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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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 Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 1:55 am Post subject: |
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Another good addition to the series, man. The level of detail maintained and the quality of writing and the action it describes still there. And now, some of the mystery has been revealed. Sounds almost Flood in its manner, but apparently something different... hmmm. I look forward to finding out more.
Oh, this was my favorite line, by the way:
| Quote: | | It was a scene out of hell, as if the ground had opened up and exposed the realm of fire and death. |
This was great imagery backed up by great style.
I noticed a few GPS errors, though I see no purpose in pointing them out as you are well past the need of such things. My main gripes here was the use of hyperbole:
| Quote: | | ...along with a couple thousand divisions of Covenant troops. |
That would be over 10 million soldiers... a little much, I think, in any instance, but especially because it was noted the Covenant came with a small fleet to Earth.
| Quote: | | Two 14.5mm slugs pierced the morning air, traveling at light speed to their targets. |
Light speed? In the realm of reality, and even of Halo, this is impossible.
| Quote: | With incredible speed, it lunged forward and slammed its fist into Thomson's chest. The soldier flew ten feet backwards and skidded along the charred ground of the valley.
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Now, the fact that it was ten feet doesn't bother me so much... if he was as strong as you say... but then the captain got a kick to the head and was only stunned. Anything with that force would surely kill him.
Thing with hyperbole is it tends to damage suspension of disbelief.
One final thing, I noticed this:
| Quote: | | They merely charged forward, firing their plasma weapons into the shrubbery. |
I would think the plasma would make the shrubs burst into flame. Now, that would be some more great imagery to use alongside the one about the artillery... fighting in a burning forest... very cool. I like dramatic touches like that in literature, but that's more of a preference thing.
Again, great chapter. Keep writing so I can keep reading!
- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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Zombie
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Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 24
Location: Raccoon City
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| Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 10:39 pm Post subject: |
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| i'm happy to continue to get your comments sir, thanks very much. |
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 11:32 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked your intro, your experience in the armed forces really pays off here - the entire radio part really stood out to me because I could just imagine it in my head. I'm a sucker for that radio-style communication in a story, and if you can pull it off, well... even better. In fact, this whole story played like a well-written movie in my head. Props to you on that.
The action was extremely well-done - not too much detail to make my brain hurt and not too little to make me confused and wondering what was going on. The dialogue was realistic and to-the-point.
I don't really have anything to gripe with because Arthur pointed it all out, so this comment is really just praising you. You had me at '"Sentry to Alpha team, landing zone appears clear. I say again, landing zone appears clear, over."'  
Sorry it took so long to get to this, but you sure write a lot!  Waiting for the next one. |
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 579
Location: Northern Michigan
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| Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 3:32 am Post subject: |
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I need to submit my own chapter on this. For some reason while reading this, it feels empty, because I'm not a part of it.
I think I might get started on some segments. |
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Zombie
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Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 24
Location: Raccoon City
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| Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 12:12 am Post subject: |
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| thanks again folks. |
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