HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

This topic is for posting comments to:

Recce, Chapter Three
Posted by Zombie (kolin013@hotmail.com)
11 August 2006, 3:26 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Zombie0811060326181.html

[Syotica]

Looks like the Cradle of Life; I remember you doing something like that in one of our chapters.

Me and you should get together sometime and work on this.

[Zombie]

haha, Cradle of Life, my stuff never got posted with that story. i'll stick to this thanks, unless no one likes this...

[Arthur Wellesley]

Sorry for the late reply, man, I've been busy.

To get to it: another great chapter. Like the last one, this was full of fast paced action driven by realistic dialogue. I noticed a greater level of detail in this chapter and I think it worked out great. I felt more a part of the action and had a better idea of who the characters are and what they are doing. Certainly, the added depth to the characters was the most noticeable improvement in this chapter, I thought. Good job.

In terms of the plot, it continues to show potential with this mysterious new force and humanity's discovery of it. The best aspect of this particular chapter, though, was Dagmar's decision not to keep Victor on. Many authors would have gone the redemption route, though you stuck to the realistic road. Good decision.

I have a few complaints. I think the video feed of the new alien would have been better saved for later. Why would Dagmar have reviewed the footage in a hot battle zone with two wounded soldiers before calling in for help? It didn't ring true. Try and justify all events in your story appropriately. As Tom Clancy said, "The difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to make sense."

Also, while I noticed more detail here, I thought some of it was a little rushed. I'll give an example:

[Zombie]

once again, excellent feedback sir. i took your comments from the last chapter and used it in this one (i.e. character development and plot detail), and i'm glad to hear you enjoyed that.

my mind state for the video feed was that the area was secure for the time being, allowing Dagmar to probe a bit and figure out what's going on. a soldier can't really be efficient in the field if he or she has no intel on what's what. regardless though, they are behind enemy lines, nothing can be deemed safe, so i will ensure that changes happen there.

good eye on Thomson, i usually enjoy just straight explaining one's traits and abilities, but having them unwind throughout the story is even better.

thanks again sir.

[Syotica]