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RvB the movie pt. 1

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 6:02 pm    Post subject: RvB the movie pt. 1 Reply with quote

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RvB the movie pt. 1
Posted by Wolfe SP 235 (db458unit@Yahoo.com)
5 December 2006, 10:59 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wolfe_SP_2351205061059171.html
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 5:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Although this place has been, more or less, a halo-based fanfiction community, I'm gonna say right off the bat - nah.

First off. Proper script formatting. Chances are your indents all went straight to hell the moment they hit the form.

Also, your tenses were off, and squarebrackets - ick. Problematic right there.

Didn't find this too amusing.

Try harder next time. Stick around,

- Dave.
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Dr Sky Tower
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Joined: 10 Jun 2006
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why I don't like stories written as movie scripts: It gives the impression that in order not think up an interesting plot, just write it all out like this. It looks lazy and I can't figure out what in heck is going on.

Do away with writing personalities for the characters and expect readers to 'know' who they are, because they are 'real-life players' on Xbox live. Another reason why I don't like stories based on multi-player games.

And this is just part 1. Exclamation
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I will first say that your admiration for the boys over at RVB isn't a bad place to have it. Those are some cool cats. However, I still must say that there essentially are already RVB movies. Stick a series together and you get a movie with a cliffhanger ending. They do if for you, too, on DVD.

I say this because it is my belief that making up your own plot and story and not basing it off of a major something else (such as a current web series) is something you must do before you can get all that much better at writing. Originality, folks. Tis the key to success when you put finger to key.

But, anyway, onto the story itself:

Quote:
It was a sunny day in the Blood Gulch, the sound of an engine could be heard roaming over the hills, a cobalt spartan was driving the Warthog, and a Cyan spartan in the gunner seat, and a Sage spartan was in the passenger seat.


That was your first sentence. And in one sentence you establish the setting, and three characters. What's the problem with that? Well, a single sentence is far too short to introduce three main elements. There should be at least one sentence for each. At least.

You see, trying to describe too many elements in too small a space is like trying to draw an effective landscape with one colored pencil. Sure, you can get the general gist of everything across, but you can't hope to convey depth and color with just one pencil. To get everything in there that you need, you have to expand it out, use more colors... Or, as to make this actually make sense, use more than just one sentence to establish the main components of your story.

When you establish a story, you have to do so firmly, and effectively, else a reader will be lost the rest of the way through. Before you can build the structure of the story, you must first have that foundation. You rush through that base, and your story has nothing to stand on. And those kinds of stories don't prove all too effective at getting across their plot.

Be careful. You can imagine what you want, but we can't read your mind and instantly know what you meant. You have to show it to us through your writing. Details and descritpions. Those terms and techniques exist for a good reason. Pick them up and give them a try.

You see, the majority of your writing was simply telling us the thoughts and spoken words of your characters. That doesn't get all that much across. When we watch movies, that is enough, because we have the scenery of the movie to back everything else up. But here we have no scenery but what you give us. Sure, we may all know what Blood Gulch looks like, but where in Blood Gulch are we? What color is the dirt? Is it sunny outside? Is the wind kicking up any of the lose sand? Those are all details to consider when you're describing your setting. But, of course, you first have to start describing.


Overall, the story was okay. But to make it into real fiction, you have to start getting in those descriptions. Show us what all is happening and in what place it is set. Let us know about your characters. Use those details and use that narrative to let us know, don't just tell us what the different characters are saying to each other. Dialogue has it's place, but dialogue is only part of a story.

Keep working. And listen to the advice people around here give you. If you listen, and put that constructive criticism to good use, I promise you will improve drastically. Good luck.
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