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Long Time Gone Part 23

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2004 11:49 pm    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 23 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 23
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
23 October 2004, 7:04 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.10230407044823.html
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2004 12:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Watch your tenses there, you switched around a bit, which just didn't look very good.
Also, watch your repedetiveness there. Things seemed to lean that way in several places.

Overall, things went by really fast and started to seam silly. I could have pictured all of these folks as aname characters running around with quivering eyes. That's not a good thing unless you were aiming for it. Keep working though.
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