HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Time, Bleak and Black
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 4:13 pm    Post subject: Time, Bleak and Black Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Time, Bleak and Black
Posted by SeverianofUrth (severn117@gmail.com)
5 January 2007, 7:07 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=SeverianofUr0105070707301.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
thedarkfire
Member


Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 8:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I understand what actually happened. Covie invasion of some city in England I guess.

Brute rips a dude in half in front of a...time traveler from the past? He takes it to be an actual Ape and blames it on...Global Warming?

Dude, what?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 8:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Time traveler goes to future, some five hundred years, only he thinks its been five thousand. Sees things, assumes incorrectly that global warming has led to such indiscriminate warfare, comes back, tells the Dr. Time as such: that he saw no aliens invading, as per Mr. Hawking's warnings, but rather that warfare goes on in the same vein as it always has.



Last edited by SeverianofUrth on Fri Jan 05, 2007 10:15 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
thedarkfire
Member


Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 10:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, I thought the 5 thousand was a typo.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 10:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nah. Twas not a typo, for intent played a steady hand behind every action of Black's.



Damn right. (I'm beginning to understand why Dave puts a picture up for most comments he makes.)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
thedarkfire
Member


Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 12:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

too bad I can't see it
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
CoLd BlooDed
Moderator


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 3:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll get to this, bud.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
xeones
Member


Joined: 21 Jan 2006
Posts: 5

PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 3:58 am    Post subject: liked it i need more Reply with quote

wow, i liked it. it made me think and i admit i had to go back and read a little bit to understand what was going on in the story, but i liked it. it was interesting. i like your style of writing, its always kept me interested. one of my favorites is Medic! its good Very Happy and also, when are you going to bring back the seven days series? i liked that, though i could hardly tell it was halo related till part five.... of course you did have warthog references. anyways i liked seven days, bring it back man, i really liked the plot of it.

-Carpe Noctem-

Xeones
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 5:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
wow, i liked it. it made me think and i admit i had to go back and read a little bit to understand what was going on in the story, but i liked it. it was interesting. i like your style of writing, its always kept me interested. one of my favorites is Medic! its good Very Happy and also, when are you going to bring back the seven days series? i liked that, though i could hardly tell it was halo related till part five.... of course you did have warthog references. anyways i liked seven days, bring it back man, i really liked the plot of it.


Holy... You actually read Medic!? Wow! That's like almost three years ago.

As for the rest, thanks, man. And I'll be bringing back Seven Days, soon, just to finish it--which would actually make it the second series I've ever finished. Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 5:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I'll be bringing back Seven Days, soon, just to finish it ...

Two things:
1.) Oh yeah!
2.) 'Bout freakin' time!

C.T. Clown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 5:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Two things:
1.) Oh yeah!
2.) 'Bout freakin' time!


Glad to hear it. Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
He tried to think of all the wild animal segments on Dany. There had been kangaroos, tylapi, elephants, gnotterlings... but nothing about facing down apes twice your size, which had just ripped a man in half. Should he stare into its eyes, or away? Should he run, walk away, tread backwards, and stay? And in the midst of all this, the ape advanced.


I had to let out a chuckle at that. Don't we all love to watch "Survivor Man" and all those great Discovery Channel shows that show us how to cope with the wild? This was nicely done, and it's always a good indication of writing skill when one can incorperate humor into the horror of the moment.

You wrote:
Green and brains slobbered down as the severed part finally completed its descent and fell with a slop onto the ground.


You could have left out the "finally" part, as both words have the same meaning in context.

You wrote:
had the man--

Gasp...
You wrote:
-no, she--

GASP...
You wrote:
--not steadied him up.

Losing consciousness...

More seriously, em-dashes, my friend! I know you like to write in simple word processors that may not support automatic insertions of em-dashes, but after the fact you can replace two dashes with one. No matter how small or big the story is, how funny or scary, it's always best to make the little things correct.

You wrote:
Black nodded, perfectly understanding, knowing how his strikingly brown eyes often captivated the uninitiated.


The comma and following "knowing" was redundant, as "understanding" perfectly sets the scene. Also, I think it ought to be "striking."

You wrote:
Black and the woman ended up sharing the backseat of the Toyonda


Laughing

You wrote:
"for it was not aliens I saw destroying the world, but rather men, and men alone."


Whoa, interesting stuff, Sev. I see your underlying message that despite popular science fiction belief, man's downfall will be the result of men themself, not of some foriegn creature. Sort of puts in perspective just how deadly it is to assume that in the future, our enemy will be something else. A few GPS errors aside, nice work.

-R
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
You could have left out the "finally" part, as both words have the same meaning in context.


Oops.

Embarassed

Quote:
More seriously, em-dashes, my friend! I know you like to write in simple word processors that may not support automatic insertions of em-dashes, but after the fact you can replace two dashes with one. No matter how small or big the story is, how funny or scary, it's always best to make the little things correct.


I do have a computer of my own that supports Microsoft Work now, so yes--I'll keep those dashes in mind.

Quote:
Whoa, interesting stuff, Sev. I see your underlying message that despite popular science fiction belief, man's downfall will be the result of men themself, not of some foriegn creature. Sort of puts in perspective just how deadly it is to assume that in the future, our enemy will be something else. A few GPS errors aside, nice work.


I meant this to be kind of ironic, kinda humourous, because obviously Black just about missed what is really going on in the future. I put it in italics because I imagine Black to be kinda pompous, and he would whisper something like that to Dr. Time in a stage whisper.

As always, thanks, Russ.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, hence the term "underlying," obviously those were brutes, especially since your character actually mentioned that. If that wasn't an intentional underlying theme, then I should say "what a great unintentional underyling theme!" Razz

Now if global warming was the underlying theme... Wink

-R
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
CoLd BlooDed
Moderator


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can't complain on this one. Another story to be marked and put in the Original Story bin. Russ said everything, pretty much, but I'm wondering - what era is this guy from? From the sounds of it, he's either from the early 1900s, or he's just a Brit.

Good work. Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group