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HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Syotica
Moderator
Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 579
Location: Northern Michigan
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 Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 5:33 pm Post subject: |
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Woah.
Okay, first off, you shouldn't take four paragraphs to write about "how amazing" the story is, nor write down the characters. That looks very very sloppy.
| Quote: | | Maybe not. My instructors are all rubber chickens in ballerina tutus with yarn coming out of their noses and they smell like old water.???????WTF??????WDTCF?????? |
This is Fan Fiction. The WTF??? should have been cut out. Nonetheless, this should be in the story, not the extended Authors Note you have.
| Quote: | Pickles = Rune
Nikko = Cortez
Alex = Shrouded Death
Aliana = Lily
Smooth Talker = Mandible/Jaw
Goose = LBC
Squishy = Le Grunt
Admiral Raziel |
Are these nicknames? This doesn't really need to be in here. A waste of space, and it looks quite sloppy.
That is quite a long story. I don't have the time to scan through it all, but juding it from the beginning, it didn't appeal to me at all; it just seemed like a silly rip of something that could happen. Also, you didn't use CODE, which is a basic tool most beginning authors forget to use. See the pinned topic in this forum. You need to space out your paragraphs instead of making it a 50-page cluster.
You need alot of work. Work on the GPS and paragraph spacing; the silly characters didn't appeal to me, I'm afraid. |
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 6:49 pm Post subject: |
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First off, kid. Your AN is a turnoff right away, and the way you introduced your characters is enough to turn me right off your story. Never do this. Ever seen a real book do this?
I suggest you start doing some serious reading, and then you'll get some serious comments. Geez, this reminds me of that kid 'whiteboylivesrap.'
- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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Dr Sky Tower
Member
Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 120
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
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| Posted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 10:35 pm Post subject: |
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Yikes 
Must admit this is the first story I've read on here that begins like this:
| Quote: | | Readers, are you ready? Well then fasten your seatbelts, because you are about to be blown away by the best story to hit paper since the Halo books themselves etc etc etc |
Nor would I have listed every character like that either, maybe during a first draft perhaps, but not the final product!!
Also, it was far too long, again (and I've said this in tons of posts now) you need to submit it in shorter chunks. Readers won't bother to read something this long that won't capture their attention immediately, even the title will put people off in some cases. But if it starts off with a very long bit on how cool, great, etc etc etc the author thinks their story is, it's a sure fire way to turn readers off their story period.  |
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Harvard123
Member
Joined: 27 Sep 2006
Posts: 2
Location: Massachusetts
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| Posted: Wed Sep 27, 2006 10:41 pm Post subject: Better |
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| much better but you really need to cut out those STUPID ASS, OVER ZELOUS, SELF GLORLIFYING messgaes in the beggining. And the character list really wasn't required. I suggest for your last one that you personally edit and I mean EDIT your story and post it yourself so the critics don't go bashing you for a newbs suck-ass work. A round of applause for your effort, but a really long booooooo for those insane begginings and your lack of CODE editorials. |
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Squishy69
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Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 1:34 am Post subject: |
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This is one awesome story. It looks like an actual novel the way it's set up. Plus, the whole Covenant side of the tale was more interesting and well done than what was in Halo 2. I actually connected with all the characters involved. I also enjoyed those funny moments with the SPARTANS.
Now I have something to say to you other reviewers: WHY ARE YOU SO FLIPPIN' CLOSE-MINDED!?!?!?!? You keep talking about the author's note but what about the entirety of the story!?!? Did you even bother to read through an entire section? "Oh, but the characters turn me off" and "Oh, the author's note is stupid" and "Oh, this entry is just too long, make it shorter, wah wah wah!" Well suck it up and read for once!!
Just about all of you so-called "critics" concentrate only what is right in front of you. Have you read the entire thing? If you have, then ignore me. If you didn't then just shush it! Especially you Syotica!
Of course, Harvard was kind enough to give some constructive criticism about action scenes. Yet all you other guys talk only about the opening. Maybe next time you should read an entire entry before making an honest review. And don't go complaining about the length as an excuse; it just means it's more of a detailed story than all the other things on this site. Peace.  |
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darkling angel
Member
Joined: 10 Aug 2006
Posts: 3
Location: Rakata Prime
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| Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 2:11 am Post subject: |
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Ok, guys, chill out! This is fanfiction, not the Bible, for cryin' out loud. Sure there's some rough stuff, but you have to start somewhere. As for the author's note, if you don't like it DON'T READ IT. I personally hate author's notes (at least at the beginning of the story) and usually skip them anyway, be they good or bad. But this is beside the point. Don't go around detracting from other author's works without the courtesy of at least reading them all the way through. And try to phrase your criticisms in a more constructive way. I don't care if you've been beta-reading for years (as I have) or for two days. Hostile detractions lead to hostile retaliations. Then nobody's happy because the work doesn't get any better and everyone's angry at everyone else. You lot need to calm down. Do you remember your first posts? Were they perfect? No, I guarantee you they weren't. But you kept on, learned from your mistakes, and I assume you got better since you're being so high-handed in your judgement. I haven't read any of your works and your attitude makes me disinclined to. *sigh.* Anyway, I have better things to do than lecture irresponsible reviewers. Just keep in mind that you were all new once, too, and that it takes a helluva lot of guts to post the inner workings of your mind for the world to see.
- darkling angel
Beta reader for EMS, CHS, KFM, CC.
PS - Congratulations on the posting of your second fanfiction, ink. |
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Arthur Wellesley
Member
Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 2:33 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | And don't go complaining about the length as an excuse; it just means it's more of a detailed story than all the other things on this site. |
Longer does not mean more detailed. You give me a headache.
| Quote: | | You lot need to calm down. Do you remember your first posts? Were they perfect? No, I guarantee you they weren't. But you kept on, learned from your mistakes, and I assume you got better since you're being so high-handed in your judgement. |
Me? I took my lumps and listened to the vets' advice.
I didn't read this. Way too long. Try and submit it in smaller chunks.
- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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Goose250624
Member
Joined: 06 Oct 2006
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 2:07 am Post subject: Another Wonderful Installment by InkSikes |
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InkSikes,
Congratulations on another wonderful installment of Halo. Once again, don't pay attention to these overcritical commenters. They really have no idea what they are talking about. I greatly enjoyed the in depth actions scenes, and the building relations between Human and Covenant was highly interesting. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to the third installment.
As for you other commenters, I honestly do not understand you people. Obviously ya'll have been so spoiled with your puny, whimpy, ten page stories that you don't recognize a great story when it slaps you in the face.
| Quote: | | Also, it was far too long, again (and I've said this in tons of posts now) you need to submit it in shorter chunks. |
Of course it is long, it's a full story. This isn't your average crap story like other small time authors write, this is a full fledged novel. As for separating it, that's a crappy idea. I have a hard enough time trying to find these two stories. As a reader, I would much prefer to have this story in one large chunk versus fifty smaller chunks that I have to scour the website to find. You readers that say this is too long don't have the patience to enjoy a story.
You say the characters turn you off? Ok, I'm cool with that. You are obviously the type of person who enjoys their characters to have no emotion, no feeling, and no personality. You say that you don't like the way the characters were introduced in this second installment, then how would you have them introduced? You can't just drop someone into the story right at the action scenes, there has to be some sort of scene setting.
And to you Author's Note hater. What the heck is your problem? An Author's Note is the place where the author takes a minute to express his thoughts. Like darkling angel said, if you don't like it, skip it.
As for the re-listing of characters, that is completely approriate. Some people may have a hard time tracking the changes in character call-signs, so this can help out greatly.
And finally, I'm am sick and tired of ya'll's overall negative attitude toward this great installment. Excuse me for being a loyal supporter of a wonderful story while you all support lesser, cruddier stories. I don't know what I'm talking about, you say? I took the time and read Halo The Religion and excuse me for saying that it was a story straight out of the septic tank. Honestly, a cult based on Halo where Bill Gates, some Japanese guy with a screwed up name, and the SPARTANs are worshipped gods? Please. And you prove your faith through a multiplayer killing spree? What kind of bull hickey is that? And you same people gave that story a great review, saying it was wonderful. My gosh, it isn't even plausible. How can you give a crap story like that where the main character complains about missing the chili they were serving for lunch good reviews, and give this story (which by the way has great action scenes, a believable plot, and is written in a way that you can place yourself in the SPARTANs' shoes) such horrible reviews. You people dare call yourselves critics. You make me sick.
Overall, before you make a comment, you had better read the whole thing. Quit thinking of ways not to enjoy the story and just let yourself be absorbed into its greatness.
| Quote: | | That is quite a long story. I don't have the time to scan through it all, but juding it from the beginning, it didn't appeal to me at all; |
What on earth was this guy doing making a comment on a story that he hasn't even read? If you haven't read it, then you can't critique it. Look, I'd love to sit here all night and explain to ya'll why this story is much better than anything else on this site, but to be honest, I don't feel like wasting my time on incompetant people who are too naive to fully comprehend this story.
Oh, and one more thing before I go.
| Quote: | and the way you introduced your characters is enough to turn me right off your story. Never do this. Ever seen a real book do this?
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Look bud, from the crap I've seen on this website, none of the sumbmissions to this place are ever going to be published, so why don't you quit acting like you are the New Yourk Times, suck up your egotistical pride, and just enjoy the story for what it is.
Good day to you all.
PS: Once again, great job, InkSikes. I'll be looking for more of your work. |
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Spartan006
Member
Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.
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| Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 7:05 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm...people just have no respect for their superiors these days. | Goose250624 wrote: | | This isn't your average cr*p story like other small time authors write, this is a full fledged novel. As for separating it, that's a crappy idea. |
Unfortunately, some of the people here have lives and do not have time to read something this long. | Quote: | Okay, well enjoy. I want to quickly thank Mr. Forehead, (Squishy) for his inspirational books, (Halo, of course.) and Mr. Buddha, (Goose) for his satisfactory job on sppell checking this whole miserable story. Also, thank YOU for reading it.
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Yeah...awesome job with the spellchecking. | Quote: | Now I have something to say to you other reviewers: WHY ARE YOU SO FLIPPIN' CLOSE-MINDED!?!?!?!? You keep talking about the author's note but what about the entirety of the story!?!? Did you even bother to read through an entire section? "Oh, but the characters turn me off" and "Oh, the author's note is stupid" and "Oh, this entry is just too long, make it shorter, wah wah wah!" Well suck it up and read for once!!
Just about all of you so-called "critics" concentrate only what is right in front of you. Have you read the entire thing? If you have, then ignore me. If you didn't then just shush it! Especially you Syotica!
Of course, Harvard was kind enough to give some constructive criticism about action scenes. Yet all you other guys talk only about the opening. Maybe next time you should read an entire entry before making an honest review. And don't go complaining about the length as an excuse; it just means it's more of a detailed story than all the other things on this site. Peace. |
You, my good sir, need to calm down. People come read the story and try to help by saying that the story is to long, and what do you do? You come and get all angry over some constructive criticism. Saying that the story is to long to read is constructive! | darkling angel wrote: | | Do you remember your first posts? |
Yes, and they were alot better than this one. | Goose250624 wrote: | How can you give a cr*p story like that where the main character complains about missing the chili they were serving for lunch good reviews, and give this story (which by the way has great action scenes, a believable plot, and is written in a way that you can place yourself in the SPARTANs' shoes) such horrible reviews. You people dare call yourselves critics. You make me sick.
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You make me sick. We aren't supposed be able to place ourselves in the Spartans shoes, that is unless you were stolen away at the age of six, taken to a secret military and given superhuman abilities. Your goal is to try to show the story from the Spartan's point of view. | Goose250624 wrote: | | I'm am sick and tired of ya'll's overall negative attitude toward this great installment. Excuse me for being a loyal supporter of a wonderful story while you all support lesser, cruddier stories. |
Goose I could find twenty stories on here that are better than this one. In fact, I think I'll do that. I'll be back!
_________________
Randomly invading your fanfiction since 2006. |
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Skul
Member
Joined: 16 May 2005
Posts: 199
Location: UK, Scotland
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| Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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Methinks Goose is the author in disguise.
| Goose250624 wrote: | | don't pay attention to these overcritical commenters. They really have no idea what they are talking about. |
Yup, the people who have been writing here for years and can smell a bad fanfic from a mile away have no idea what they're talking about. 
| Goose250624 wrote: | | your puny, whimpy, ten page stories that you don't recognize a great story when it slaps you in the face. |
These 'smaller, ten page stories' are more laden with detail, have better descriptions and more involving storylines than this entire 'story'.
| Goose250624 wrote: | | This isn't your average cr*p story |
Yeah, it's worse.
| Goose250624 wrote: | | I would much prefer to have this story in one large chunk versus fifty smaller chunks that I have to scour the website to find. |
You don't have to 'scour the website' to find the chapters. There is something called the 'Search' button that allows you to *gasp* search the website. Both on the forum and the fanfic page. Also, when you submit a chapter, you can set it so that it's part of a series. After clicking on one of the series' chapters, there is an option to read the entire series.
Smaller chunks allow each chapter to be commented on and lets the author know if they need to make an improvement or if their readers enjoyed that chapter or not.
| Goose250624 wrote: | | You are obviously the type of person who enjoys their characters to have no emotion, no feeling, and no personality |
Our characters do have emotions, feelings, personalities and depth.
| Goose250624 wrote: | | You say that you don't like the way the characters were introduced in this second installment, then how would you have them introduced? |
Gee, let's see... perhaps during the story? Read a real book. As Dave Luck said, books don't introduce all their characters at the start. That's for plays where everyone needs to know all the characters so they can get people to play them. Introducing all characters at the start in a book is a bad idea, since there is not really any surprise when they appear. For example, say one character we haven't met yet is said to be dead. Later on, they show up unexpectedly, creating a bigger impact. Having them introduced straight away ruins the moment, since we already know they're going to be in the story.
| Goose250624 wrote: | | You can't just drop someone into the story right at the action scenes, there has to be some sort of scene setting. |
That doesn't make much sense. Why not introduce the character during the action scene?
| Goose250624 wrote: | | you all support lesser, cruddier stories |
Our stories are not as good as this... thing... because it doesn't take several weeks to read? I can see you haven't read any stories apart from ones that require you to use a magnifying glass to find your scrollbar.
| Goose250624 wrote: | | none of the sumbmissions to this place are ever going to be published |
This we know, but why shouldn't we have a high standard, here? I think a lot of us here are budding authors (myself included), so this place is good for allowing us to practice and get feedback on our writing. It saves us time in creating entirely new worlds, since we already have something to base our characters and stories on -- the Halo franchise.
Again, go read a book by some well-known and successful authors so you know what a good book looks and reads like. I don't think you'll find anything like "ZOMG LOL THIs book iZ TEh r0x0r!1!!!!! u wont 2 HAV me bABies!!1!!" in them, either in the author's notes or the actual story. If you do, please tell me about this book.
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Fanfic Currently Working On: Finally continuing Inferno. Slow going. | XBox Live Account: SkulY2K |
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Dr Sky Tower
Member
Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 120
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
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| Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 11:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm, and that's exactly the title of one of the TWO messages I received in my inbox from this author and/or his mates/pseudopomps/alibis/altar egos etc etc etc, for not writing a "positive" comment about his story. 
The authors' notes at the beginning of this story, according to whoever it was who left those messages in my inbox, was in fact penned by his mate without his knowledge and submitted to this fansite by this so-called good friend of his.
Go Figure.
Sheesh.  |
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Spartan006
Member
Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.
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| Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:42 pm Post subject: |
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I'm am sick and tired of ya'll's overall negative attitude toward this great installment. Excuse me for being a loyal supporter of a wonderful story while you all support lesser, cruddier stories.
Goose I could find twenty stories on here that are better than this one. In fact, I think I'll do that. I'll be back! |
I said I'd be back. Eat your heart out Goosey.
| Quote: | "Ghosts of Erebus"
"Waking the dead"
"Short Tales of Terror"
"Between the Hammer and Anvil"
"Invasion of the Noobs: An Elegy for Clowns"
"Rusted Faith"
"Code n O O b: Chapter 1 - The Code"
"Memories of a Dying Soldier"
"Journal of Suno Happer"
"Biological Storage"
"Draconic's Fic" although there are many other names for her series
"Court of Darkness"
"Twilight"
"Inferno"
"Hunter Flood"
"Guerilla"
"Alternate Realities"
"The Foosball Vendeta"
"Wise"
"Fathers Eyes" |
_________________
Randomly invading your fanfiction since 2006. |
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darkling angel
Member
Joined: 10 Aug 2006
Posts: 3
Location: Rakata Prime
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| Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 11:32 pm Post subject: Ridiculous |
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Alright, gentlemen. I am tired of hearing about this. There is a single, simple solution to the problem hear. Do you want to know what it is?
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT DON'T BLOODY READ IT!!!
End of discussion. Don't you people have anything better to do?
darkling angel (coriolis)
ps to the people who know me - Ignore them and drop it. Take whatever advice they give, however it's given, work with it, and keep writing. Either readers will like it or they won't, that's all there is to it. Move on. |
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Chuckles
Member
Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 12:05 am Post subject: |
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Darkling Angel wrote:
| Quote: | | IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT DON'T BLOODY READ IT!!! |
This is a silly comment. Exactly how is anybody supposed to know if they like something before they read it? If you post stuff on here, you risk getting criticized. That's just the way it is. If anybody doesn't like that, I would advise them to stop posting stories.
My apologies to InkSikes for posting on his/her thread without reading the story.
C.T. Clown |
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