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Court of Darkness (chapter three): Red Rage

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 3:51 pm    Post subject: Court of Darkness (chapter three): Red Rage Reply with quote

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Court of Darkness (chapter three): Red Rage
Posted by Chuckles
13 October 2006, 8:33 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Chuckles1013060833081.html
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monitor101
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 8:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Once again Clown, you have outdone youself.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 7:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Monitor.

Everyone: I'm sorry that this took so long to get out. I had it all but finished three weeks ago, but got so busy that it took until now to finish up. I will make every effort to get the rest of the chapters out in three weeks or less.

Thanks for reading.

C.T. Clown
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice return, Chuckles Smile

The opeing part was very poignant and, like all of your introductions, set up the suspense and tension very well and gave tantalizing hints as to the finer points of the story. The conversation between John and Fenton was nicely crafted and served its purpose exactly as I imagine it was meant to. Altogether it was a very eerie scene.

The following scene with Beerman was expertly written; I especially enjoyed the bit about suicide and his lamenting over his decidedly crappy life and character. It also worked pretty well, though I was struck by the lack of any description of the pain or at least shock he would have experienced after being shot in the wrist. He just stops the bleeding and calmly answers his assailant's questions. Even if he was about to kill himself, he would still be susceptible to agony and surprise.

I liked the scene with O'Carrol talking with her lackeys since, like the rest of the story, it was made to work very well. In retrospect, though, as I write this review, I have to wonder why Connor would start a fight he knew he couldn't win. Why not say you'd do it and then walk? It seemed to me a deliberate attempt to villify O'Carrol and speak to her character. Regardless, it was, as I said, well done.

I liked Sean's introspective at the Industrial Pallisades. Angry, afraid, tortured; a very interesting character. On top of that, pretty slick description of the scene and of the Pallisades itself.

The Sagus and Helljumper scene was great as well. You portray the former very well as the haunted and disturbed soldier just as well as the hardass. The description, by the way, of the torture was particularly unsettling and had me worrying, not for the first time, about how you come up with such things. In any case, I really like how you shifted the dangerous and fearful agent from what we would assume to be Helljumper over to the less forward but more disturbed Sagus. At first, I would have thought I would rather meet Sagus in a fight... now I'm not quite so sure.

A few GPS errors to point out:

Quote:
Of these opulent condos, Crown Heights was the largest and most—and that was saying something.


While I see the intention, I'm not sure how well it worked out.

Quote:
I thought I was going Earth.


Quote:
"After that, it started to get bad."

"I have two hundred and thirty-eight scars on my body.


When you continue dialogue without a break into another paragraph you omit the closing quotations at the end of the first paragraph.

Quote:
Since the there were no windows,


Besides these mistakes, the rest of this installment was technically perfect.

Awesome chapter, Chuckles. A fantastic world you have realized here. I can't wait for the next one.

- Arthur
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 5:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Will get to this today. It better shatter my dreams of getting a good night's sleep.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 4:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arthur Wellesley wrote:

Besides these mistakes, the rest of this installment was technically perfect.


Not quite, Arthur.

Chuckles wrote:
Using a fire escape ladder, Sean climbed down from the hotel's roof and met twp men in the parking lot. He pulled a black automatic out of his coat and chambered a round, and the rest of them followed suit.



I'm assuming you meant "two". Twisted Evil

But hey, other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter. And, is it just me, or am I noticing a lot of crimson type imagery? Not only blood, mind you, but O'Carroll's hair, the constant sort of personal hell Sagus went through...the Irish and Catholic imagery contrast very nicely here. Excellent work.[/quote]
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 4:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whaddaya MEAN this only has five comments? What is this place coming to?
Wink

I am most interested in Sean's terrorist musings and the claim of responsibility at the end. As someone who mused many of the same questions (one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter) I love the question of cause almost as much as the means to an end that O'Carrol talks about.

Obviously there is something so terrible, so horrible, that the UNSC created it and it must be told to the public. But HOW? It's not exactly something you can put in the front page when the secret is so closely guarded. It's a matter of force, and I think that's an important theme in this story thus far. How much force must you use to get what is most important to you? But I think the comment that makes this whole story REALLY make sense (and makes O'Carrol's character worth caring about, mind you) is the line about being able to kill her with her own gun once it's over. Maybe there's no choice in using desperate means to an end, but you will not be blameless.

And these questions and answers are what makes this story shine. Great to have you back...again.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 4:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seven comments, now that I'm putting in my two bits. And yes, what has this place come to? I remember the times when Chuckles got four or five pages of comments for every chapter he put out.

Here's something you may like:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52915
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 4:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting article, Sev. That is a problem I certainly do not suffer from. Some of the only complaints I ever get from readers on here and FanFiction.net is my willingness to kill off my cast. My favorite one was during Ghosts of Erebus when somebody, anticipating the killing off of Chuckles, begged me to spare his life. I got a kick out of that.

Thanks for the link.

C.T. Clown
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me
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 3:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was going to learn how to say "Your fic rocks" in a diffrent language so that chuckles wouldn't see the same thing over and over again.

The others are trying to find a cake that says "How the heck does he write so good" that will transmit through your standard internet connection...and remain edible.
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Radont
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 7:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another great fic has been sprung on us, though by now the quality is not a suprise. I really liked what you did with the character of Sean. I've not seen such a three dimensional "bad guy" in a long time. As I read the fic I found myself sympathizing with him instead of hating him for blowing up part of a city. Excellent job on that one.

As for the rest of the fic, top notch as always.
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Johny117
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 11:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

D*mn it. Your writing is simply incredible.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 5:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Monitor wrote:
Quote:
Once again Clown, you have outdone youself.

Thanks.

Sterfrye wrote:
Quote:
But hey, other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter. And, is it just me, or am I noticing a lot of crimson type imagery? Not only blood, mind you, but O'Carroll's hair, the constant sort of personal hell Sagus went through...the Irish and Catholic imagery contrast very nicely here. Excellent work.

The "other than that" was, of course, referring to a typo I made near the end of the chapter. That was what I like to call "the curse of the last minute edit." Most of this was proofread more than a dozen times, but that doesn't help you when you screw up with one of your final edits. I also had two copies of this by accident (thanks to my nine year old ... I think) so some things that I thought were fixed made it through to the final submission. I'm just glad that the damage was minimal. Thanks for the comment, Ster.

Azrael wrote:
Quote:
I am most interested in Sean's terrorist musings and the claim of responsibility at the end. As someone who mused many of the same questions (one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter) I love the question of cause almost as much as the means to an end that O'Carrol talks about.

Obviously there is something so terrible, so horrible, that the UNSC created it and it must be told to the public. But HOW? It's not exactly something you can put in the front page when the secret is so closely guarded. It's a matter of force, and I think that's an important theme in this story thus far. How much force must you use to get what is most important to you? But I think the comment that makes this whole story REALLY make sense (and makes O'Carrol's character worth caring about, mind you) is the line about being able to kill her with her own gun once it's over. Maybe there's no choice in using desperate means to an end, but you will not be blameless.

And these questions and answers are what makes this story shine. Great to have you back...again.

Good observations. I was hoping that O'Carrol would still be a somewhat sympathetic character even after she turned the corner. I wanted this story to primarily address the obligation the wealthy have to the poor, but I also wanted to look at the resulting subversion from an internal and genuinely human perspective. People aren't usually all good or all bad. We like to see them that way, because stripping them of their humanity makes them easier to deal with. But what about the otherwise normal guy who is thrust into a situation that starts with fighting against aggression and evil and then steadily escalates to a paralyzing moral dilemma? Now, that is something that interests me. Thanks for the comment, Az.

me wrote:
Quote:
I was going to learn how to say "Your fic rocks" in a diffrent language so that chuckles wouldn't see the same thing over and over again.

The others are trying to find a cake that says "How the heck does he write so good" that will transmit through your standard internet connection...and remain edible.

It would sure go good with my coffee! Thanks for the compliment, me.

Radont wrote:
Quote:
Another great fic has been sprung on us, though by now the quality is not a suprise. I really liked what you did with the character of Sean. I've not seen such a three dimensional "bad guy" in a long time. As I read the fic I found myself sympathizing with him instead of hating him for blowing up part of a city. Excellent job on that one.

As for the rest of the fic, top notch as always.

Thanks for the comment, and also for reading through each draft. Your feedback is always the first I hear, and I appreciate it. Now get going on your next chapter of Fallout.

Johny117 wrote:
Quote:
Your writing is simply incredible.

Thanks. Glad you liked it.

Arthur, I saved you for last because your comment was the most detailed. You wrote:
Quote:
The opeing part was very poignant and, like all of your introductions, set up the suspense and tension very well and gave tantalizing hints as to the finer points of the story. The conversation between John and Fenton was nicely crafted and served its purpose exactly as I imagine it was meant to. Altogether it was a very eerie scene.

Sometimes it is hard to decide how much I can reveal while still preserving a healthy amount of mystery. I think things are most eerie when they occur in a slice-of-life context. For example, having a guy visiting a house because he is trying to prove that it is haunted is much less eerie than having a guy visit a house for more "normal" reasons and having him discover that it is haunted. I hope that makes sense.

Quote:
The following scene with Beerman was expertly written; I especially enjoyed the bit about suicide and his lamenting over his decidedly crappy life and character. It also worked pretty well, though I was struck by the lack of any description of the pain or at least shock he would have experienced after being shot in the wrist. He just stops the bleeding and calmly answers his assailant's questions. Even if he was about to kill himself, he would still be susceptible to agony and surprise.

I went back and forth about whether to show obvious signs of pain. As usual, I tried to strike a balance between reality and what worked best for the story. Since I needed a lucid conversation, I went with the idea that for the first few minutes (which is all he had) his senses would be overwhelmed and he wouldn't feel a whole lot of pain. Heck if I know Whether that's true or not, but it seemed to work with the story.

Quote:
I liked the scene with O'Carrol talking with her lackeys since, like the rest of the story, it was made to work very well. In retrospect, though, as I write this review, I have to wonder why Connor would start a fight he knew he couldn't win. Why not say you'd do it and then walk? It seemed to me a deliberate attempt to villify O'Carrol and speak to her character. Regardless, it was, as I said, well done.

Connor wants to stop O'Carrol from doing what she plans, so his priority is making sure that her order never leaves the room. Plus, lying in order to score an easy kill on someone who he considered a friend just moments before isn't Connor's style. This was also what worked best for the story, and since it was well within the realm of plausibility, I saw no reason to write it otherwise. Good observation.

Quote:
I liked Sean's introspective at the Industrial Pallisades. Angry, afraid, tortured; a very interesting character. On top of that, pretty slick description of the scene and of the Pallisades itself.

Thanks.

Quote:
The Sagus and Helljumper scene was great as well. You portray the former very well as the haunted and disturbed soldier just as well as the hardass. The description, by the way, of the torture was particularly unsettling and had me worrying, not for the first time, about how you come up with such things. In any case, I really like how you shifted the dangerous and fearful agent from what we would assume to be Helljumper over to the less forward but more disturbed Sagus. At first, I would have thought I would rather meet Sagus in a fight... now I'm not quite so sure.

Don't worry about me Very Happy I am not sure where these ideas come from, but I am a generally optimistic father of four who you would never suspect of writing horror. For some reason, writing "dark" comes quite easy to me. I think it's because I've always been a very sensitive person, and it is easy for me to feel deeply about these imagined tragedies. Or maybe my mom ingested too much mercury while she was carrying me. I don't know.

Other than the issue of quotes, all the errors you mentioned stemmed from me accidentally having two "official" copies of this on my computer. This was proofread over a dozen times, and those typos were fixed. Unfortunately, I then went back to the un-edited copy and so they made it through. I gotta be more careful.

Thanks for your excellent review, Arthur.

C.T. Clown
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 11, 2006 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just had to stop in as I'm reading this series. Incredible dialogue. I feel that it gets stronger with each coming chapter, and it's such a compelling part of your stories (what with the constant tinge of sarcasm and foreshadowing).

I liked how Wiley sprung out of nowhere, and the introduction that was set up for him. I actually winced when Beerman was given the choice of the brain or chest. Something about that question, and the overconfident response that came with it, just gave me the chills. It was brutal and brilliant.

Everything else has been pointed out. Literally. Everything I wanted to say has already been said. Very Happy

On to the last one.
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