HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

Umbra Ac Cinis (Part Two)
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
29 September 2006, 3:57 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle0929060357111.html

MLaine · Member Joined: 27 Sep 2006 Posts: 3

Scary but cool I like the way you find motivation, or perhaps a pointed lack of it for everything Travis says and does. As though he questions himself, his motives and his surroundings constantly it's a believable and often overlooked character trait.

Is there a reason some of your spoken sentence construction is elaborate? Maya for instance:

"What then will you do?"

I was wondering if that's a symptom of Travis' problem or your style specifically. I look forward to reading more.

Chiajy · Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 122 Location: Singapore

You tricked me once into reading your scary fanfic, you trick me twice into reading your scary fanfic, BUT YOUR NOT GONNA TRICK ME AGAIN!!!

Azathoth · Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2006 9:46 pm Post subject:

Arggh! Poor Travis. Scarier and scarier.

Arthur Wellesley · Member Joined: 30 Jun 2006 Posts: 306 Location: Canada

Thanks a lot, guys.

Marine Corps 117 · Posted: Sun Oct 01, 2006 8:21 pm Post subject:

Bravo, Arthur.

By far, my favorite part of this was the opening description of a glassed landscape, barren and with seemingly no horizon. I made a somewhat similar description on my vignette, "Folks Need Heroes".

But this is just in time for Haloween--it is so delightfully fun to delve into the mind of a man who even the reader wonders whether or not can be trusted.

thedarkfire · Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 4:50 am Post subject:

Ah Art, sorry it took so long eh.

This was some seriously freaky stuff. You are really starting to blur the lines between a distorted fantasy and the real. Once again, chills down my spine.

Your dialouge is starting to grow on me. And this coming from a guy who likes to write in the vernacular.

russ687 · Posted: Thu Oct 26, 2006 2:01 pm Post subject:

The very beginning of your series was an elaborate sequence of descriptive sentences and paragraphs, all of which I found particularly well thought out. However, the flow seemed a bit rocky in places. I know I've said this in the past, but read aloud when you proofread, because if you can't say it well, you can't read it well. Things definitely picked up when the Sergeant saw that skeletal man, and I was both intrigued and glued to the screen as you described the following action sequence.

Dialogue was pretty good, as were the descriptions, and the only problem I found was some of your sentence structures. As I mentioned, the flow just seemed choppy in some places—missing a small word, word usage, or the overall structure was not perfect—but it wasn't enough to distract me too much. The ending of your first chapter was dark and taunting, and I could clearly picture myself in the same situation, curious to continue, but scared to take the next step into the blackness. Nice job there.

Oh, that scene with his wife around breakfast was done very well. So subtle, yet so clear. You've obviously found as an author that insinuation can be the most powerful tool out there, and it's the little inklings that often make things the most impacting. The images, visions, and dark things he's hearing all combined to make that one great scene.

You got me with that scene with Traum. I really thought you, as the author, had gone crazy by making a scene like that. I was honestly thinking, what the hell is Arty doing? None of this makes sense! But,you transitioned to something that did make sense, and I was surprised to find him strangling his wife. I think you could have done a better job transitioning Haverfield from laughter, to grabbing, to chasing his partner down during the second to last scene, but I get why you did it like that.

Nice, surprising ending. Good job making Haverfield go from a upright cop to somebody on the verge of insanity. I will reiterate that the reading is a bit tough, firstly because sometimes your sentences could be a bit cleaner and secondly because you didn't have transitions during the aforementioned scene, but nonetheless this is good. Now, where's the next part?

Oh yeah, Darkness and Ashes. I like that.

-R

Arthur Wellesley · Member Joined: 30 Jun 2006 Posts: 306 Location: Canada

Thanks a lot, russ. I see what you mean about some of the flow, too. I'll work on it.

Yea, I'll get to the end at some point. You know my tendency to lose focus with frightening speed. Smile

Thanks again for the tremendous feedback.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
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