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The Sniper Hill Series Chap 1-4

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 10:13 am    Post subject: The Sniper Hill Series Chap 1-4 Reply with quote

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The Sniper Hill Series Chap 1-4
Posted by {Ekho} Alpha (ekhoalpha@yahoo.com)
3 October 2006, 6:46 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Ekho_Alpha1003061846411.html
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Azrael
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You need to take some more time with this. Your "chapters" are in block paragraph form, not to mention the length of these "chapters" are miniscule.

First, formatting code Though your document may look indented and correct on your word processor screen, that's not what it looks like after submitting it. ALWAYS preview the work before you finally submit it. READ THE DIRECTIONS ON CODE...PLEASE....PLEASE.

I'm guessing you don't have a lot of experience with writing fiction. That's not an insult, please don't take offense to it. You have an idea of plot and you know the very very basics of the Halo story, but your descriptions of setting, mood, tone, everything besides the most basic proper names of cities is missing.

I'm only going to touch your first paragraph and I'll hope some of the others take on the rest. It is the job of the first sentence to grab the reader's attention. Something that shocks us or makes us laugh or creates SOME kind of impression on us. You've only got one shot at this. Make that count. Your first sentence is frankly dry and boring.

So are your characters IN Fallujah? Don't tell us what Riley did, SHOW us what Riley did. How does his voice sound? What's the weather like? Is the mood tense? How is he feeling? Do other people get out of his way? SHOW us what's in your mind. Describe it as best you can.

If Spartans know anything, it's how to conduct themselves in all things military. Therefore, the last sentence by the Chief should be different.

Kid, you need a lot of work. Final advice, proof read this stuff and then give it to someone else who writes. A friend, a teacher, anyone else. If the person doesn't play halo, it doesnt matter. The best fan fiction pieces are stories that outsiders enjoy as well. It's not the subject, it's the story. Good luck.
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{Ekho} Alpha
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Joined: 08 Oct 2006
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azrael wrote:
You need to take some more time with this. Your "chapters" are in block paragraph form, not to mention the length of these "chapters" are miniscule.

First, formatting code Though your document may look indented and correct on your word processor screen, that's not what it looks like after submitting it. ALWAYS preview the work before you finally submit it. READ THE DIRECTIONS ON CODE...PLEASE....PLEASE.

I'm guessing you don't have a lot of experience with writing fiction. That's not an insult, please don't take offense to it. You have an idea of plot and you know the very very basics of the Halo story, but your descriptions of setting, mood, tone, everything besides the most basic proper names of cities is missing.

I'm only going to touch your first paragraph and I'll hope some of the others take on the rest. It is the job of the first sentence to grab the reader's attention. Something that shocks us or makes us laugh or creates SOME kind of impression on us. You've only got one shot at this. Make that count. Your first sentence is frankly dry and boring.

So are your characters IN Fallujah? Don't tell us what Riley did, SHOW us what Riley did. How does his voice sound? What's the weather like? Is the mood tense? How is he feeling? Do other people get out of his way? SHOW us what's in your mind. Describe it as best you can.

If Spartans know anything, it's how to conduct themselves in all things military. Therefore, the last sentence by the Chief should be different.

Kid, you need a lot of work. Final advice, proof read this stuff and then give it to someone else who writes. A friend, a teacher, anyone else. If the person doesn't play halo, it doesnt matter. The best fan fiction pieces are stories that outsiders enjoy as well. It's not the subject, it's the story. Good luck.
first off im 13. second i don't have alot of time because im typing this at school. third each of my classes are 20 min long.and if you have Halo CE and dl the map Fallujah it describes everything. and the story is based off of many maps. such as hotzone, extinction, and jangle.
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Azrael
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Look kid, I'm not attacking you. I'm trying to help you write a more entertaining story, because as soon as people read this first submission, they're not going to be interested in future works...unless you improve.

Ok, so you don't have a lot of time. Then don't submit it as soon as you write it. TAKE YOUR TIME. No one knows how long stuff takes you, and to be quite frank, they don't care.

"If you have Halo CE and dl the map Fallujah..."
Exactly my point. I don't have Halo CE. Break down the demographic you're reaching here. Everyone on this site has probably played Halo. Probably a lot have Halo CE. But you limit your audience when you base things on maps AND DON'T EXPLAIN THEM IN YOUR SETTING.

Again, I'm not trying to put you down. You wrote something, it has a plot, some dialouge...it's a good start. Develop it AND TAKE YOUR TIME. If you're typing at school, write the skeleton of it the first day and come back and add on to it until it's satisfactory.

Read some of the best works here to get an idea of what's good for this fanfic site.

Search the names Chuckles, Russ687, Helljumper, and Cold blooded. I also have a series called "Minutemen," that you could read too. Ball's in your court.
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