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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Dr Sky Tower
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Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 120
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
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 Posted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 11:40 pm Post subject: |
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Interesting plotline, although I do find it a bit difficult to believe why Sangheili scientists would turn humans into various Covenant races.
| Quote: | | Changing humans into Uggnoy, Kig-Yar, Sangheili and Lekgolo. It was absurd but they would make great tools and heroes for each race. |
That sure doesn't make much sense to me, especially since the Covenant races were taught by the Prophets that humans are filthy abhorrations etc etc. Would an Elite really like to see his mortal enemy made into a great tool or hero?
You could also make more use of the code. There were many huge paragraphs with little breathing space. |
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Hardballer
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Joined: 07 Sep 2006
Posts: 24
Location: All over your ass
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| Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 11:50 am Post subject: |
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Ok, so full points for originality... Although, as Dr Sky Tower points out, it's very unlikely that the Covenant would do something like that.
Anyway, the main problem you had was your writing style. Most of your sentences were too long and devoid of all logical punctuation, i.e.
| Quote: | | Will woke up and got up after the pain from being knocked out set in he had a splitting head ache there was a little ledge with some type of pill and a glass of took a drop on his finger and tasted it water! |
That should be something like:
Will awoke and got up. Then the pain of being knocked out set in and he had a splitting head ache. On a little ledge next to him, there was a some type of pill and a glass of -he took a drop on his finger and tasted it- water!
See the difference? Basically, just aim to make your sentences short and concise. Re-read each one after you write it to ensure that it makes sense.
Hope that's helpful in the future.  |
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
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| Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 4:51 pm Post subject: |
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Wait...this was a redo?
OK, if you can't get the GPS right when you write a story, that's fine. But if you redo it, there should be no GPS problems at all. And there were a few. Quite a few.
Nonetheless, you do have a very original, if improbable, storyline. Full marks for that. |
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Imaftau1
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Joined: 24 Sep 2006
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 6:03 am Post subject: |
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I would like to say this is takeing place before the war started if you want a date i will make a one to the best i can. That is why i have the human into grunt, jackal, hunter, elite thing.
| Quote: | | Wait...this was a redo? |
Yes if u had the attention of a normal human u would see the redo and the first chapter one are totaly diffrent. Besides that i am stink at grammer i admit i just try to get my point out. If u look at chapter one the orignal it stinks and i wish i did it better... any ways so far you are the most cival group i have seen so far. |
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
Posts: 1073
Location: In the tower above the earth
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| Posted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 8:08 am Post subject: |
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| Imaftau1 wrote: | | Quote: | | Wait...this was a redo? |
Yes if u had the attention of a normal human u would see the redo and the first chapter one are totaly diffrent. |
If you weren't a cocky jerk then you'd realise that he may not have read the initial story, chief. But I'm not here to argue. |
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Hardballer
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Joined: 07 Sep 2006
Posts: 24
Location: All over your ass
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