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Here Lies Sarah Eaton: Part 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 12:35 pm    Post subject: Here Lies Sarah Eaton: Part 1 Reply with quote

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Here Lies Sarah Eaton: Part 1
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
17 August 2006, 1:03 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle0817061303471.html
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russ687
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Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 4:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, interesting, Arty. I don't really have anything to point out, GPS and technicalities were all fine by me. Plot wise, very vague, but I know that was your intent. I'm eager to see where this goes, as you've implicated Spartans and that little-known group of elite soldiers from your first series.

-R
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'Nosolee
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting, very interesting. I wonder where this is going and am looking forward to reading the next. The story is well written, mo suggestions there. My only question, did you intend for the dialogue to sound kind of "shakespearian" so to speak?
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Zombie
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Joined: 23 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 10:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

once again, fantastic writing sir, it's a real treat to read your chapters. the details you put into each paragraph make it seem like the reader is watching everything unfold around him/her. and to top it off, an excellent cliffhanger ending. i look forward to the next one.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the positive feedback guys. More to come next update.

And yes, the dialogue was meant to be, and will continued to be, stylized.
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Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 6:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh, very interesting. I like a story that tosses me into the middle of a situation and then slowly pulls back the veil. Nothing really stood out, but the writing was solid and consistent. My only gripe is some of the dialogue. Look at this:
Quote:
Elisa's eyes flashed in anger. "Had I but known you would seize every opportunity to throw the nature of my previous line of work in my face I might not have left."

This just sounds unnatural. It seems fitting for third-person narration, but not for dialogue. Try reading that out loud once, if you haven't already.

Quote:
Some of the people near the bar had turned to see the spectacle. To one Michael appealed in a hoarse voice, "Tell me, please, is the girl that stands before me now of flesh and blood or an apparition of my drunken mind?"

"There is a girl that stands there, sir, of dark hair and pale skin," the man confirmed in a voice slurred by alcohol.

"And why shouldn't you see me, sir, whom I believe to be Michael Eaton?" the girl asked curiously.

Again, I can't imagine people talking this way. I could imagine a drunk stumbling backwards in horror, grabbing the nearest guy with one hand while pointing frantically with the other and saying/yelling, "Do you see her too? Is she real?" It seems that you have them speaking in a way that sounds almost Shakespearean in structure, and that doesn't seem to fit the story. Or, perhaps, I've just had too much coffee tonight Wink

Other than that, this was very well done. This should be quite interesting. I'll read part 2 soon.

*NOTE: I didn't read the other comments until I submitted mine, and some of them addressed points that I brought up. From here on down is an addition to my original post. Yeah, I'm lazy and it was easier than rewriting Very Happy

I noticed this statement from you:
Quote:
And yes, the dialogue was meant to be, and will continued to be, stylized.

This explains much. I admit, I was wondering about the dialogue, especially since the other stuff I've read from you was so good. I have no problem with stylized dialogue, but for some reason it seemed awkward and out of place in this chapter. But this was a fairly short submission, and I'll see what you do with it in part 2.

C.T. Clown
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