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Long Time Gone Part 22

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2004 11:49 pm    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 22 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 22
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
23 October 2004, 6:54 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.10230406541222.html
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2004 12:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Please don't abriviate ranks. That just doesn't look good in writing. Spell the stuff out, it just looks smoother.
Things seemed a little rushed and unclear throughout. You need to seperate things more clearly.
Also, some things just didn' make sense. Why wouldn't that guy recognise those two as not on his team? Those kinds of details really drew away from the story for me.

Overall, it still feels like this series has a lack of enthusiasm. There is hardly any real details to hod my attention, and the story buzzes by too fast. You need to expand and explain more, get the reader into the story. I felt like I was skimming over the surface the whole time. Keep working.
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