HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Recce, Chapter Three

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:03 am    Post subject: Recce, Chapter Three Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Recce, Chapter Three
Posted by Zombie (kolin013@hotmail.com)
11 August 2006, 3:26 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Zombie0811060326181.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Syotica
Moderator


Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 578
Location: Upper Peninsula, Michigan

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 5:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Looks like the Cradle of Life; I remember you doing something like that in one of our chapters.

Me and you should get together sometime and work on this. Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Zombie
Member


Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 24
Location: Raccoon City

PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2006 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

haha, Cradle of Life, my stuff never got posted with that story. i'll stick to this thanks, unless no one likes this...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2006 4:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry for the late reply, man, I've been busy.

To get to it: another great chapter. Like the last one, this was full of fast paced action driven by realistic dialogue. I noticed a greater level of detail in this chapter and I think it worked out great. I felt more a part of the action and had a better idea of who the characters are and what they are doing. Certainly, the added depth to the characters was the most noticeable improvement in this chapter, I thought. Good job.

In terms of the plot, it continues to show potential with this mysterious new force and humanity's discovery of it. The best aspect of this particular chapter, though, was Dagmar's decision not to keep Victor on. Many authors would have gone the redemption route, though you stuck to the realistic road. Good decision.

I have a few complaints. I think the video feed of the new alien would have been better saved for later. Why would Dagmar have reviewed the footage in a hot battle zone with two wounded soldiers before calling in for help? It didn't ring true. Try and justify all events in your story appropriately. As Tom Clancy said, "The difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to make sense."

Also, while I noticed more detail here, I thought some of it was a little rushed. I'll give an example:

Quote:
Thomson was six foot five and could move so silently through a forest, it was like he wasn't even there.


Obviously one does not follow the other. If he is six foot five one would think he would be very noisy. Therefore you should make clear his ability to move silently through the forest is a remarkable trait rather than an expected one.

Anyway, another good chapter. Keep it up!

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Zombie
Member


Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 24
Location: Raccoon City

PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2006 5:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

once again, excellent feedback sir. i took your comments from the last chapter and used it in this one (i.e. character development and plot detail), and i'm glad to hear you enjoyed that.

my mind state for the video feed was that the area was secure for the time being, allowing Dagmar to probe a bit and figure out what's going on. a soldier can't really be efficient in the field if he or she has no intel on what's what. regardless though, they are behind enemy lines, nothing can be deemed safe, so i will ensure that changes happen there.

good eye on Thomson, i usually enjoy just straight explaining one's traits and abilities, but having them unwind throughout the story is even better.

thanks again sir.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Syotica
Moderator


Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 578
Location: Upper Peninsula, Michigan

PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2006 6:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zombie wrote:
haha, Cradle of Life, my stuff never got posted with that story. i'll stick to this thanks, unless no one likes this...


Yeah, sucks. I'll probably team up with you; Sergeant Lieberg was killed. Laughing
_________________
The Front Page ~ A new level of intellectual discussion.
http://tfp-forums.com
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group