Watch your grammar and spelling.
"...they fought to break it's grip..." its, not it's (it is). Common mistake.
"Mabey, just mabey, he wouldn't die..." Maybe. Common typo.

2nd - Formatting
Be sure to check the "preview" to see what your story will look like. It's purely a style thing, but it does make the story look better on the screen if it's uniformly formatted. I'm not sure if there's anything wrong with your formatting grammatically, but it doesn't seem to flow right.

It's your call

3rd - Characters & plot
I know this may come across as harsh but it needs to be said. I have nothing against you personnally. Really.

That said, I cannot help but find myself wondering why the characters are even bothering in these situations. They feel contrived. For example, tension is created as a result of Half-Jaw's duel with the Flood form. But he is with a group of highly-trained Elites, including Zealots. Did all their guns run out of ammo at the same time? I realize that you have H-J "chew out" the other Elites for thier cowardice, but it just isn't realistic in my opinion. If you must have characters fight it out one-on-one, you may need to kill everyone else.

Also, Johnson seems to "magically" escape the Flood form's wrath. One second he's shooting (presusumably) at an oncoming enemy, the next he's safely somewhere else, apparently with his back to the raging combat.

All in all, could be better, but still shows potential. Since I have no idea how long you've been writing, I can't really judge your ability. Keep at it, and watch for small errors. Smile
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Halo Freak
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Joined: 27 Jun 2007
Posts: 5
Location: Delta Halo

PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

awesome stories, dont stop posting!!! everybody else has got a bug up their ass about spelling and grammatical crap, but i think you're doing an awesome job. keep Rtas alive please
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