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Journal of Suno Happer (Day 5 and 6: Civil War)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 4:15 pm    Post subject: Journal of Suno Happer (Day 5 and 6: Civil War) Reply with quote

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Journal of Suno Happer (Day 5 and 6: Civil War)
Posted by Halo Fanatic 2005 (Halo_Fanatic_2005)
12 January 2006, 9:47 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Halo_Fanatic0112062147421.html
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Halo Fanatic 2005
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just wanna ask whether anyone likes my dramatic ending Laughing
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Halo Fanatic 2005
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Location: The best place ever. So good, I haven't had time to find out where it is.

PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 8:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was witing stories on here a little while ago and I've looked at other peoples comments however I have not been able to write back. I have learnt some well known people on HBO inclubing Manivent, Azaoth, Dagorath, Commander Demtri Wolf and MC's cousin. Now I've joined and can write back! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to have you here with us, and glad to see you taking an active role in the site.

First I'd like to mention that your name is extremely similar to A Halo Fanatic's, so (and this is just a suggestion), I'd suggest you make a new name around here. Otherwise people will tend to get confused and such. It's up to you, but that's just a personal suggestion.

Now, on to the story.

You used the code, which was good, but since you didn't use indent tags I believe it would have been better had you split up your paragraphs with a line of blank space. Also, it looked like your header wasn't finished. 'M043 Covenant Time' seemed like it should be bolded and separated from the story.

Remember, always start a new paragraph when someone else begins speaking:
Speaker 1:
Speaker 2:
Speaker 1:

That ensures, or helps to ensure, that the reader doesn't get confused; which is very easy when you have multiple speakers in one paragraph.

Avoid repetition, such as in your first paragraph:
Quote:
Covenant Carrier Installation of the Gods: I was late. I was running through the corridors towards hangar "Salvation" with Korli struggling to keep up behind me. "C'mon were almost there, pick those stubby legs up hurry up!" I shouted in desperation as Korli began to eventually fall behind, heavliy slumping to the floor. I pulled him up and sprinted. There was the door. I pulled on Korli's arm fiercely and dragged him in the hangar bay Salvation. The ship's chief engineer turned to me and adressed me. "Where are you taking him?" He asked me in deep suspicion. His face was filled with a frown like always. I tried to reply quickly as not to rouse his suspicions. "Er, we're here for the Arbiter."


The problem here is that you're using an extremely hard point of view, first person, and that tends to cause people problems. Since the action all takes place from one perspective, they usually tend to whiddle down into "I.I.I.I.I." fests. To fix this you could either switch to third person or find other ways to begin your sentences. Try other pronouns, nouns, and alternate sentence structures to help break up the monotony.

Instead of: I felt the rain drip down my forehead.
Try: Rain dripped down my forehead..

Etc.

You use some odd terms, try to come up with your own if you don't want to use human terms. For instance, you said time-teller, which just seems strange to me.

I'm not a personal fan of onomatopoeia (sp?), but use it if you'd like. Though, I will warn you, it can make the story seem somewhat childish. Describe the sounds instead of making them.

That leads me to your biggest problem with this story: Details. Yours were sparse. This was more like reading a summary than a full story; take some time, slow it down, and SHOW us what the characters are going through.

Overall, a good start to your time here, but it needs work. Just take the advice you get and you'll go far in no time.
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The Arbitress
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Location: Discussing high energy astrophysics with The Arbiter

PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Halo Fanatic 2005 wrote:
I just wanna ask whether anyone likes my dramatic ending Laughing


The basis to a dramatic ending - if one assumes this isn't the end but just the end of one chapter - is to draw the audience in. As much as people hate cliffhangers, they work wonderfully. We all hate how Halo 2 ended, but we also have to admit, there's no way we won't go buy Halo 3. If you end a chapter with a cliffhanger, readers will simply have to read the next. If you don't want to do a cliffhanger, do something to make the reader wonder. Maybe say "The colors were off...Something odd about them set a sick feeling in my stomach" or something. That way, the reader knows something is wrong, but they have no idea what. It draws them in, makes them interested.

With a dramatic end to a chapter, never tell the reader more than they need. Leave it to the next chapter.

A great example is in Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring. In the end, Boromir's dead, Frodo and Sam are off to who knows where by themselves, Pippin and Merry are captured, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are off to find them. Not a single one of those stories is finished. Boromir's dead, but he's a prince of Gondor, people are going to be wondering where he is. Frodo and Sam are off to Mordor by themselves. Merry and Pippin could very well be dead, but we don't know. And will Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli manage to save them? The audience doesn't know, so they'll go see the second movie to find out.

But as dramatic endings go, your's was...fair. It wasn't so horribly written that my eyes started bleeding from looking at a syllable, but it could have been better.

Good luck writing more!
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not that well known. I only started here a couple of months ago. I just have a story with a lot of loyal junkies Twisted Evil ...sorry, fans.
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Halo Fanatic 2005
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 8:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for all the advice and I hope to become well known around here. I will also try to stop using "I" all the time like Mainevent said. I read through and it did seem annoying.

Journal of Suno Happer (Day 6: Civil War continued) coming soon!
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Halo Fanatic 2005
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Location: The best place ever. So good, I haven't had time to find out where it is.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually , Azaoth, I've read the Commander sereis and it is great! You should be well known around here!
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2006 12:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you, thank you. I'm glad you like Commander. By the way, it's 'Azathoth', not 'Azaoth'. The series is pretty good. Suno reminds me of one of my friends.
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!

PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azathoth wrote:
Thank you, thank you. I'm glad you like Commander. By the way, it's 'Azathoth', not 'Azaoth'. The series is pretty good. Suno reminds me of one of my friends.


When I come back this I just want say:
Do you mean my series or your series when you say "The series is good." Actually, Commander was what inspired me to write my first HBO series. Why do always take so long to get a new chapter, and now you have Dies Irae as well. Man.

-HF06
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 10:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Halo Fanatic 2006 wrote:
When I come back this I just want say:
Do you mean my series or your series when you say "The series is good." Actually, Commander was what inspired me to write my first HBO series. Why do always take so long to get a new chapter, and now you have Dies Irae as well. Man.

-HF06


Man, this thread is old.

It was a while ago, and I don't remember which series I was referring to. Most likely yours, though, as it would have been a bit stupid to say "OMG liek my srieses iz so grate yey111!1".

It takes me so long to write chapters because I usually have to choose between the short-wait-but-fairly-crappy chapter and the long-wait-but-higher-quality chapter. I actually started Dies Irae as an excuse not to update Commander so frequently. Very Happy Curses! Foiled again!
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