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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Dr Sky Tower
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Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 120
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
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 Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 2:51 am Post subject: |
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First, you need to break up your massive paragraphs with more double spaces. These are just enormous text walls of doom.
Second you need to use the code. I noticed at the end you started double spacing the dialogue, but too little too late!
Third, you shouldn't focus on making the entire story one long battle scene. It gets boring pretty quick. |
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Spartan006
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Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.
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| Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Dr Sky Tower wrote: | | First, you need to break up your massive paragraphs with more double spaces. These are just enormous text walls of doom. |
They may look like giant TWOD, but the only other alternative is double spacing each line which doesn't look to pretty either.
| Dr Sky Tower wrote: | | Second you need to use the code. I noticed at the end you started double spacing the dialogue, but too little too late! |
I did use the code, Sky, indents are code. Also, on the subject of dialog, since the speaker didn't change there was no reason to start a new paragraph.
| Dr Sky Tower wrote: | | Third, you shouldn't focus on making the entire story one long battle scene. It gets boring pretty quick. |
Since I did this for as a school project I didn't have alot of time for stoyline, so you're right about that.
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Hardballer
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Joined: 07 Sep 2006
Posts: 24
Location: All over your ass
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| Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 10:49 am Post subject: |
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| I hate to pick at little holes... But your story sorta leaves a fair few un-answered questions, such as, how did the rest of the squad fair in the battle, did they do anything at all? Seems more like the distraction was a complete balls-up and his men just followed him through the forest. |
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Spartan006
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Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.
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| Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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| Hardballer wrote: | | I hate to pick at little holes... But your story sorta leaves a fair few un-answered questions, such as, how did the rest of the squad fair in the battle, did they do anything at all? Seems more like the distraction was a complete balls-up and his men just followed him through the forest. |
It was mainly focusing on Richardson with his squad just being there for the ending, but like I said earlier I wrote this for a school asignment and I did it in under thirty minutes. I can barely get half of this amount out in that time frame with my series.
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Guardian
BANNED
Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.
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| Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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oh hell | Quote: | | The Elite just smiled and laughed, then he plunged his sword into Richardson's abdomen. Richardson winced trying to show as little weakness as possible, but the could tell how much pain he was in. |
Anyone besides the Spartans and Sarge would be two inches from The Reaper's Sickle.
| Quote: | | fromhis family, he was buried under that tree on the knoll where the wind blew softer, calmer, silent. |
From his. Sentence could have been written better.
With consent from his family, he was buried under a tree on the knoll. Where the wind brought the passed away it's soft, calm, and silent gifts of it's exchange. But hell, even that sentence makes no sense. Where's the time for family consent when he's already dead? |
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Spartan006
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Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.
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| Posted: Wed Sep 20, 2006 5:52 pm Post subject: |
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| Shadow wrote: | | Quote: |
The Elite just smiled and laughed, then he plunged his sword into Richardson's abdomen. Richardson winced trying to show as little weakness as possible, but the could tell how much pain he was in. |
Anyone besides the Spartans and Sarge would be two inches from The Reaper's Sickle. |
Yeah, that was pretty unrealistic (curses  I really shouldn't write while my dad is playing games). | Shadow wrote: | | Quote: |
fromhis family, he was buried under that tree on the knoll where the wind blew softer, calmer, silent. |
From his. Sentence could have been written better.
With consent from his family, he was buried under a tree on the knoll. Where the wind brought the passed away it's soft, calm, and silent gifts of it's exchange. But hell, even that sentence makes no sense. Where's the time for family consent when he's already dead? |
You don't just throw dead people in the ground without telling the family. Let's say that while you were in [insert location] you were killed by [insert person/s or object/s], they would call and tell your family, and they would decide what to do with our body since the dead person really no longer has a say in it. And yes, I probably could have written that sentence better.
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