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Blue Horizon Part Five: Devestating Betrayal

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 2:43 pm    Post subject: Blue Horizon Part Five: Devestating Betrayal Reply with quote

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Blue Horizon Part Five: Devestating Betrayal
Posted by Cassus Falco
9 September 2006, 8:34 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cassus_Falco0909060834071.html
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Cassus Falco
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Joined: 12 Mar 2005
Posts: 58
Location: Oh, I'm hanging around near a picket fence on a grassy knoll off Dealey Plaza.

PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, anyone that cares. It's been months since I've posted a story here, the last one being this one's previous instalment, and now it is my pleasure to announce the triumphant return on Julie Waters, and her intrepid Marines, fighting to save the planet Alpha Caridanis IV.

That's why I've included that 'previously on Blue Horizon' part at the beginning.

So, yeah, I lived up to my promise of killing somebody off.

And, now, just like I put the teasers on the previous chapters of Blue Horizon, I've got one for Part Six;

They are trapped in a tunnel, far from Blue Horizon, far from any help. They are helpless, against an onslaught that is about to be launched.

And, they can't trust one of their own...

Next time, on Blue Horizon, Part Six


So there you go? Who is the traitor? Read this fic and find out. Who is trapped in the tunnel? Read this fic and find out.
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Marine Corps 117
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Joined: 05 Feb 2006
Posts: 37
Location: Good ol' northern NJ

PostPosted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 6:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not too shabby. It's more of a personal preference, but I'll point it out anyway, for your improvement. (Man, that sounded a lot less pompous and elitist in my head... Embarassed )

It's a bit like Eric Nylund writes. Especially in the beginning. What I mean is that, such as when you describe the makeshift HQ, it's like you're listing off details rather than making for an elaborate flow. Like:

"There was a Marine standing on a rock. In the tree was a sniper." etc.

There's nothing bad with this, like I said, it's more of personal thing.
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