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Invasion of the NOOBS: An Elegy for Clowns
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 1:06 pm    Post subject: Invasion of the NOOBS: An Elegy for Clowns Reply with quote

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Invasion of the NOOBS: An Elegy for Clowns
Posted by SeverianofUrth
7 September 2006, 3:40 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=SeverianofUr0907061540031.html
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 2:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Absolutely hilarious, Sev. Over-statement, satire, lack of punctuation, a meatball sub, nOOb clowns—this chapter had it all. Seriously, I was laughing out loud.

Quote:
It was too silent, this cell, with its stereotypically damp walls and darkness, and even the torturers had been of the routine sort: totally insane without a hint of mercy.

Loved this bit. 'Nuff said.

Quote:
The mind finds refuges in places where the body, in a very run-on sentence that will not employ those cowardly things called commas or periods or punctuation, suffers from physical torments to which the rigors of reading a non-formatted story posted by a unluckily English-deficient child of age eighteen who usually spends his time trolling on forums and trolling on the world and chortling in various comic stores in which he reads generic power fantasies that Scott McCloud would chortle repetitively at and thus the torments that the body suffers overwhelms the sensory perceptions to which the mind is narrowly subjected to and thus the mind escapes, usually, with much use of colons, with regal bearing and style, does converse with God.


Nick was going mad. He just didn't know it.

This nearly dropped me from my chair. Beautifully done. Your style, word use and humor are pitch-perfect in this paragraph.

Quote:
"So, Mista Kang, wanna tango you say?" The n00b sharpened his knife on the whet-stone as loudly as he could. Intimidation should be coming around soon, he thought.


But Kang was made of sterner stuff then that. No, instead of whimpering with insane fear from the torture that was soon to begin, Nick threw back his head and cried, FREEDOM!!!

This was the beginning of a hilarious section. The way you had this nOOb talking had me—once again—laughing out loud.

Quote:
"I am a scottish man," Kang whispered, struggling through the incredible (and fantastic, you can't forget fantastic) pain. "I am Ben the Pwner."


"Wha?"


"FREEDOMMMMMMMMM!!!"

I'm danged fortunate that I wasn't eating when I got to this part. Nick's cry at the end of this was pure hilarity.

Quote:
"I WASN'T A CLOWN SINCE BIRTH. I WAS BORN A NORMAL MAN. I HAD A DAUGHTER, A FAMILY. A YELLOW HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS. A POOL IN THE BACK. EVERY NIGHT I'D VISIT MY DAUGHTER BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP, KISS HER ON THE FOREHEAD. YOU DO NOT KNOW; THE PAIN." The Clown paused, as if he was suffering from some great inner pain; but then, of course he was. After all, he was talking about his dead family.

By this time my wife (who is still alive and well, by the way) probably thought I was going to wake the baby. I haven't a clue what made you think to put Chuckles' dialogue in all caps, but I thought it was a little thing that added a lot to the humor.

Quote:
Then there was silence. Nick peeked out-- and saw to his surprise that the Clown was crying. Great fat drops of tears were running down his face, leaving clear trails through the thick greasepaint. "I'm sorry," he whispered.


"OF COURSE. OF COURSE YOU ARE. ALL I HAVE LEFT OF HER IS THE PICTURE... THE PICTURE OVER MY HEART, ONE THAT BEATS STILL DESPITE THE PAIN, THE SORROW." He touched his right breast. "MY STILL-PUMPING HEART. MY BLACK HEART. MY CLOWN HEART."

Hysterical.

Quote:
Then the Clown turned back to the door, to the fallen n00b, and pulled out his cleaver. "I WILL BE GOING. I WOULD SUGGEST TO YOU THAT YOU LEAVE OPENING ACT FOR DEAD. MAKE FOR THE NORTH; THERE WON'T BE ANY NOOBS LEFT THERE. NOT ALIVE, AT THE VERY LEAST."


"Why aren't there any n00blings left over there?"


"DO NOT QUESTION ME. JUST KNOW AND BE GRATEFUL. AND THAT I EXPENDED THREE THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED AND NINETY SIX ROUNDS OF MY SPECIAL CLOWN-GAS MAGNUM SHOTS TO SAVE YOU. THAT EQUALS NINE THOUSAND, EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY EIGHT DEAD NOOBS."


Nick thought that over for a second, and said, "But that doesn't make sense."


"DO NOT QUESTION ME. I AM NOT TOO WELL AT MATH." As the Clown stepped out of the torture chamber, he said, "I HAVE CUT YOUR BONDS. FAREWELL."


Then he was gone: Nick stood up, shakily, blood still seeping down his legs. He limped over to the door. And he saw, with a flash of fear, the Clown still wheeling off on his little tricycle, his tricycle of doom. At that moment, Kang felt only pity for the Spanish Spartan. He was sure that the n00b's death was going to be slow, steady, and very unpleasant.

I loved this, but let me set the record straight: I am awesome at math. Just so you know.

Ah, Sev, this was priceless. Best bit of comedy I've read on here since I can remember. You scored on every gag. Very, very nice. And I can't wait to see what Chuckles does to SS.

C.T. Clown
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 3:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Such glory! Such absolute glory!

Sev, I've said this before: I love you.
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OpeningAct
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 3:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"I WILL BE GOING. I WOULD SUGGEST TO YOU THAT YOU LEAVE OPENING ACT FOR DEAD. MAKE FOR THE NORTH; THERE WON'T BE ANY NOOBS LEFT THERE. NOT ALIVE, AT THE VERY LEAST."


I don't like the sound of that, but hilarious nonetheless. But when are you going to get to Saving Private Opening? Laughing
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 7:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome job, Sev. I believe that everything good that I could say has already been said. So instead of repeating stuff I'll just say great job and then I'll do a little dance *does the awesome fic dance of awesomeness* 10/10.
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Mech
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 8:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tricycle of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM

That was hilarious. My mental image of Chuckles just went into the drug trip section.

*gay voice*

Fabulous, dahling.

Five out of five snaps! *snaps five times*

*end gay voice*
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Skul
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I give this fic five out of five skulls, a rating system I will probably never use ever again.
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 11:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[irish voice]BRILLIANT![/irish voice]

That was the only thing I have ever read that actually made me ROFL.

I guess I'm lucky it didn't make me LMAO. Meep.

I have to say that the best line ever written on this site is now officially:

Sev, who is way the hell more talented than me, wrote:
hen he swung on the chain once more, to see if it had loosened a bit-- n00bs always left plot holes, and this should've been of no exception-- but nothing happened.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 2:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anyone ever just feel sorry for the n00bs?

I don't.

Great story, Sev. Again, you have filled your entry will a million little unique, memorable touches. For instance:

Quote:
Then he swung on the chain once more, to see if it had loosened a bit-- n00bs always left plot holes, and this should've been of no exception-- but nothing happened.


Quote:
It was sibilant, hissing, serpentine; dark and damp and everything related to Sauron in Lord of the Rings.


Quote:
The n00b stares dumbly down at the wooden handle sticking from his ribs. Then death knocks on his brains, tells him that the game's up; you've kicked the bucket, ye bastard.


It's great how you are able to put in a slew of subtle touches in a blatantly unsubtle story.

Great stuff. Don't stop writing, keep the laughs coming.

- Arthur
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 6:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nothing more to say than "About freakin' time" and "Great freakin' job!"

I'm hoping to be cured soon, by the way.
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Hardballer
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 12:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

N00bs, Clowns and a Spanish Spartan. Random Cool
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 2:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, Hardballer, I'll tell you the legend of SS later.

But for now, that reminds me, I have to work on the next installment! Sev, I'm in!

- Dave.
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
God, that face had been satanic. And his voice was a low growl, not like that of a bear but of a undead bear, a bear crawling with rotting maggots and worms and skittering centipedes, who prowled through the winter night chomping down on Russian virgins and peasants...

I love this! I love it! I laughed so hard I almost died! Laughing

Sev, you are amazing.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2006 3:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, everyone.

The next chapter has me excited. It's got me very excited. It's a whole new take on this n00b-comedy genre, in that it's not a comedy. Seriously--it's called, this next chapter, Battle Royale: When All The Noobs Died. I'm inordinately excited about it. Oh my God, I'm so excited that I'm not afraid to employ the word 'repeated' in rapid repetition.

I'm also learning about the joys of criticism in college. I hate it. Very Happy Which is one of the reasons why I couldn't post here throughout the weekend.

Quote:
It's great how you are able to put in a slew of subtle touches in a blatantly unsubtle story.


This story wasn't meant to be subtle, and I didn't intend anything to be sublte, but if you thought it was subtle, then it must be subtle, so I'm glad--I must be improving. Thanks, man.

Quote:
[irish voice]BRILLIANT![/irish voice]


I'm using that, come next chapter.

Quote:
don't like the sound of that, but hilarious nonetheless. But when are you going to get to Saving Private Opening?


Private Opening's already dead, man. But as a dead body you get a lot more screentime then most of the others.

Quote:
By this time my wife (who is still alive and well, by the way) probably thought I was going to wake the baby. I haven't a clue what made you think to put Chuckles' dialogue in all caps, but I thought it was a little thing that added a lot to the humor.


I patterned the Clown after Death in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. Death in there speaks in ALLCAPS, too.

Quote:
Nothing more to say than "About freakin' time" and "Great freakin' job!"


It's only been about two years, man. Very Happy [/quote]
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 1:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

anyone here who hasn't seen the movie Battle Royale is a n00b. Except you Dave, I'm not sure about if you've seen that.

I loved the chapter, that "Wha?" was so f-ing pricless followed by the ""FREEDOMMMMMMMMM!!!"" hehehehe.

SS, ooh the nostalgic feeling. I can't wait for the carnage the The Clown brings to SS.
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