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1st SPEC OPs Division: The Ghosts 2: Hidden Enemy Part 1 of

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 9:22 pm    Post subject: 1st SPEC OPs Division: The Ghosts 2: Hidden Enemy Part 1 of Reply with quote

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1st SPEC OPs Division: The Ghosts 2: Hidden Enemy Part 1 of Many
Posted by fallschirmjager (grylsy@hotmail.com)
1 November 2004, 7:55 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=fallschirmja.1101040755291.html
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is this your first story?

I was impressed with the formatting; very professional. It really helps for me to read soemthing that is in a proper format...it gives me hope that writers out there actually try. Good job on that.

The writing was pretty good, but using caps-lock to express yelling and screaming actually takes away from the writing. Don't try and make it look good, but just desrcibe how things are happening.

Example:

"SIR! WE"RE BEING FLANKED!" Sgt. Barney said.

Instead of that, try something like this:

"Sir!" Sgt. Barney yelled above the sporadic gunfire, noticing the unmistakable movement of Grunts in the distance. "We're being flanked from the left!"

The first example shows sort of what you did, and the latter example shows you how it should be done. It's a lot better like that (and also, all capital words infers to acrynoms, so to use it in normal dialogue is technically wrong as well).

I liked it, and I'm looking forward to the next.

-Russ
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Helljumper
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Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh

PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

because i'm heading off to work, i didn't get to finnish it, but damn its good. You remind me of a young me. Back in my prime before i hit old man status.

ODST

try to get into the order and structure of these special forces units you are intorducing.
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 8:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is my first story under this name because my old posting name 'grylsy' didnt match my forum name 'fallschirmjager' so i just changed name with this story.

I did this story as part of an english assignment so it had to be presented good. We had to do a screen play and all and i did pictures of most of the characters and weapons (most of weapons i had to come up with from scratch).

Only weapon(s) i didnt make up were standard weapons in HALO but one weapon the 'Shadow Rifle' was made (well descrbed by) S7N who wrote the 'All Roas Lead To Sol' series which i think is the best story ever here and will be for a very long time. I only put the weapon down in image which he gave me a better description of it. I'll have to show it to him someday...
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We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 10:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wat game is that in your sig?


ODST
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 05, 2004 1:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Work on repedetiveness.
Spell out numbers.
Make it flow better.
Improve dialogue.
Explain more thoroughly.
Have things make the utmost of sense.
Slow things down.
Add more details and descriptions.
Transitions could be improved.

Overall, it was pretty good. But things went by a little to fast to get interested in. Work on that. Watch your grammar also. Keep working.
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Fri Nov 05, 2004 6:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The game is the Sentinals add-on for Silent Storm (S3) you need orriginal to play it.

The person is my character (custom) in German Elite uniform and Medium Body armour, the weapon is an StG 44 (MP44) with Hollow Point ammo Razz

The shot is me blowing the guys head off when he was on the ground dieing....
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We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?
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Lt. Col Etienne Savage
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Joined: 08 Nov 2004
Posts: 4
Location: Iowa

PostPosted: Mon Nov 08, 2004 8:13 am    Post subject: good, except... Reply with quote

pretty good overall. I don't want to sound like a whiny little prick, but special forces don't exactly operate as entire divisions, which is usually anywhere from 14-24 thousand men. They are barely even battalion size at largest, (200-400 men). Not a big deal, but it just about turned me off as a reader, because it seems like a lot of the time, people just make up names for units. Idk why but that always seems to bug me.

But i'm not trying to put down your story, keep up the good work, i'll be reading it in the future.
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2004 7:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The 'division' conisists of 8, 7 man teams. So what 7 x 8 =... 56 men not including support staff like the big wigs and stuff... They are the cream of the elite.
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Will you keep my secrets hope to die?
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Lt. Col Etienne Savage
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Joined: 08 Nov 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2004 12:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

k, well that'd be a small Company, but its your story so you can call it what you'd like. I need to shut up and enjoy the story Razz
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Brigade_of_marines
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 67
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2004 2:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lt. Savage, are you truly in the army as your sig suggests???

Grysly, are you still doing your other series, A long Time Gone?
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