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A First Time Disaster

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2004 2:29 pm    Post subject: A First Time Disaster Reply with quote

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A First Time Disaster
Posted by Gabe Kwakyi (blackychan_04@yahoo.com)
24 October 2004, 10:30 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=gabe_kwakyi.1024042230251.html
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Fri Oct 29, 2004 5:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ouch...

First, use the code. If you do not know what the Code is you have hastily submitted your piece...which ironically coincides with the fact that you probably didn't proof-read.

Grunts can't speak English.

I'm not sure about you, but from what I've known people aren't "giddy" when they kill something...unless they have some mild mental issues. Along with this point, I doubt anyone's instinct when faced with someone threatening is to cover your eyes...people react defensively by either running from the situation or trying to drop to the ground. I must admit that everyone's different, so I guess that type of reaction is possible, but not warrented if you do not want your main chracter to look weak and defenseless, but physically and mentally.

My suggestion, use the Code, proof read, and sumbit another piece soon. Not hastily, but stay on top of things.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 29, 2004 6:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yup. You most certainly need to use the Code[b]. Things in there would have been a lot easier to read if you would have formatted it better. And yes, you have absolutely no excuse for not knowing about the [b]Code, not to mention proofreading.
Now, as for your guy's reaction, well, it was odd. Now, I might be excited about my first kill ever, Covenant that is, if I was a young recruit. But, giddy and maniacally? Yeah, your guy sounds like a likey head case. And that mood change, boy, I'd say PMS for that one. That or he's pregnant.
Now, you also need to work on your proper nouns. Always cap proper nouns; such as Elite, Grunt, Jackal, Marine, Covenant, Human if you want, Warthog, Hunter, Assault Rifle, etc.

Overall, it was okay, but I couldn't find any underlying storyline for the purpose of this. Work on your spelling and grammar. Keep practicing and working as hard as you can.
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Fri Oct 29, 2004 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oops.

You know, if the dang keyboard worked...

That, by the way, was a great example to remind everyone to make sure they use the right coding.
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AmokTheClown
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Joined: 18 Oct 2004
Posts: 8
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 12:40 am    Post subject: people that know little, seem to know everything Reply with quote

you guys shouldn't be so harsh, maybe he's headed somewhere with the whole anti-hero scenario... this first entry could be the pivital point where he changes into something more characteristic to the whole hero synopsis... i like it, you had a different approach, i'm kinda getting sick of the whole, i'm hardcore like rambo outlook that a lot of foot slogger based stories seem to be headed.

its good to see someone start from the opposite direction for once. and yes, i think someone would laugh maniacly and feel giddy, if they weren't strong willed. this person is a recruit, who hasen't had the chance to close off the emotions associated with the ability to take a life... probably hasen't realised that its kill or be killed yet... i'm gonna wait and see where this heads before i make harsh judgements

good work, i liked it
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