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Whispers of the Fallen: Chapter 1- Ghosts on a Plain

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 1:24 pm    Post subject: Whispers of the Fallen: Chapter 1- Ghosts on a Plain Reply with quote

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Whispers of the Fallen: Chapter 1- Ghosts on a Plain
Posted by Pwnocchio (envydryisland@aol.com)
19 September 2006, 3:52 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Pwnocchio0919060352091.html
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Pwnocchio
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Joined: 19 Sep 2006
Posts: 10
Location: Houston, TX

PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hooray! I'm glad to see this is finally up and running. I should be submitting Chapter 2, which is already finished as well, later today. Just to give some of you guys some info- I'm an aspiring writer who has been down-on-his-luck as far as having a nasty case of writer's block for the last 6 months or so. I finally decided that I should get back into fanfiction, since it is so much easier than coming up with your own material (the characters and existing storyline are already present), and I'm in love with the Halo universe, so I thought I'd have at it.

The main force behind this fanfic, Whispers of the Fallen, is the question: What happens when Earth's last hope loses the drive to fight? This fanfiction will hopefully display a new side of the Chief, as some time has passed since the events of the second Halo game. He is a bit more raw, and at the end of his rope.

Feel free to leave comments- most of what you'll read is that of a writer trying to shake the dust off the whole pad and pen, and working some of the rust off of his system. Would love to hear feedback, and I'll be reading some of the great fanfiction on this site and leaving comments as well!

EDIT: Apparently I'm a noob and didn't use the code to the best of my abilities, particularly with the indentation. Ah well, every board has its quirks, and I promise I will fix that when I submit Chapter 2 later on. In the meantime, I'd love to hear some thoughts.
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A few things first: don't worry about indenting, as Chuckles will tell you. You used block paragraphs, which is acceptable and arguably more readable. I use both, but that's just force of habit.

Secondly: great title for the chapter. Wasn't what I was expecting Smile

Now to the story itself. I found it very enjoyable, a pleasant surprise from a first time writer. Obviously you are no stranger to writing prose, as your author's note would indicate. There is a lot of great imagery here; very vivid and descriptive, which serves not only to give a nice picture of the setting but to add some creative flair. Overall, the quality of the writing was just great, fast moving in pace without sacrificing detail. The dialoguem too, seemed natural and flowing, and you seemed to capture the mentality of a handful of soldiers waiting for the unknown.

It is difficult to offer too much critique on the plot itself, since this is the first chapter. I will say that I'm not the biggest fan of action stories, even though the action was done fairly well here. I assume, though, based on the foreward that there will be many layers to the story, so I won't waste too much time talking about it.

A few gripes to point out, though. It is spelling, both technically and in Halo cannon, "Forerunner", not "ForeRunner". Also:

Quote:
He flexed gloved fingers gripped to the barrel of his battle rifle.


The wording on this sentence could have used some work.

Again, good stuff. Welcome to HBOFF.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
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Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 26, 2006 6:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have read your story and found it to be quite enjoyable.

What I did notice in your story was some minor, minor flow problems. It could be with your word choice and sentence format. But that could just be me. Your gunna need a second opinion.

Welcome to HBOFF. Hope you stay a while.
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Pwnocchio
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Joined: 19 Sep 2006
Posts: 10
Location: Houston, TX

PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 5:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comments- I appreciate any feedback/criticism, and welcome it eagerly. Chapter 2 should be up sometime soon, and I feel like it is much better than the first. Part of the "flow" problems I attribute to not having written in quite some. It's almost like I could feel the squeaky hinges as I plowed through the chapter, but I think that they resolve somewhat as I have continued writing.

Also, thanks for the Canon help! I'll remember to put "forerunner" now.
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