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Guns of the Enlightened: Chapter 1

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 5:15 pm    Post subject: Guns of the Enlightened: Chapter 1 Reply with quote

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Guns of the Enlightened: Chapter 1
Posted by Zerodev (alex.miglio@gmail.com)
22 November 2006, 5:25 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Zerodev1122061725341.html
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 2:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Henceforth, I present you with a "First-Time Code" award. Yay for you. Formatted, very few mistakes, well-written Chief, great title. I definitely like this beginning. I have only one minor quibble:

You wrote:
"He is our only hope, now if you kill him, I will personally have you rendered in four and devoured by a horde of Unggoys. Drop him!"


Firstly, I think you mean 'rent' instead of 'rendered'. Wow, that gave me an interesting mental image of the Arbiter sitting there in Bungie's offices, doing four identical computer-renders of Elites in MJOLNIR armor. Laughing

Secondly, the plural of Unggoy is also Unggoy.

Like I said, minor quibbles. Keep going; this is an excellent beginning.
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zerodev
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Joined: 27 Nov 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 1:30 am    Post subject: Thanks! Reply with quote

Thanks for the kind words. Posting a new chapter tonight!
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bit of advice: wait until Thursday evening to post a story. It'll be more noticeable, and you ought to get more reviews, or at least more notices.
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