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The Culmination - Chapter Two
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 10:58 pm    Post subject: The Culmination - Chapter Two Reply with quote

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The Culmination - Chapter Two
Posted by russ687 (russ687@hotmail.com)
29 December 2006, 7:33 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=russ6871229060733211.html
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Andres
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 2:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dude! Is you crazy? What happens to the Pelican?
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh, thanks Andres. You'll see what happens.

Just as a little note, this story will start to come together as the chapters move on. Each perspective is not isolated, and they do integrate... just in case you were wondering at any point.

Thanks in advance for feedback and comments, they're greatly appreciated. I don't expect anything until after New Years, so I'll just have to say "Happy New Years!" Very Happy

-R
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Illiad Simpson
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 12:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hmm, is the indicated battle near the only road out of the town the battle in the first chapter? Confused

once again, you never cease to amaze. though i found a couple of errors: civvies are a term for civilian clothes not civilians themselves.

"charlie" does not mean enemy, it was a slang term for the vietcong during the vietnam war.

it makes for a bit of a leak in story structure to use the same metaphor or simile more than once in a story, unless implying some type of connection between the two or more uses eg. you used the phrase "a graveyard waiting to be filled" twice without much in the way of poetic connection between the two, this makes a story seem a little carelessly writen.

(sorry for being so critical on that one little quasi-mistake)
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comment, Illiad. Yes, the first chapter is a scene from that battle between the Covenant and Marines in the valley leading out of the town, if that was unclear, my apologies. The first chapter didn't have as much location descriptions as the second, I believe.

Illiad Simpson wrote:
once again, you never cease to amaze. though i found a couple of errors: civvies are a term for civilian clothes not civilians themselves.


Indeed, "civvies" is the official slang for civillian clothes, but I found it appropriate for the term to generally apply to civillians as well. My main reason for this is while I was in ROTC, we used the term both ways.

Illiad Simpson wrote:
"charlie" does not mean enemy, it was a slang term for the vietcong during the vietnam war.


Of course "Charlie" doesn't have a specific definition such as "enemy," but I began using it as a slang term for the Covenant by these soldiers both because it happens to be the corresponding phonetic alphabet letter, and because it was used in the Vietnam war as slang for the Vietcong (the enemy).

Illiad Simpson wrote:
it makes for a bit of a leak in story structure to use the same metaphor or simile more than once in a story, unless implying some type of connection between the two or more uses eg. you used the phrase "a graveyard waiting to be filled" twice without much in the way of poetic connection between the two, this makes a story seem a little carelessly writen.


Ouch, got me there. These segments were written independently of each other, and I must have had the same idea (and same means of expressing it) in each segment. Yes, there should be a connection—one of the pilots having the same thoughts as the civillian in the town—but I neglected to properly compose that connection. Nice catch... won't happen again. Smile
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 1:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

awesome as always Russ
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This one flew by. You did a really great job of describing the chaotic scene of loading the Pelicans, and your treatment of the father's inner struggle was in depth while never miring your flow.

I'm VERY interested to see how this is all going to come together. To be honest, I was waiting for the Pelican to get shot out of the sky and be destroyed completely, now I'm beginning to see an interesting conflict coming.

Once again, really great job. Here we go again...
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...now that's some gritty shizzle.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 9:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Couldn't find many things I didn't like, and too many things that I did.

Quote:
Somewhere, just out of sight, was a multitude of enemies; enemies charged with removing them from existence.


I thought that a comma would have been better for the 'flow' when read then a semicolon here.

And, uh, can't think of anything else. Excellent job, man.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 3:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Helljumper. Been a while... you ought to come around more often, maybe keep writing. Smile

Azzy wrote:
To be honest, I was waiting for the Pelican to get shot out of the sky and be destroyed completely, now I'm beginning to see an interesting conflict coming.


Well, I left that ending a little ambiguous as to whether anyone could survive that crash, but it's obvious that there is signficance to those characters. Thanks for the comment, Az, let me know how your British breakfast addiction therapy is going. Wink

Sev wrote:
Couldn't find many things I didn't like, and too many things that I did.


Happy to know there wasn't much to dislike, but curious to know what I could have done better. Let me know, even if it's abstract, what parts or details could've been improved upon. As for the semicolon, I do see something odd there, but I don't think a comma would've been the best solution. After reviewing it, I think I should've used an em-dash... Confused

Anyways, thanks for the review, Sev. Smile
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 5:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Clarification:

That was fucking excellent. Every line was memorable. I got so wrapped up in the story that I couldn't remember anything else I could nitpick about. Sorry if I didn't make that too clear in the comment above.

The dash probably would work better, though the comma would still in turn be better then the semicolon.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 12:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I could feel the inevitable fate that had befallen most members of that community, and the stress of each family trying to save their own hides in a wild, panicked situation. The whole evacuation scene painted a clear image in my head.

Felt like I was there, especially when the Pelican went down. Too bad I saw it coming. Razz Jeez, Russ, stop being so predictable!
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russ687
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Roger that, Sev. Smile

You wrote:
Jeez, Russ, stop being so predictable!


Well, if you read from top to bottom, and not vice-versa, everything wouldn't be so predictable! I mean, seriously, you gotta start reading forward like any normal, functioning member of society.

Thanks, Kay. Wink

-R
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 6:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't try and change me, man, don't try and change me.
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houseoftang
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK, Russ, you asked for it.


Quote:
Whether they hold a rifle in defense of others or be the noncombatants with balled fists of desperation, it changed people.


Kinda awkward. Part of the reason it sounds bad is that you're mixing verb tenses. "They hold" is the present tense, but "it changed people" is the past tense. It would sound a little bit better if the last phrase were "it changes people". But the other part that makes it awkward is "or be the. . .". "Are" would be the proper conjugation, unless you're trying to sound archaic or like a pirate ("unless they be, matey"). And that sentence structure just doesn't work for the archaic buccaneer sound–maybe if you reversed the phrases it would work ("Whether they be the noncombatants with balled fists of desperation, or hold a rife in defense of others, it changes people, arrrr."). You also ought to sync the verb tense of the sentence before: "War is a cruel disfigurer of people". I think the present tense is the most appropriate for philosophical discussion, because war has always been that way, and always will be.

Ronis, Krita. . . I like the names you use. It's often a struggle, for me, to name characters without just resorting to the "Dick and Jane" variety ones.

Quote:
If those Marines didn't at least stall that advancing Charlie force long enough,

Charlie force–is that kinda like a charlie horse?

Quote:
the one main way out was currently being occupied by Marines and Charlie's in battle.


Sorry, my pet peeve again. Which of Charlie's things are the Marines battling? His horses?

A question about abbreviations: what do RTB, RWR, and SIMPLEX stand for? I'd like to start adding some alphabet soup to the menu in my own stories, and you seem to have a good recipe.

Quote:
today it looked like a gloomy graveyard that was waiting to be filled.

In my proofreading of my own stories, I've been finding myself re-using stock phrases like "turned his brains into pulp", and that bothers me enough that I have to change it. This was the second time you used that description of the town–are you re-using it purposefully? Do you think I ought not be bothered by that sort of thing in my own writing?

Quote:
"Target is inbound and has a clear paint of us."

Do you mean "a clear paint on us? And is that the way it's usually expressed, "a clear paint"? I ask because I don't know, the only thing I have a clear paint on is my bike which I clear-coated a couple months ago.


I like how the story flowed, from start to finish. I especially like the ending–it feels like a cutscene from Halo 2 with the music coming to a crescendo at the very end, and then cutting to silence. Very nice work again, sir.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 2:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've given almost everyone I interact with a nickname in lieu of the full screen name. Unless you have contention with it, I'm going to refer to you as "tang" from now on. Razz

tang wrote:
Kinda awkward. Part of the reason it sounds bad is that you're mixing verb tenses. "They hold" is the present tense, but "it changed people" is the past tense. It would sound a little bit better if the last phrase were "it changes people". But the other part that makes it awkward is "or be the. . .". "Are" would be the proper conjugation, unless you're trying to sound archaic or like a pirate ("unless they be, matey"). And that sentence structure just doesn't work for the archaic buccaneer sound–maybe if you reversed the phrases it would work ("Whether they be the noncombatants with balled fists of desperation, or hold a rife in defense of others, it changes people, arrrr."). You also ought to sync the verb tense of the sentence before: "War is a cruel disfigurer of people". I think the present tense is the most appropriate for philosophical discussion, because war has always been that way, and always will be.


Good point. I, too, believe that philosophical topics in the narrative should be presented in present tense, because often the values and ideas discussed are just as viable today as they were yesterday. That's why it should have been in present tense, though I messed up the ending of the sentence in your example. As you said, it should have been "it changes people." As for any subliminal pirate talk, that was not intended. Smile

tang wrote:
Ronis, Krita. . . I like the names you use. It's often a struggle, for me, to name characters without just resorting to the "Dick and Jane" variety ones.


Thanks. I actually try and pick diverse names to break it up, since "Johnson" and "Smith" can get annoying after a while. For the most part, I use a random name generator and see what catches my eye.

tang wrote:
Sorry, my pet peeve again. Which of Charlie's things are the Marines battling? His horses?


The Covenant having horses... sounds like a good comedy idea. But seriously, think of "Charlie" as a slang replacement for "Covenant." Because it can get redundant saying "Covenant this, Covenant that," and considering the fact that every enemy in history has had a popular slang term, the term Charlie avoids having to say Covenant a lot and add some flavor to their speech. I shouldn't have had an apostrophe in that specific example, sorry if that made it confusing.

You wrote:
A question about abbreviations: what do RTB, RWR, and SIMPLEX stand for? I'd like to start adding some alphabet soup to the menu in my own stories, and you seem to have a good recipe.


Really, all I'm doing is taking common military abbreviations and using them in this story. For instance, RTB is "Return(ing) To Base" and RWR is "Radar Warning Receiver." I think it sounds more authentic to use some acrynoms in the text, plus avoids repetition issues. One thing I do try and do is spell out the acrynom at some point, though, just in case the reader doesn't know it. I did do that with RWR, but it wasn't as obvious as I should have made it.

tang wrote:
In my proofreading of my own stories, I've been finding myself re-using stock phrases like "turned his brains into pulp", and that bothers me enough that I have to change it. This was the second time you used that description of the town–are you re-using it purposefully? Do you think I ought not be bothered by that sort of thing in my own writing?


Mr. Simpson above mentioned that as well. That was my mistake either 1) using the same idea twice, or 2) not making a proper connection between the independent characters' thoughts.

tang wrote:
Do you mean "a clear paint on us? And is that the way it's usually expressed, "a clear paint"? I ask because I don't know, the only thing I have a clear paint on is my bike which I clear-coated a couple months ago.


Hmm, it depends what perspective you're looking at, but "clear paint of us" refers more to their enemy having a clear "picture" of them in their craft.

Thanks for your detailed comment, tang. It sounds like you know your writing, so I'm looking forward to whatever you have coming up.

-R
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