HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Spectre: Book Two: The Battle for Klendathu: Chapter One

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4354
PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 3:38 pm    Post subject: Spectre: Book Two: The Battle for Klendathu: Chapter One Reply with quote
This topic is for posting comments to:

Spectre: Book Two: The Battle for Klendathu: Chapter One
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
30 August 2006, 2:50 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0830061450191.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
Member


Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 1218
Location: Always here to help
PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 3:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
The last little part was a fluke. Apology, to y'all.
_________________

"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 2:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Nice story, Gallagher. Obviously, this is an extension to a series I never got the opportunity to read, but you had enough exposition to sum it all up.

I like the premise. Giant bugs? Great stuff. I really like original ideas as there is a lot of the same out there, and you set this one apart.

Also, I really like the character development. You had quite a few chatacters in there, but it didn't seem too rushed - they were all nicely described so you got a good feel for who they were. It also eased the transition nicely from the meeting of the Admirals to the front lines.

A few technical gripes though. I noticed a few of your sentences ran a little long and were a little cumbersome. For instance:

Quote:
As quiet and comfortable classical music played in the background, Hugh smiled as a man dressed in a Dress Blue "A" type Marine uniform sat in the seat next to Hugh, a smile upon his face as he would appear more relaxed than the Admiral.


This definitely should have been split into two sentences, and the repeating of Hugh's name is a little jarring.

Also, you changed tense a couple of times"

Quote:
"ONI" siphons funds from charity shelters and help organizations just to pay for the extravagant items they currently use at the moment.


Most of the story is presented in standard past-tense, so try to stay consistent.

Overall, a nice story. I look forward to more.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
Member


Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 1218
Location: Always here to help
PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 4:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Sorry about that. It's a habit, changing tenses. I guess I can call it my style?

And thanks for the review, Arthur.
_________________

"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Mech
Member


Joined: 11 Jun 2006
Posts: 29
Location: Zoom in on Idaho by about 100x and maybe you'll find the dot on the map called Victor
PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 2:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Just two little suggestions from me.

Try putting a space between each paragraph. It'll make it easier to keep track of where the reader is, so he dosen't get lost more often. Reading on big block of text kinda hurts your eyes and makes people less likely to read it from the start, since it looks really long.

Also, on that note, it works best to start a new paragraph when someone speaks. This only applies when someone other than the previous speaker talks. Otherwise, you can have the same person talk in the same paragraph. It seems to dramatize the effects of a sentence.

The other thing, is that, at least to me, italics seem to work better than bold.

Like, this part:
Quote:
"Dammit, it's 'Anthony'" Gallagher sighed, sitting down in the leather seat.


The bold seemed a little jarring, and italics seem to to make it more obvious it's a correction. Also, try putting a space between the ' and ". It seemed alittle confusing with what looked like 3 's.

Thanks! You don't have to take my corrections, though.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group