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Spectre: Book Two: The Battle for Klendathu: Chapter One

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 3:38 pm    Post subject: Spectre: Book Two: The Battle for Klendathu: Chapter One Reply with quote
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Spectre: Book Two: The Battle for Klendathu: Chapter One
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
30 August 2006, 2:50 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0830061450191.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 3:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
The last little part was a fluke. Apology, to y'all.
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 2:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Nice story, Gallagher. Obviously, this is an extension to a series I never got the opportunity to read, but you had enough exposition to sum it all up.

I like the premise. Giant bugs? Great stuff. I really like original ideas as there is a lot of the same out there, and you set this one apart.

Also, I really like the character development. You had quite a few chatacters in there, but it didn't seem too rushed - they were all nicely described so you got a good feel for who they were. It also eased the transition nicely from the meeting of the Admirals to the front lines.

A few technical gripes though. I noticed a few of your sentences ran a little long and were a little cumbersome. For instance:

Quote:
As quiet and comfortable classical music played in the background, Hugh smiled as a man dressed in a Dress Blue "A" type Marine uniform sat in the seat next to Hugh, a smile upon his face as he would appear more relaxed than the Admiral.


This definitely should have been split into two sentences, and the repeating of Hugh's name is a little jarring.

Also, you changed tense a couple of times"

Quote:
"ONI" siphons funds from charity shelters and help organizations just to pay for the extravagant items they currently use at the moment.


Most of the story is presented in standard past-tense, so try to stay consistent.

Overall, a nice story. I look forward to more.

- Arthur
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 4:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Sorry about that. It's a habit, changing tenses. I guess I can call it my style?

And thanks for the review, Arthur.
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Mech
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Location: Zoom in on Idaho by about 100x and maybe you'll find the dot on the map called Victor
PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 2:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Just two little suggestions from me.

Try putting a space between each paragraph. It'll make it easier to keep track of where the reader is, so he dosen't get lost more often. Reading on big block of text kinda hurts your eyes and makes people less likely to read it from the start, since it looks really long.

Also, on that note, it works best to start a new paragraph when someone speaks. This only applies when someone other than the previous speaker talks. Otherwise, you can have the same person talk in the same paragraph. It seems to dramatize the effects of a sentence.

The other thing, is that, at least to me, italics seem to work better than bold.

Like, this part:
Quote:
"Dammit, it's 'Anthony'" Gallagher sighed, sitting down in the leather seat.


The bold seemed a little jarring, and italics seem to to make it more obvious it's a correction. Also, try putting a space between the ' and ". It seemed alittle confusing with what looked like 3 's.

Thanks! You don't have to take my corrections, though.
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