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invasion 2=the war. part one

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 5:51 pm    Post subject: invasion 2=the war. part one Reply with quote

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invasion 2=the war. part one
Posted by paul cooper (lcooper764@aol.com.)
11 January 2007, 12:44 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=paul_cooper0111071244011.html
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Skul
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Joined: 16 May 2005
Posts: 199
Location: UK, Scotland

PostPosted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This goes for all of the stories you submitted:

Ever heard of the Shift key? I didn't see one capital letter in there, not one. There was absoloutely no use of the Code. Formatting does not carry over (assuming you used formatting in the first place).

The Code used is BBCode, the same type used in forums such as this one. With it, you can make bold, italic and underlined text. You can also insert indents ([indent]) and horizontal rules ([hr]). Horizontal rules are lines that break up the page into sections. They are in the 'Directions for use' section. Why don't people read it?

Your stories were like bus rides. What I mean is, they went forward, then stopped. Went a little further, then stopped. Went forward again, then stopped. There were far too many periods used and the descriptions in each 'sentence' were sparse. Commas were used, but they were few and far between.

Please don't mix numbers with letters. Write out all numbers unless it is a designation, such as an ID code (74632, for example) or a weapon (MA5B, BR55) or even the title of something (Halo 2, SPARTAN-117).

GPS mistakes were peppered throughout the stories, like "obviosly" and "were" instead of "we're". I'm assuming you either wrote this on the submission form, or in a text editor with no spell checker (and most likely no formatting functions).

I noticed you also switched between third and first person. It was confusing, because one minute it was 'they', 'he', 'she', then it was 'I' (or in your story, 'i'), 'me', 'we'. If you can switch between third and first person smoothly, then do it, but even then, it should be avoided unless it is necessary to your story. You are not skilled enough to do that, as is evidenced in your writing.

Also, invasion 2's 'chapters' were hardly long enough to be called chapters.

Well, I think that's enough to get you on your way to writing better. Remember to use the Shift key, at least!
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Fanfic Currently Working On: Finally continuing Inferno. Slow going. | XBox Live Account: SkulY2K
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 10:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is the reason I posted a parody of "Kiss my Ass."

My previous comments I realised were far too long, too drawn out, too boring, and too impossibly finely detailed to be much use. Therefore, I am dedicating this one to all those kids out there that think they haven't got the time to type properly:

You have got time. Take as much as you want. Pretend you're painting a still-life. Would you slop on a few guidelines, drop down a few slops of colour and say, "There, my masterpiece!" and try to sell it? Hell no. If you're going to write, then show some effort. Otherwise, why bother?

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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carbal343
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Joined: 08 Jan 2007
Posts: 7

PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 8:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow, all ive been hearing recently from people is all this negative crap.
when will we all just appreciate each others stories and just chill out about everything?
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 8:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
wow, all ive been hearing recently from people is all this negative cr*p.
when will we all just appreciate each others stories and just chill out about everything?

If you can't take criticism then don't post your stuff publicly. Period.

C.T. Clown
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 578
Location: Upper Peninsula, Michigan

PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 9:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I couldn't follow your story.
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 1:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
wow, all ive been hearing recently from people is all this negative cr*p.
when will we all just appreciate each others stories and just chill out about everything?


When each other's stories start to all become appreciable without being under the influence of mind-altering compounds.
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