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The Lost Race: Part Three

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 12:36 pm    Post subject: The Lost Race: Part Three Reply with quote

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The Lost Race: Part Three
Posted by Imperorator_Jon (darthbalfy@yahoo.com)
18 August 2006, 7:03 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Imperorator_0818060703321.html
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Imperorator_Jon
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 12:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finally! I got my chapter in, not a moment too soon either. I have gallagher to thank for helping to write up the Covenant part, so I hope this all fell together nicely.
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Dr Sky Tower
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 11:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome! Am enjoying this series! Razz

It's got me wondering who this lost race is. Forerunners? I really like the mysteriousness of this alien race.

Very interesting POV's from all sides.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 2:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Space was silent, the gentle sounds of everyday life could not be heard within the dark vacuum that would often claim lives in this most holy war. One Covenant vessel, a Scout ship, would sit motionless outside the planetary defense forces' reach with their weapons, Phantom landing craft would be launched one after another. As they were fired upon, some of the unlucky dropships would explode in a brilliant explosion of red and blue. Silent, but visually appealing— the sole reason why Ship Master Oana Oan'weuii often loved to watch orbital command from safety, a personal habit.

Within the bridge of the mighty vessel, Ascending Truth, Oana leaned back within his comfortable chair that came with the necessities of being a Covenant Ship Master; this included a portable viewer, communication's control, and a switchboard for inter-ship communications. He relaxed as Grunts and Jackals worked furiously at their stations, a symbol of keen leadership. Soon, however, a blinking red light caught Oana's gaze as he lazily looked down. He flipped the switch with his left index hoof, or what would be surmised as a finger.

"Scanners, I hope you have a good report to file."

On his portable viewer, the screen jumped from gray to blue; an indication that the viewer was switching to visual communications. Runes quickly flashed across the screen, identifying what station was being switched to and what section of the ship it was on. The face of Coadjutor Elya Ena'owii appeared on the screen, the background showing Elites and two Grunts who were jumping and celebrating with joy.

"Ship Master, we have discovered the Luminated Path to the Beyond!"

Whatever held Oana in his state of laziness, he broke the holds that held him as he lunged out of his seat. His mandibles formed a look of surprise, as the bridge crew who worked around him immediately stopped completely with what they were doing and viewed the Ship Master with awe. They heard the report Elya made; they knew what was on the planet. Oana growled deeply, looking towards the planet that the holo-viewer was projecting.

"Send every unit on board the Ascending Truth, the Wraiths, the four Scarab walkers, the Banshees—everything that is within the holds of this vessel!" he proclaimed, slamming his fist onto the arm of the Captain's chair. "How dare the humans defile the great artifact that is the Luminated Path! No Elite, or Grunt, or Jackal, or Brute shall rest until we take that planet back!"


No credit given, HMM!? Sad
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 3:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Are you serious? Read closely, Gallagher.

Jon wrote:
I have gallagher to thank for helping to write up the Covenant part


It's time to learn how to scroll up.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 4:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Oana Oan'weuii


Sloppy.

Quote:
Luminated Path to the Beyond!


This doesn't sound too ornate, nor does it make the most sense in the world. Try something more like;

Quote:
The path of the gods


Or perhaps the Great Journey, but that's been taken. Razz

Quote:
"Send every unit on board the Ascending Truth, the Wraiths, the four Scarab walkers, the Banshees—everything that is within the holds of this vessel!" he proclaimed, slamming his fist onto the arm of the Captain's chair. "How dare the humans defile the great artifact that is the Luminated Path! No Elite, or Grunt, or Jackal, or Brute shall rest until we take that planet back!"


Extremely human-like. The Covenant wouldn't name their crafts that, nor would they name their own species human names. Don't forget about the good old conversion:

Elite - Sangheili
Grunt - Unggoy
Hunters - Lekgolo
Drones - Yamne'e
Brutes - Jiralhanae
Jackals - Kig-Yar

Work on that Covenant POV a bit.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 2:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Are you serious? Read closely, Gallagher.

Jon wrote:
I have gallagher to thank for helping to write up the Covenant part


It's time to learn how to scroll up


-[Slaps head]- Call me Surly. Thanks cold, my eyes must of missed that.

And that Luminated Path To the Beyond, I really don't know what that is now because me and Jon decided to scrap that idea wholely...I dunno why he even kept that in there, to tell ya.
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Imperorator_Jon
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 5:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I have some plans for it. Suffice to say the idea of it was changed, but the name can still have many meanings...

Anyways, I'm already trying to work out chapter four of it, so I have a full night ahead of me.

Oh, and thanks alot for the reviews, the more I get my flaws pointed out, the better it gets! Right? Razz
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher wrote:
-[Slaps head]- Call me Surly. Thanks cold, my eyes must of missed that.


No problem, Surly. Wink
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very cool, Imperator. A whole new race with complex and mysterious motivations. I really like the idea. The great level of detail adds much depth to the situation yet maintains the mystery. Great concept and great execution.

A handful of gripes, though:

Quote:
Whatever held Oana in his state of laziness, he broke the holds that held him as he lunged out of his seat.


I'm not sure laziness was the greatest word to describe him; perhaps complacent.

Quote:

Tellak to maintenance, one of the pods have malfunctioned.


This needed better format. Clearly, Tellak is telepathically hailing someone, yet it was just stuck in the middle of the paragraph as is. Try putting it in italics, or giving it its own paragraph with a small explanation.

Anyway, very nice so far, man. I look forward to the next.
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SPARTAN 117
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 2:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have no complaints, it was an excellent piece of art! I look forward to Chapter Four
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