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Complete HAVOK: One Soldiers Escape Part 1

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 5:51 pm    Post subject: Complete HAVOK: One Soldiers Escape Part 1 Reply with quote

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Complete HAVOK: One Soldiers Escape Part 1
Posted by Aleks Gingras (haloaleks1992@hotmail.com)
10 January 2007, 2:42 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Aleks_Gingra0110070242351.html
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Archangel_7
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 171
Location: Trying to fight the Flood with a rubber band and some thumbtacks

PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 9:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It could have been much worse than it was.

But the dialogue... ugh, the dialogue....

Also, you've got a tendency to tell. You tell us this detail, you tell us that detail, etc. Yes, you have details, but none of them are written in a way that captures my interest, and there are few that actually describe what's going on in the scene, or in the character's minds. Hell, probably the most characterization of the 'main' character we get is "James wasn't so sure." Why is he not sure? Is it fear? Is the Invisible Pink Unicorn prohibiting him from going to war? The most I can do is infer, and if your writing lacks any subtleties or intentional "predict what's 'gonna happen next" moments, that's not a good thing.

Example:
You wrote this:
Quote:
He groaned as he touched the door, it must have been at least 400 degrees...


There are easily a dozen ways I could have written this:

Quote:
He groaned as made contact with the rear bay door of the Pelican. The surface immediately seared the exposed skin of his palms, causing the flesh to blister and peel away....


And that's just something I came up with in ten seconds. Show, don't tell. Work on that.

Work on the GPS errors as well, there were plenty of them.

Overall, not great, but not bad, either. 6.2/10 (I liked the addition of the pontoons, by the way)
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Last edited by Archangel_7 on Sun Jan 14, 2007 2:26 am; edited 1 time in total
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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Joined: 17 Apr 2006
Posts: 139
Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!

PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 6:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It wasn't such a bad story. I would give a better rating than that, but everything mentioned above should be acknowledged.

-HF06
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