HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Here Lies Sarah Eaton: Part 2
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 3:05 pm    Post subject: Here Lies Sarah Eaton: Part 2 Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Here Lies Sarah Eaton: Part 2
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
25 August 2006, 5:17 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle0825060517291.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 3:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't think I'll have the time to read part 1, but the second part is so well-fleshed-out (or some word of that sort) that I had no trouble just seeping into the story. Some sentences struck me as being, well, awesome:

Quote:
"Again, Sarah," the man said gently. She yanked the knife from the man and stabbed him once more, this time eliciting little more than a whimper.


Short, sweet (if brutal), and simple. But I thought the paragraph that followed--the one where she's just charged with bloodthirst, like this insane satisfaction of killing--was kind of unnecessary. I'd have preferred to just end it right then, 'eliciting little more than a whimper,' because, first off, its self-explanatory: everyone knows the outcome; and a hint is always better then a full-on explanation because a hint is shorter and it seems more elegant. Also, its a bit more ambiguous, and leaves the reader hanging a bit--did she truly enjoy it? Was it something that Sarah had always wanted to do ? (well, there's no doubt just what Sarah though about the killing, when you read the beginning paragraph of that little italicized reflection)

Of course, its all up to you, m'friend. Great story. I'll try to read the first part whenever I can.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Danke.

I wanted to show how much they dehumanized her, made her what they wanted her to be...

Too strong, though?...
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You better put up a bigger advertisement. Why isn't anyone reading this?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
Member


Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 1218
Location: Always here to help

PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 2:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have nothing much to add to the "great, good, wow, awesome" comments you are bond to get. I just found it too suspenseful for my tastes, but it was nonetheless excellently written. I found it not a bore when I read it.
_________________

"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 8:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's at times like this when I just wish I could take my computer outside, turn it on its side, and read it on its side like a real 'book.' Well, obviously advertising a computer as a 'book' is false advertising, huh? Guess that's why they call it an 'ibook' because it can't do what a book can. Sheesh. Actually, my compy's a 'notebook...'

Well, I really like Arth's style - for one, narration centres not in the middle of nowhere - I've seen it go like that a lot with other authors, but Arth's centres it -around- someone. I have a hard time explaining what I mean by that, but it's safe enough to say I just like the style quite a lot - especially the part in italics as this dudette shows off her apparent liking for slashing things.

Pretty scary there, at times - Arth goes deep enough to give us enough feelings, but he doesn't overwhelm readers with loads n' loads of text - things are clear, clean, and provide a happy medium.

Thumbs up!

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot, Dave, and Rabid. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Zombie
Member


Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 24
Location: Raccoon City

PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 12:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

my apologizes for not getting to this sooner.

i echo Rabid's words in that my comments are always great when it comes to your stories. this one especially, you explain a totally unique idea here, one that i dont think has ever been touched about the flash clones that replaced the spartans. fantastic writing still, perfect amounts of detail that keep me interested and allow me to picture everything. i look forward to more stories sir.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 1:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know what? I totally and utterly missed this chapter. Luckily I just found it.

This was really masterful. Sarah's transition into a killing machine is really a lot more moving than the same transition for the Master Chief. I eagerly await the next chapter.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good chapter. Up until Sarah was confronted by the police officer the flow seemed off to me (as it had seemed to be throughout most of the first chapter) but the moment she turned and said "Do it again" you seemed to hit a smooth, captivating stride. I thought that the flashback was particularly well done, and I really liked how it connected to both sides of the present. You created a powerful image in the reader's mind while simultaneously delivering us background information. Or, to put it another way, you provided exposition in such a way that actually helped the pacing of your story. **Any new writers reading this might want to take a look at how he pulled that off**

I still felt that your dialogue was a bit awkward. You said that you meant it to be stylized, but it really never struck me that way. With everything else about this story being gritty and hard hitting, it seems a bit strange for the dialogue to be given in such a subdued, decidedly non-gritty manner.

At times it seemed that your narration was also a bit awkward. Look at these:
Quote:
They had brought her back to her hotel room, Michael laying her not without some care on the bed.

And
Quote:
Sarah looked at the two of them, following the brief exchange.

And
Quote:
Michael laughed mirthlessly. He looked at her furiously.

Do you see what I mean? Short, halting sentences and odd sentence structure. This was not something you did throughout the entire chapter, but it was noticeable--and for you a bit unexpected. Seeing as I am (I think) the only person to bring this up, perhaps this too had to do with the style you were shooting for and I somehow missed it. Who knows.

Quote:
"What in God's name was that?" Michael cried. "What demon have I taken under my wing in my sister's guise? Who are you? And for that matter what are you?"

Sarah lifted herself slowly so that she was upright, but did not rise from the bed. "I am what I claim to be, brother," she said softly. "Those that took me trained me in certain waysóchanged me."

"Which is to say you are a danger to all around you?"

She shook her head slowly. "Certain events or phrases evoke memories of my training. When confronted Iólost control."

This reminds me a lot of the movie Serenity. I'm not in any way suggesting that you copied their plotóthis story is clearly of your own creationójust that Serenity and Halo have many similarities that I hadn't seen before. If you haven't seen that movie yet, I recommend it. Good sci-fi.

Bah! I really liked this story, but as I look back on this review, it seems I had more complaints than anything else. Believe me when I say that the errors (both perceived and imagined) were small and took little away from the story. You had great atmosphere, skilled exposition and a lightning pace. This was well written and a lot of fun to read.

Bring on chapter three.

C.T. Clown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
This reminds me a lot of the movie Serenity. I'm not in any way suggesting that you copied their plotóthis story is clearly of your own creationójust that Serenity and Halo have many similarities that I hadn't seen before. If you haven't seen that movie yet, I recommend it. Good sci-fi.


Indeed, I've seen both Firefly and Serenity. In a small way, Sarah is inspired by River, but the similarities, I promise, are tiny.

Thank you very much for the thoughtful review, Chuckles. Sometimes I have this idea in my head as to what I want to do, and perhaps I missed the mark this time. I'll try to correct it.

Thank you everyone.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Sometimes I have this idea in my head as to what I want to do, and perhaps I missed the mark this time.

If you did, it certainly wasn't by much. This is an excellent series.

C.T. Clown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 2:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
Michael cringed at the word "brother".

Opps. Remember basic typographical rules.

You wrote:
"There were others, trained strictly for combat.

This was a nice, hard hitting sentence. Earlier, I was almost keeping myself from sighing, thinking that this was another Spartan tale, but you've insinuated so much more with this. We all know about the "others," the famous green giants, but not much about Sarah and her own kind.

That flashback was great. The transitions from the dialogue jogging her memory, to the gruesome scene of her mutilating a man in the forest, then back to the saloon where she had just killed a police officer wrer all done superbly. What could they possibly have trained her to be for this kind of stuff to happen?

You wrote:
A few seemed intent capturing her, put a pair of arms lifted her from the floor and half carried her back into the night air.

A couple mistakes in there. In all reality, this was very clean work, but I've seen you get installments pretty much perfect, GPS wise, so really I've come to expect that from you. Smile

You wrote:
"Certain events or phrases evoke memories of my training. When confronted Iólost control."

Really, that em-dash should be an elipsis.

I think that they didn't really address the situation after the murder of the police officer very well. It seemed like Michael just offered a few words in rebuke and then dropped it ("It is late now, and we should get what sleep we can..."). If somebody I had known came back from the dead and just killed a policeman... it just seemed a bit too nonchalant, given the circumstances.

Same with the ending scene. I can see the emotions he would have, the guilt and remose, but I think those would be clouded over by skepticism and fear. It just seemed a little too easy to me, with him accepting this as his sister without reservation. What if this was another clone, or a look-alike? I'm just thinking that after watching her die, and then she comes back (and kills a man brutally)...

Overall, very good, though I think certain aspects were not developed enough to warrant the character's behavior. Nonetheless, I'm looking forward to the next.

-R
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot russ... damn, some of that was sloppy! I appreciate having that pointed out. If I thought that was flawless I'd start to get lazy.

More will be explained in the next chapter.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 12:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chuckles wrote:
This reminds me a lot of the movie Serenity. I'm not in any way suggesting that you copied their plotóthis story is clearly of your own creationójust that Serenity and Halo have many similarities that I hadn't seen before. If you haven't seen that movie yet, I recommend it. Good sci-fi.


You know, I was just thinking that. I saw Serenity the other day and I noticed that there were a few similarities to this story.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group