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HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Archangel_7
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Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 171
Location: Trying to fight the Flood with a rubber band and some thumbtacks
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 Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 9:44 am Post subject: |
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It could have been much worse than it was.
But the dialogue... ugh, the dialogue....
Also, you've got a tendency to tell. You tell us this detail, you tell us that detail, etc. Yes, you have details, but none of them are written in a way that captures my interest, and there are few that actually describe what's going on in the scene, or in the character's minds. Hell, probably the most characterization of the 'main' character we get is "James wasn't so sure." Why is he not sure? Is it fear? Is the Invisible Pink Unicorn prohibiting him from going to war? The most I can do is infer, and if your writing lacks any subtleties or intentional "predict what's 'gonna happen next" moments, that's not a good thing.
Example:
You wrote this:
| Quote: | | He groaned as he touched the door, it must have been at least 400 degrees... |
There are easily a dozen ways I could have written this:
| Quote: | | He groaned as made contact with the rear bay door of the Pelican. The surface immediately seared the exposed skin of his palms, causing the flesh to blister and peel away.... |
And that's just something I came up with in ten seconds. Show, don't tell. Work on that.
Work on the GPS errors as well, there were plenty of them.
Overall, not great, but not bad, either. 6.2/10 (I liked the addition of the pontoons, by the way)
_________________
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
--Hunter S. Thompson
Last edited by Archangel_7 on Sun Jan 14, 2007 2:26 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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Joined: 17 Apr 2006
Posts: 139
Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!
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| Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 6:59 pm Post subject: |
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It wasn't such a bad story. I would give a better rating than that, but everything mentioned above should be acknowledged.
-HF06 |
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