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End of the Flood

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Nov 17, 2006 1:16 pm    Post subject: End of the Flood Reply with quote

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End of the Flood
Posted by Wilson (wilmer@rtelco.net)
14 November 2006, 1:36 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wilson1114060136261.html
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Fri Nov 17, 2006 5:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off. AN's can go at the beginning, that's okay by me. But it sounds so freakin' noobish to have them at the beginning of your story and at the end.

The biggest turnoff aside from your explanations during the story in parenthesis, was not typing out your numbers. How hard can it be to type a couple extra characters? '3' should be 'three,' '2' should be 'two,' and so on. I'd say after twenty you can start using numerical form. So let's hear y'say it: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty.

Second of all. No apologies. No apologising for why a story flopped or why you thought it would flop. If you're not sure it's going to be accepted, then give it your best shot, and I guarantee that effort will show.


Quote:

Third paragraph from the top

(The Flood arrived on the Elite Homeworld 6 months after the Civil War began when a Fleet of Brute Drop Ships landed on the Elite Homeworld and released the Flood, in hopes of eliminating the Sangheili people altogether.)


Hey. Woah, woah, woah. This is the explanation I was tellin' you about.

Another good rule is to show - don't tell. Show what happens. Explain it. Let us see it. If you're going to outline events crucial to your plot, then let's see them, not hear you briefly touch base on them and expect us to fill in the details ourselves.

Next up, formatting. The directions are at the top of this forum under coding and formatting. There were guidelines at the top of the submission form, the link to them said, "Read these or else." Well, now you're going to find out what the or else is. There's no excuse for not reading the directions. While I'm glad you took some measure of time to format your story, coding will make it shine. Remember that you're fishing here, fishing for readers. You might have your story, the line, but you're going to need a hook, and that's a title that doesn't sound stock or like a report, and a colourful lure on it - your coding and formatting.


Oh, and welcome to HBO Fan Fiction.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Dr Sky Tower
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Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 120
Location: Auckland, New Zealand

PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 6:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh dear.

First of all, there is no need to insert things in brackets to 'explain' to readers what's going on. You should be explaining that in the actual story.

Secondly, the flow of this story doesn't work at all. And i don't mean the code and lack of it.

Third, the bodies littered across the battlefield are more likely to be non-Flood as a small group of Elites could never hold back an oncoming tide of Flood, if you know what I mean. Unless they were using Sentinel beams, or something. Whatever.

Quote:
Among them were 2 Golden Elites, 3 Red Elites, 5 Blue Elites, 1 other Counciler, and 1 Hunter, who was helplessly bent over his fallen comrad.


You need to describe the members of the Elite's team a lot more imaginatively than this. I really don't like seeing things listed this way, it shows a lack of creativity and lazy writing.
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