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Zenith: I The Rumor (fixed)

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2004 2:28 pm    Post subject: Zenith: I The Rumor (fixed) Reply with quote

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Zenith: I The Rumor (fixed)
Posted by atrox (atroxd@gmail.com)
24 October 2004, 1:31 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=atrox.1024040131012.html
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Helljumper
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Joined: 31 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2004 8:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good use of the code, but things went by too fast and you need more details. YOu jumped around too fast and I couldn't get into the story.

ODST
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2004 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Adding coding to a story, though important, does not make it immidiately awesome. You still have work to do.
First, I would practice your punctuation and grammar. You could use improvement there, greatly.
Watch your dialogue as well. Make sure you use adjectives for how the people say it properly. A Captian isn't going to demand something and then say please.
Also, watch your military protocol. You don't go to a at-ease posture until you're told to. You don't even lower your arm or loosen up until you're told to.
You also need to work on transitions. You jumped from one time and place to another, throwing me off and making the reading jumpy.
Work, also, on describing your characters. And don't get repedetive in a single, or even multiple, paragraph. Don't use their name, preferably, more than once a paragraph.
Details. As Hell said, your story did go by way to fast. This was partially because of a lack of details. You need to exfoliate on each situation you deam necessary to be in the story. Show us your actions, don't just tell us about them.
Further, make sure that you keep your tenses and PoVs squared away. You switched between first and third person more than once.

Now, as for your storyline, it needs work as well. No one really knew that Reach was going to be attacked. It was as surprise to the Human fleet. That's one reason that they did so poorly.

Overall, better, but still in need of an overhaul. Keep working and trying your hardest to improve your writing and story looks.
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