HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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In honor of Halo players
Posted by Raptor 27 (raptor27_738@msn.com)
29 October 2004, 3:04 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=raptor_27.1029040304541.html

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Your paragraphing was what hit me first. Learn to break things up into distinct paragraphs. Also, work on your details. There was nothing there at all to focus on or get a feel for.
Man, I like good multiplayer fics, but, no, this was not good.
You have some major work to do there.
Work on your transitions from character to character also.

Overall, well, you need to work on how you write a story. Keep practicing. Have someone proofread it and tell you what they think.
_________________
-MCC

Berconius · Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 3:29 pm Post subject:

I concur, MCC.

(Na)Marl · Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 10:50 pm Post subject:

--This is Gold Elite. My Dad deleted my e-mail adress before I could activate my account, so I decided to just use my Halo name. Whatever.
--Not good, but not bad. Anyway, use the code, keep trying. Get in more detail if you can. Rewrite things to make them seem better like -
'The explosion sent burning shrapnel's into the Chief's body and he died.'
And he died. Not a very good line.
--I would have wrote-'Searing shrapnel from the explosion ripped through the body of the Chief.' Not the best line, but that's what I would do. I'd leave out the 'and he died' part. No affence, but that part makes me laugh. Sorry. Sad

--"I can't believe I missed that easy shot!"
--Another, uh . . . not bad, just not written in a good style. Write-
I can't believe I missed that easy shot, thought the Chief.
That doesn't seem like the kind of thing I'd like to shout in a battle. I'd think it to myself.
--Read the pseudocode. Use it. Click on the link in MCC's post to learn it. The READ THESE OR ELSE part. Anyway, like I said, not very good, but nice try. Keep it up.

Helljumper · Member Joined: 31 Jul 2004 Posts: 298 Location: Pittsburgh

Co sign with MCC

the damn CODE

ODST

Nick Kang · Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 3:44 am Post subject:

Yeah, although I realized he was in BG as soon as he enteered the building, you should at least describe surrounding and weather patterns before going anywhere else.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.