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Chapter II: Battle of New Mombassa

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 4:11 pm    Post subject: Chapter II: Battle of New Mombassa Reply with quote

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Chapter II: Battle of New Mombassa
Posted by J-117 (gjm_25@yahoo.com)
3 January 2007, 4:14 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=J-1170103070414351.html
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Doppelsoldner
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 3:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Surprised you play Gears of War right? Cos I also have the game and I can recognize a few things in ur fanfic that is related to Gears of War:
"You would think that we'd be able to cure burns by now, considering how long we've been fighting this damn war; but no, all I can do is give them biofoam and painkillers" - medic reference to-
"You would think that we'd have some kind of goddam defence by now" - Marcus Fenix

Two Elites ran to the remaining crates on the left, and blindfired over the top of them at the ODST's - combat reference to -
Blindfire ability in Gears of War, where you just press fire when in cover

"Yes, we have lost New Mombassa to the Covenant, but rest assured we will be back, two days, two weeks, or two months from now. We will come back." - Vladimir reference to Colonel Hoffman's speech at the end of the Gears of War campaign, with some changes

Nice story too ^^
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The Meep
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Location: Auburn, Maine E-mail me if there are any nearby LANs

PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maybe it was just a coincedence, those GoW references and all. Confused

Anyway, good story.
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J-117
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 9:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The first two were GoW references yes, however the last one was a reference to General Macarthur as he was forced to leave the Phillipines in World War 2.

"Give me two years and I will be back here, mark my words" (a paraphrase).

Nice eyes though. I was hoping someone would catch that.
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Doppelsoldner
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 11:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^ thanks Very Happy
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 12:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That is the most obscure thing that could have led you to that conclusion, 'Doppelsoldner'. Honestly, if you aren't actually J-117 then you're bloody good on the uptake.

I didn't read this, sorry, but I looked at it and it looks at least like you've got good paragraphing worked out; kudos for that.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, they did join on the same day.
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Archangel_7
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 10:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ZOMGWTFBBQ.^^

Don't jump to Conclusions. I hear it has nasty weather this time of year.

Anyway, you did a decent job with this story. Remember to spell out your numbers, rather than use the symbols.

Quote:
The pod's internal temperature could rise to 37 degrees Celsius (98 degrees Fahrenheit), and the drop speed was slowed down by the friction with the atmosphere of Earth itself.


Don't use parantheses. The detail inside was meaningless as well.

There were a few GPS errors, nothing absolutely outrageous, though. You tend to tell us your details in dry wording, rather than show them to us. It may seem like worn, meaningless advice, but I'm serious. Writing guides and reading other stories (such as those by the regulars around here, for starts) should give you a good idea of how this is done. now I have to get going, so I'm going to have to cut this short until later.

Overall, 7.764/10.
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Doppelsoldner
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 2:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

eh just in case you didn't know the doppelsoldner was a soldier using a two handed sword a few centuries ago. mainly used for countering pikemen. they were also paid double the wages for a soldier ^^[/quote]
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Sebasman
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 2:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, great story.
The lil message-y thing I interperted from it was:
No matter how hard you try, or what you accomplish, we're all going to die in the end.
Wow.
Good overall story though, 8/10.
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J-117
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PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2007 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am not Doppel seeing as how I live in California rather then Singapore. I do give props to Doppel for his eyes in citing the GoW references however.

In terms of paragraphing, I am basing that form upon several popular Halo Fanfic authors at FF.net, so I guess the style works.

I apologize for the unnecessary details in the story however, I tend to over-emphasize them at times. This is due to a long history of writing analytical papers which require incredible amounts of pinpoint speculation and detail.

Thank you all for your comments, they will be considered greatly. I hope everyone here continues to enjoy Immortal!

Cheers,

- J-117, Commandant of the ODST Clan
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 12:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't base anything in a story on anything on ff.net. There's a reason it's called the Pit of Voles.
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J-117
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PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 5:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, I've found some great fanfics on there that are a large degree better than a lot of stories I find here.

But that's just my opinion.
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Unsurprisingly, that's because any idiot can post there, or here. The really good fanfic sites are the exclusive ones, but Wu has not chosen to do that here, probably because it would be a lot more work for him.
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J-117
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PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 8:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

True, it's just that I can usually find better fanfics there, or at least the more interesting ones.

But I do agree about the exclusiveness of sites breeding better talent. Then again, all a good fanfic requires is a bit of searching.
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