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The Records of Brian Waite - Part 1 of 2
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 12:36 pm    Post subject: The Records of Brian Waite - Part 1 of 2 Reply with quote

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The Records of Brian Waite - Part 1 of 2
Posted by CoLd BlooDed (broken_lizard12@hotmail.com)
18 August 2006, 9:22 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CoLd_BlooDed0818060922531.html
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 2:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
If not, forget about this entire log, just skip it right now… seriously, right now. SKIP.

Kidding, kidding, don't do it.

I laughed at that. That is totally something you would say. Smile

You wrote:
… sacrificing truth to keep this program going? What else are they hiding?

Indeed, what else? 52 murders in 6-months aboard a space station is believable, but the fact that he wasn't caught sooner is not as much so. Either the people there are really dumb and couldn't solve a mystery to (literally) save their lives, or somebody's hiding something...

You wrote:
{report 0612h - error [whisperscreamlaugh(?)]}

Apparently she disappeared in the morning somewhere around 6 o'clock.

I liked that connection, but you made it a bit easy for the reader. Rolling Eyes

You wrote:
[05.28.56 / 1844 hours]

By the way, it's almost eight o'clock.

Whoops.

You wrote:
The moon is the only source of light right now, it's currently shining through every window I pass, but that's not enough to help me see or curb my fear that something's going to grab me.

That was a great description.

Overall, this was quite good. You kept me glued for the entire time, and I didn't break pace. The only, only thing I have to gripe about was that you made his audio logs a mix of narrative-type writing and dialogue. While it helped paint a picture in my head, it threw me off when you did that because it just doesn't sound like something someone would say. I suppose it's something that needs to be there, but doesn't fit as perfectly as one would hope.

Looking forward to part two.

-R
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 3:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh noes! You gotta love the "journal entries heading slowly to disaster" approach. There's been quite a few fanfics like that recently.

I am afraid.

russ687 pointed out most of the small problems. Great story.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 4:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it, but I wish that the individual journal entries were a bit longer, more fleshed out. Otherwise, good job.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

russ687 wrote:
I laughed at that. That is totally something you would say. Smile


Hey, I had to incorporate some of myself into this, didn't I? Only way to make the speaking realistic.

russ687 wrote:
Indeed, what else? 52 murders in 6-months aboard a space station is believable, but the fact that he wasn't caught sooner is not as much so. Either the people there are really dumb and couldn't solve a mystery to (literally) save their lives, or somebody's hiding something...


Mostly, they nodded them off as 'disappearances', not murders. Maybe they did search for them - but how would they even suspect Rick Barnum? He's one out of hundreds of apprentices. Plus, I think you'd become a little senile and creepy after spending that long on an orbital platform located in the isolated regions of space. I mean... don't senile creeps suck at finding things out? Razz Anyways, you'll just have to wait and see. Smile

russ678 wrote:
I liked that connection, but you made it a bit easy for the reader. Rolling Eyes


I guess you could say I dumbed it down. Laughing Last thing I want is people to become confused, but then again, I may have stretched it.

russ666..? wrote:
Whoops.


Gah! I even counted that out on my fingers!

russ-learn-to-count wrote:
The only, only thing I have to gripe about was that you made his audio logs a mix of narrative-type writing and dialogue. While it helped paint a picture in my head, it threw me off when you did that because it just doesn't sound like something someone would say. I suppose it's something that needs to be there, but doesn't fit as perfectly as one would hope.


I know exactly what you're getting at - I tried to make it as believable as possible ("I'm a poet!" Laughing ). Then again, maybe Mr. Waite realizes that he must inform the journal of what he sees, because he knows all the listeners don't know the landscape. Wink

Azathoth wrote:
You gotta love the "journal entries heading slowly to disaster" approach. There's been quite a few fanfics like that recently.


It's funny, I started this up so long ago, I even posted an excerpt of it in the Writers Help section. I never really got around to it until the last couple of days.

Azathoth wrote:
I am afraid.


Perfect, just wait until the next chapter. Pure chaos. Twisted Evil

Severian wrote:
I liked it, but I wish that the individual journal entries were a bit longer, more fleshed out. Otherwise, good job.


Hey buddy, haven't seen you around for a while! I know what you're getting at, but imagine yourself sitting down with a little electronic journal. You're talking to it about your day, things you've seen, heard, eaten, etc. Do you really want to spend that much time stretching things out? Nah, probably not, you have more important things to do... like fix the generator. Laughing I know I'm making excuses, I know. I'll do my best in part 2.

Thank you guys for reading, I wasn't expecting comments so soon. Very Happy Makes me not feel so forgotten.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, russ beat me to it with the doctor disappearing and the time discrepency, but aside from that I couldn't see anything in just reading it that looked wrong. I really like stories in this format, Kale, and while it doesn't have the benefit of third person narration, it's good when the author can make you believe they actually are the narrator telling their story. You achieved that with me.

The one time I didn't like it was the scene in Andrea's room, and maybe that's just me, but I just can't read dialogue with people screaming for God in the darkness and seeing 'a thing', 'a demon', etc. Mostly cause I've done it before and it turned out terribly. You did a good job of it, it's just my personal opinion that they ruin the mood of the story.

Then again, this is an audio log transcript, not a traditional written story, strictly speaking, so I guess it worked. I'm being pedantic again, I really liked this, mate, looking forward to part two.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot, man - and don't worry, the demon, and everything else will be explained in Part 2. Very Happy
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 4:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Amazing stuff, Kale. I'm looking forward to the next installation. Smile
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 6:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks. Smile
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Imperorator_Jon
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 8:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maaaagnificent. Thanks for flushing out a bit more than you intended. Besides that, I haven't noticed any GPS errors. I do hope you can write out more.

The sewn-together flesh detail was another fun little detail... me likey.

Can't wait for another update!
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice one, I really liked how you made the story sound from the point of view of a true Greenie. The detail was spectacular, the skin suit was creepy.

Also, a demon? I don't understand how a demon fits together with this. Is this a covenant weapon or some psyonic mind control device that the prophets would test on a remote outpost? I mean they have probably brains that are probably more evolved then most species. That's probably the way they hold power in the Covenant right?

Oh and the flood, does this story have any connection with the flood. Their collective mind like structure, and the demonic nature of whatever the hell it was?
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 5:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooh, nice and eerie. You did a good job of sapping every little bit of comfort and security from that station. I felt Brian's despair, and winced at the idea that he had eleven months to go. Every time he tries to reach out to someone for reassurance, that person is either missing or creepier than he could have imagined.

This statement from the Admiral was especially chilling:
Quote:
You know what this means, don't you? You know why you got to see those 'unencrypted' files? He chose you. Rick Barnum chose you.

I like this, because it lets the reader know that you have much more story yet to reveal. At this point the reader might have thought that he'd figured it out (I know I did) but then you throw this unexpected curve. Nice.

Quote:
The snake lies… I am the shadow within a shadow, the reflection within a reflection. Grace you with worms. Walk among infinity with knives. [voice alteration - hiss] Ssssnnnaaakkkeeeee…

I liked that too. It is especially disturbing sitting in the middle of his other intelligible entries.

Creepy, atmospheric and disturbing. I love it. The only criticism I have is that some of the dialogue and journal entries do not seem very natural. This is especially evident when Brian meets with the Admiral. Other than that, this has been very enjoyable. Killer idea for a Halo horror fic.

I'll be looking for the next one.

C.T. Clown
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 3:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot. I was really keen on your comment, Chuckles, considering you're the king of Halo horror. Razz Your response really motivated me to get this next one done (it won't be completed for this update - I go to Vancouver Island until Friday).

I'm glad you found those creepy, it's one of the elements in this story that I was hoping caught you off guard. Very Happy

As for the unnatural journal entries/dialogue, addressing the meeting between Brian and the Admiral, I did read it over and it did seem a tad 'off'. I thought it over, however, and decided that changing it couldn't really make it any less unnatural. Keep in mind that the journal couldn't distinguish when there were pauses and whatnot between conversation (that just accounts for too many '...'s Wink ) -to me, the Admiral/Brian scene was 'fast'.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Positively chilling! While I'm fairly sure none of us have been in exactly the position of poor Brian, you wonderfully described that helpless feeling of being in a new and uncomfortable place, of being utterly disappointed of something much anticipated. This added a lot of flavor to the story and immediately drew me in.

The creepy bits were also very well done - suits of flesh, a psychopath reaching out beyond the grave - great stuff! What awesome horrors are made of! I loved when he was searching the database for Barnum and the and the horror he felt upon his discovery.

Another great touch were the psychotic ramblings interspersed near the end of the journal, cataloguing his descent into madness. The only thing, and I believe it was mentioned, was the scene in Andrea's bedroom. It just didn't come across as authentic. Luckily, this was an aberration.

Also, while most of the smaller flaws have been discussed, I have to point this one out:

Quote:
No, they were there to sew the seed of fear.


In that context it is actually spelled "sow".

Anyway, great story. Look forward to the conclusion.

- Arthur
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2006 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aw man Kale. This is some quality stuff you got yourself going here.
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