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Here Lies Sarah Eaton: Part 3

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 1:06 pm    Post subject: Here Lies Sarah Eaton: Part 3 Reply with quote

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Here Lies Sarah Eaton: Part 3
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
8 September 2006, 3:56 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle0908060356121.html
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know, at first I thought the language you used for the dialogues felt very old and clunky, but by the third chapter, it seems perfect. Admittedly, it's mainly Sarah who speaks that way (the others don't seem to talk that way as much), but still, now I'm used to what you're doing and it's great.

Another great chapter from a great author. But why didn't you make an ad for this part?
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All things in time...

Thank you for the generous comment.

- Arthur
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Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent work, as expected.
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 11:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm still liking it. Keep going.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 2:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sweet. Thanks guys.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will get to this, but it probably won't be until this weekend. I'm looking forward to it.

C.T. Clown
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 2:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple minor mistakes aside, this was good. The descriptions and details are pretty good throughout. While I still think the characters are behaving somewhat oddly (perhaps partly because the dialogue is so different), it wasn't distracting.

You wrote:
"Once on the surface, the rebels made life miserable for us. They imposed Martial Law and imprisoned the ruling party. They took Mom soon after arriving… I never saw her again…


I've seen a reoccuring trend in your writings (Cardinal Sins is the primary example of this). I have to ask, why does a lot of the story or backstory rest upon rebellion and it's side affects (martial law, chaos, injustice...)? This isn't an issue, but I've grown curious.

To touch on a similiar subject, I was a bit in shock of how powerful these rebels were. Over a million men were shipped over? Captured UNSC vessels? Nuclear weapons? It appears like you are trying to recreate a scenario that might be found in today's world, but you're jacking up the numbers and capabilities to "compensate" (in a way) for everything being bigger in the future (i.e., planets instead of countries). That isn't necessarily a good idea.

You wrote:
"They call this 'New Town',"

And, you wrote:
"Is there an 'Old Town'?"


I wouldn't have mentioned this if you hadn't done it twice. Make sure the quotation and single quotes encompass the punctuation.

Overall, good story progression. I'm not sure how this dialogue style is working out, though, because you keep it up well in some areas but appear to drop it in others. Also, I find it hard to interpret less-obvious emotions through their dialogue, because it seems to fit a systematic method that filters any of that out. It's a mixed point; refreshing to see a new style of dialogue, but also distracting when it doesn't hold up or prevents some form of reading-comprehension.

-R
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 7:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I've seen a reoccuring trend in your writings (Cardinal Sins is the primary example of this). I have to ask, why does a lot of the story or backstory rest upon rebellion and it's side affects (martial law, chaos, injustice...)? This isn't an issue, but I've grown curious.


Well, I did sort of decide to take the idea of Cardinal Sins and use it again, hoping that more than one person would read the story Smile . I just like the idea - I think the most terrifying thing imaginable would be if the government and police are completely corrupt and there is no guarantee of your most basic rights. I suppose it is sort of an Orwellian theme, though not nearly as extreme nor allegorical. It just makes good material, or at least I think so. Dystopias are just so much more fun to write about!

Quote:
To touch on a similiar subject, I was a bit in shock of how powerful these rebels were. Over a million men were shipped over? Captured UNSC vessels? Nuclear weapons? It appears like you are trying to recreate a scenario that might be found in today's world, but you're jacking up the numbers and capabilities to "compensate" (in a way) for everything being bigger in the future (i.e., planets instead of countries). That isn't necessarily a good idea.


I stressed, or at least tried to stress, the power of Palmyra. They are an extremely populous and had a robust military. In any case, million man armies are no longer unheard of in our modern world. Even less powerful countries have mustered them, so it stands to reason a futuristic colony about the population of the United States could have one. As for nuclear weapons, the mechanisms are not so terribly complex as to be unattainable, it is simply getting all the materials and building the infrastructure to build them that is the trouble. When you have a planet of your own at your disposal, very difficult to monitor by the UN, colonies getting nuclear weapons is not so unbelievable. I tried to justify everything realistically, or as close to it as possible.

Quote:
I wouldn't have mentioned this if you hadn't done it twice. Make sure the quotation and single quotes encompass the punctuation.


Right. My mistake.

Quote:
Overall, good story progression. I'm not sure how this dialogue style is working out, though, because you keep it up well in some areas but appear to drop it in others. Also, I find it hard to interpret less-obvious emotions through their dialogue, because it seems to fit a systematic method that filters any of that out. It's a mixed point; refreshing to see a new style of dialogue, but also distracting when it doesn't hold up or prevents some form of reading-comprehension.


I'm getting the dialogue isn't a hit. Being as it would be weird if I just reverted to normal speech, it will continue, I'm afraid. I'll try to stay as consistent as possible.

Thanks for the comment.

- Arthur
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Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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Zombie
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 9:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

my apologizes for not getting to this sooner, and my continued apologizes for not being able to leave a more detailed response, but i echo the words of everyone here, chapter three seemed perfect. your stories are captivating and motivating, do continue.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 8:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nicely done. I am definitely partial to stories based on rebels rather than aliens. I find rebels interesting and full of recognizable passion. The aliens, on the other hand, are less complicated: they simply want to kill us all. Yes, some authors have wrote deep and compelling stories using the Covenant, but it just does not interest me. Give me rebels any day.

I thought you did a good job of giving the city character. This part was particularly good:
Quote:
Presently they were driving down a dirt road which led through the city towards Lansing's Saloon. The tenements which rose on each side of the narrow street were made mostly of wood, though some looked as if they were just prefabricated shelters stacked on top of one another. In either case, the buildings looked dangerously precarious, as if a gust of wind would knock them all down in a single sweep. As the car could only crawl down the road clogged with people, Sarah could clearly see the shabby residences, even see through their windows where weak lights illuminated cramped and filthy interiors. A foul odor wafted into the vehicle despite all the windows being tightly closed.

"They call this 'New Town'," Michael said wryly as he watched her studying her grubby surroundings. "The UN contracted workers from the other planet in this system, Pegasus, to build the city. But when the criminals took over, they kicked them all out immediately as they were wary of any UN personnel on the surface. It was up to the refugees to build the rest, but being mostly skill-less, this was the product of their labors."

"Is there an 'Old Town'?" Sarah asked without looking round to him, busy studying a pair of men dragging a screaming third into a dark alleyway.

That last part made me smile--not because I'm cruel, but because it is such a good way to say a lot about an area without using bland description. "What kind of place is it? Well, I did see two guys dragging a screaming man into a dark alley." It's a picture worth a thousand words. Nice.

Almost all my stories are about rebels, and I know that the backstory is everything (that is, it can either ruin everything or improve everything). Like in Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and The Matrix, the backsory answers one of the most pressing questions: how did it come to this? If the backstory is good, you have a lot to work with. If it is bad, it works against you at every turn. Sorry to go on and on, but these are the stories I like the best, and it is great to see others share my interest. I said all that to say this: nice backstory. It seemed very well thought out.

All in all, you paint an interesting and believable picture of life on the planet in your story. I'm really starting to get a feel for it. Very few authors go to the trouble of rounding out their chosen environment. They usually paint with broad strokes and you get the idea that there is some sort of cookie-cutter that humans use to create planets. Your world, on the other hand, is distinct and therefore much more intriguing.

I probably sound like a broken record, but I am still not getting much of a feel for the style of your dialogue. It seems to be a bit uneven; ranging from realistic and natural to (you guessed it) unrealistic and unnatural. You never seemed to get into much of a flow with it. At times I was impressed with your dialogue, and at others the it seemed wooden. Oddly enough, this often happened in the span of a sentence. Something to look at.

You faced a rather big challenge in this chapter. You had a ton of exposition to deliver concerning the rebellion, and you attempted to do it within a conversation. The exposition itself was quite good. You managed to cover a lot of ground in a short time and you kept it simple and clear. But I didn't think that it sounded like a natural conversation. At times it seemed like an opening narrative summary. It might have helped to break in a little more with descriptions of Michael's emotions. Infusing more passionate and expressive words into his dialogue would have gone a long way as well. It was obviously something that affected him deeply, but his delivery was a bit on the stoic side.

I almost forgot to mention that you did a good job on Lansing. I hope that you continue to develop his character. You are setting the stage for a lot of possible conflict here, and I can't wait to see where you go with it. And since I see that you are writing another series as well, may I ask when you will be adding to this one again?

Once again, excellent job. Hope to see another installment soon.

C.T. Clown

ps: Sorry that this took so long. Yeah, I know that you don't want an apology, but I said I'd review it nearly a month ago. For reasons I won't go into, it took a lot longer that I planned to get my latest chapter out, even though I had it all but finished over three weeks ago. I put everything on hold for awhile. Time to play catch up Very Happy
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Delightful comment; much appreciated. I do enjoy creating worlds and populating them with my characters. One of the many fun things about writing. I'm glad you enjoyed it, for the most part, at least.

It's been quite a while... and I haven't finished my other newer fic either. So many ideas, so little time... so short an attention span Razz

Thanks again for the thoughtful comment. And while you guessed it, I really don't mind about the time Smile

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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