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Court of Darkness (chapter two): Kimberly Joy
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 3:38 pm    Post subject: Court of Darkness (chapter two): Kimberly Joy Reply with quote

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Court of Darkness (chapter two): Kimberly Joy
Posted by Chuckles
31 August 2006, 4:18 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Chuckles0831061618141.html
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Radont
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 4:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I took a break out of my own writing (for real) to read through this one and I'm glad I did. I especially like the description of the three guys jumping over the bar then getting blasted. I could almost hear the gunshots sitting here and I could definately see the heads exploding.

Great, gruesome job, as usual.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 6:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm guessing that this is a continuation of the storyline in Ghosts of Erebus, and I'm happy about that--I think that was your best series, out of the three you've finished so far. But I guess this means that Chuckles definitely isn't coming back, unless some unholy flash-cloning is referenced and the Clown is brought back, Frankenstein-style. I wouldn't mind that, if you came up with something awesome to explain it.

As Radont said, 'great, gruesome job, as usual.'
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

SeverianofUrth wrote:
I'm guessing that this is a continuation of the storyline in Ghosts of Erebus, and I'm happy about that--I think that was your best series, out of the three you've finished so far. But I guess this means that Chuckles definitely isn't coming back, unless some unholy flash-cloning is referenced and the Clown is brought back, Frankenstein-style. I wouldn't mind that, if you came up with something awesome to explain it.

As Radont said, 'great, gruesome job, as usual.'


My thoughts exactly.
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monitor101
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 9:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just finished reading Ghosts of Erebus and wow what a story, now I see why everyone lauded it. As always brilliant job on this one, Chuckles. Just a question but are you like the alter ego of Stephen King?
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 9:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kings got nothing on the clown.
Now Im really curious as to whatever is stalking people at night....sounds like a friend of mine actually...well the stalking part anyway.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 5:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One GPS error in there. You used a "you're" when it should have been "your." Usually that's the other way around with young writers, so I was surprised to see this. But that was very minor.

I'm just going to put this out there, and it's a very minor quibble, but still: I don't like your naming of the ODST Captain Helljumper. I love the author, he got me started on HBOFF, but I really wish you had named him a regular name. It would make the character much more believable in my mind. Only certain people get by with only one name; Pele, Bono, Sting, and Mom...Helljumper just seems like a cop out. But that's a minor quibble. Doesn't really alter the fact that this is yet ANOTHER great chapter put out by a very accomplished author.

Great images in this chapter: Sagus and Helljumper waiting in the rain. The dialouge was brief but effective, it was alive in my mind.

[edit] Oh yeah! And the first paragraph was BRILLIANT. It gets lost in the plot as we speed along, but it was VERY effective. This is a town gripped by fear and coping as well as they can, and I though that scene was vibrant, vintage Chuckles, and a great way to set the tone for the chapter. Bravo to that opening.

Every time I picture the rebels I get a circa 1980 IRA vibe. Wool, scally caps, patches on sweaters kind of thing. I like the strong female lead of O'C. I'm excited to see how you develop that character.

As always, your readers know you've got the plot planned out in your head, and you will only release tidbits to us as you see fit. You create excellent suspense and tease with a masterful touch. I will continue to be led happily along by my short leash. Get the next one out.

In the words of Fort Minor, "Without even trying, how does he DO it?"
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azrael wrote:
Quote:
I'm just going to put this out there, and it's a very minor quibble, but still: I don't like your naming of the ODST Captain Helljumper. I love the author, he got me started on HBOFF, but I really wish you had named him a regular name. It would make the character much more believable in my mind. Only certain people get by with only one name; Pele, Bono, Sting, and Mom...Helljumper just seems like a cop out.

I understand what you are saying, but the fact is that I already named the guy Helljumper in the previous fic (Ghosts of Erebus) and to keep the character going, I have to use it. And, judging from reader comments, he was probably just behind Chuckles and Lexicus in popularity. But yeah, it does sound pretty cheesey at times. I would not mind revealing a first name, but I don't mess with characters without first getting the permission of the owners; and I don't have much hope of getting ahold of the "real" Helljumper. I e-mailed and PM'd him twice before starting this series (not about this, but to get permission to use his character again) and never got a reply. But, yeah, I get your point.

Thanks for the review. I don't usually reply to comments until they've built up a while, but I wanted to get to this one for some reason.

C.T. Clown
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Mech
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well done once again Chuckles. A great chapter for the series.

A small note, though. Was this meant to be an inside joke about short tales of Terror #3? I think other people will get it now.

Quote:
"An ugly mate like me?" Terrence scoffed. "They'd take one look at this mug and be overcome with sympathy. It'd be like shivvin' a mental patient, an' no one's got a heart that black."


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Guardian
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved the irony you used in her name and the final sentence.
Quote:
Kimberly Joy was still dead; her body was still cold.

And she would never smile again.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 4:27 pm    Post subject: Good story, Chuckles Reply with quote

Another good chapter, my friend.

Fighting injustice is always a great story, even if it carried out by those who have no choice but to circumvent the sanctioned authority.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 7:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved the opening scene with kid and his mother, reading the Bible - talk about setting the mood! The atmosphere there was as thick as pea soup, so to speak. I really quite liked how you captured the innocence of a child in such a horrific world. It really made the scene come together and work just as it should.

I also really liked the concept of the Industrial Pallisades and the Industrial Board of Governors. Its little details like this that really put you in the story. It stands to reason that there would be a host of little beaureaucratic organizations on all the colonies. Too often in fics people refer sweepingly to the UNSC as if there are no private corporations or local governments. Nice.

Great development of all the characters, big and small. The little touches and character histories you put in for Terrence and the Chief of Police, even though neither as yet had a huge impact on the story, were just great. Everyone seemed really fleshed out and real. Character driven stories have always been my favorite.

Nice use of language throught as well, as per usual. Notably:

Quote:
With Helljumper calling the tune, flame blossomed from their weapons in a grim dance of light and color that began with gold, and ended in red.


Loved that. Vivid and colorful - just great.

A few technical gripes. I noticed this happening a few times:

Quote:
Sarah looked at him with surprise. "And why's that?" Ben laughed.

"Because he's God here too!


Quote:
"An honor to meet you, Captain." The career ODST smiled slightly.

"Chairman."


You had the speaker say something and then described who he was adressing in the same paragraph, with the response following in a separate paragraph. I find it a little jarring especially when later you do the opposite:

Quote:
"Phil?"

Beerman sighed. "What do you need, Blige?"


I also have a small gripe with the story. Regarding the shootout in the pub: these were open rebels immediately hostile to the UN hanging out in a very public place? Shouldn't they be laying low? If not, shouldn't the UN dispatch someone to deal with such blatant rebellion? In fact, if I recall, in the last chapter you made it seem that O'Carrol's group were the only rebels on Tethra Sagus need worry about.

To wrap up: excellent as expected. Fantastic work. When's the next one coming?

- Arthur
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 1:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Radont wrote:
Quote:
I took a break out of my own writing (for real) to read through this one and I'm glad I did. I especially like the description of the three guys jumping over the bar then getting blasted. I could almost hear the gunshots sitting here and I could definately see the heads exploding.

Great, gruesome job, as usual.

Thanks for the comment, and for the several proofreads as well. I'm looking forward to the next chapter of your own series.

Severian wrote:
Quote:
I'm guessing that this is a continuation of the storyline in Ghosts of Erebus, and I'm happy about that--I think that was your best series, out of the three you've finished so far. But I guess this means that Chuckles definitely isn't coming back, unless some unholy flash-cloning is referenced and the Clown is brought back, Frankenstein-style. I wouldn't mind that, if you came up with something awesome to explain it.

As Radont said, 'great, gruesome job, as usual.'

Thanks Sev. No, I'm not gonna give Chuckles some sort of resurrection, although I am sure that he will turn up in stories yet to come.

monitor 101 wrote:
Quote:
I just finished reading Ghosts of Erebus and wow what a story, now I see why everyone lauded it. As always brilliant job on this one, Chuckles. Just a question but are you like the alter ego of Stephen King?

Glad you liked Erebus. Of all the stories I've written, Erebus has my favorite ending. No, I am not Mr. King's alter ego. It's funny; the two people I get compared to the most are Stephen King and R.L. Stein—and I've never read a blasted thing by either of them. Maybe I ought to.

me wrote:
Quote:
Now Im really curious as to whatever is stalking people at night...

Good Very Happy

Azrael wrote:
Quote:
Great images in this chapter: Sagus and Helljumper waiting in the rain. The dialouge was brief but effective, it was alive in my mind.

[edit] Oh yeah! And the first paragraph was BRILLIANT. It gets lost in the plot as we speed along, but it was VERY effective. This is a town gripped by fear and coping as well as they can, and I though that scene was vibrant, vintage Chuckles, and a great way to set the tone for the chapter. Bravo to that opening.

Every time I picture the rebels I get a circa 1980 IRA vibe. Wool, scally caps, patches on sweaters kind of thing. I like the strong female lead of O'C. I'm excited to see how you develop that character.

As always, your readers know you've got the plot planned out in your head, and you will only release tidbits to us as you see fit. You create excellent suspense and tease with a masterful touch. I will continue to be led happily along by my short leash. Get the next one out.

Thanks for mentioning the opening. If nobody ever brings it up, I wonder if it worked at all. Good to hear.
Ahh, you are picturing the "rebels" (if that's what they are) just as I was trying to portray them. O'Carrol is a fun character to write, and since I based her on a rather frightening lady I used to work with, I can picture her quite clearly.
Thanks for the comments and thoughtful review.

Mech wrote:
Quote:
Well done once again Chuckles. A great chapter for the series.

A small note, though. Was this [the comment about shivvin' a mental patient] meant to be an inside joke about short tales of Terror #3?

No, I hadn't even thought of it until I saw your post. In fact, it had been something different in the first draft:
Quote:
"An ugly mate like me?" Terrence scoffed. "They'd take one look at this mug and be overcome with sympathy. It'd be like shivvin' a baby, an' no one's got a heart that black."

But I couldn't very well have Terrence saying that when his own baby girl had died due to the selfishness of others. So I reached for the next most sympathetic thing, and chose "mental patient."
Thanks for the comment, Mech.

Shadow wrote that he loved the irony of my ending, which was:
Quote:
Kimberly Joy was still dead; her body was still cold.

And she would never smile again.

Yeah, I'm sort of addicted to irony. Glad you caught that.

Turpertrator wrote:
Quote:
Another good chapter, my friend.

Fighting injustice is always a great story, even if it carried out by those who have no choice but to circumvent the sanctioned authority.

Thanks, but I'm not so sure that O'Carrol is doing things the right way. I'd have to think on that one.

I did not get to Arthur's post because this is too long already, and his comment warrants a bit more attention.

Thanks to everyone who read this and especially to those who wrote a comment; including Syotica who seconded a comment. I appreciate it very much.

C.T. Clown
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 10:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The pestilence that walketh in darkness?

Dude, that's a freak coincidence! Cryptopsy have a song that quotes this verse (which is, unsurprisingly, called "The Pestilence that Walketh in Darkness), and I happened to be listening to it while reading the opening part of this story!

It's quite fitting...

I'll read the rest in a bit when I calm down, but I'm looking forward to this with great anticipation.

- Dave.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 2:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Glad you liked Erebus. Of all the stories I've written, Erebus has my favorite ending. No, I am not Mr. King's alter ego. It's funny; the two people I get compared to the most are Stephen King and R.L. Stein—and I've never read a blasted thing by either of them. Maybe I ought to.


Well, thats amazing. I suggest The Dark Tower series, because of it's depth and great plot. Or maybe Dreamcatcher, or even Carrie. All of his books are great, at least to me.
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