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Umbra Ac Cinis (Part Three)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 3:15 pm    Post subject: Umbra Ac Cinis (Part Three) Reply with quote

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Umbra Ac Cinis (Part Three)
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
22 December 2006, 4:15 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle1222060415361.html
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 3:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is the conclusion to the series, by the way. I forgot to add that to the title.

- Arthur
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Great ending.
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Brigade_of_marines
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 8:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't get it!
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 24, 2006 3:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azathoth wrote:
Wow. Great ending.


Thanks, man.

Brigade_of_marines wrote:
I don't get it!


Did you read the previous installments? If so... it's open to your interpretation, I guess.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 5:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For future reference, make sure you include any punctuation with italicized text if it is at the ending of a sentence. This is just to make it typographically correct. For instance, here you needed to include the period and quotation mark.
For Example, You wrote:
"It is."


You wrote:
"No," Haverfield conceded distantly. "I agree." He turned to leave, striding with undue haste towards the exit.


That wasn't completely coherent. "Yes, I agree" would have done much better.

Wow, what an interesting ending. You were taking us down this entirely different, dark road almost reminiscent of a horrible dream. I was thinking that this man had become tainted by the darkness that inhabited the city--as if we was turning into that thing he saw in the first chapter. Yet, it all turned out to be dream; a good twist, indeed.

However, I thought this impacted the ending negatively. While I found it rejuvenating to see a "happy" ending, I think the underlying tone of this story was leading to a more dark, damning ending. By no means did this made the story bad, but I found it awkward considering the previous chapters. Nonetheless, very interesting.

Overall, good work here. GPS errors were nonexistent, and the descriptions were great. Some sentence structures here and there were odd by my interpretation, but in the end were not significant enough to hamper the flow. I think I'm going to reread some of the series, mostly because I think I'm fogetting some plot elements, but regardless you did well as always.

Looking forward to your next.

-R
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me
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How was that a happy ending???

To me it seemed like the Covenant had actually glassed the city and that was his minds frail attempt to deny that feeling.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 8:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent! I came to finish catching up on Court of Darkness, but hey, even the best of us stray at times.

Quote:
"At her throat, you say?"

"Yes," Haverfield affirmed guiltily. He could not even bring himself to look into the eyes of his friend, Daniel Smith.


Nitpicking, and not many are going to agree with me here, but I thought the inclusion of the name 'Daniel Smith' was rather clunky and could have been omitted. I know you put it there for the sake of clarity, but I think the reader, provided he/she be of sufficient sobriety, could have easily discerned just who the hell Haverfield's friend was.

Quote:
The food the woman brought was no less obscene. She brought two plates of what looked like tepid gruel poured on top of some unidentifiable, lumpy mass. It was an entirely gray affair; even the water that accompanied the meals seemed tainted by it.


Eww.

Quote:
"How can civilization crumble in a matter of months?" he asked, more of himself than his friend. "How can they abandon everything at a whim?"


I was hoping that there would be a really killer joke here involving wife beaters, if there even is one, but I guess that would not have been appropriate to the tone of the story.

Quote:
"Your eyes are opening," the man told him. "Behold, the world as it is!"


I wish you had included grokking here, which would have turned Umbra Ac Cinis into a psychedelic masterpiece.

Quote:
Haverfield turned his head to see, and his dreams came to life.


But oh, there you go. I've heard that savila is legal, is that true?

Quote:
He tried to scream, but he could produce no sound. He coughed instead, retching horribly at the dryness in his throat, and from his mouth descended a plume of ash. Ash. That was it. It was everywhere, on every surface; it was the bed in which he lay.


I've had that experience as well.

Quote:
With what strength was left to him, he turned on his side. Next to him lay what must have once been a body, but was now only a collection of twisted bones with meager bits of rotting flesh hanging from them. He wept tearlessly at the terrible sight. Hunger gnawed persistently at his stomach.


That last line was killer. I don't know if you meant it, but it was excellent how you point out the collection of twisted bones as the product of his actions with the last sentence, hunger gnawed persistently at his stomach.

Quote:
Maya laughed excitedly, bringing him once again into her arms. "They have come back, Travis. All of them! Soon, we will be whole again!"


Bam! I loved it!
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Brigade_of_marines
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 7:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

let me rephrase what I don't get, Your ending. It basically ends happy with the people coming back?

Does the thing with the Ash(the world as it should be) have anything to do with the ending?

And yes I've read the first ones. I thought it would end Differantly, but well, it's an ending I don't get.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 12:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can't really reply right now, I'm in Aruba on borrowed time. I will reply when I return, but thank you guys so much for the great comments.

Be back in the new year.

... And Happy New Years!

- Arthur
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 2:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

russ wrote:
However, I thought this impacted the ending negatively. While I found it rejuvenating to see a "happy" ending, I think the underlying tone of this story was leading to a more dark, damning ending. By no means did this made the story bad, but I found it awkward considering the previous chapters. Nonetheless, very interesting.


The ending was left open to interpretation to a certain degree. Basically, either Haverfield was so disturbed by the truth he slipped back into his fantasy, his mind rejuvinating the dream to protect him from the truth, or he finally succumbed to starvation. I prefer to believe the latter. I wanted to avoid a solid, neat ending after so much delusion.


Sev wrote:
Nitpicking, and not many are going to agree with me here, but I thought the inclusion of the name 'Daniel Smith' was rather clunky and could have been omitted. I know you put it there for the sake of clarity, but I think the reader, provided he/she be of sufficient sobriety, could have easily discerned just who the hell Haverfield's friend was.


Agreed. Definitely clunky.

Sev also wrote:
That last line was killer. I don't know if you meant it, but it was excellent how you point out the collection of twisted bones as the product of his actions with the last sentence, hunger gnawed persistently at his stomach.


Indeed, it was very intentional. Again, I didn't want to come right out and say it, since I think it would ruin the effect to some degree. Glad you appreciated it Smile

Thanks for the feedback everyone, helpful and uplifting Smile

- Arthur
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