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The Lost Race: Part Two

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:02 am    Post subject: The Lost Race: Part Two Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Lost Race: Part Two
Posted by Imperorator_Jon (darthbalfy@yahoo.com)
9 August 2006, 9:56 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Imperorator_0809062156451.html
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Imperorator_Jon
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Joined: 29 Oct 2005
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Location: Moop?

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 9:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, before anybody gets into it, I must give you warning. Violence. Is. Not. My. Strongpoint.

I tried it as best I could, and at 4 A.M. So any GPS..... yeah it was my fault. I tried to run it through spellcheck, so mabye it works alright. Any reviews are appreciated.
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SPARTAN 117
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Joined: 12 Aug 2006
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

but you did a good job.
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First sentence was a run-on. Should've been like,

Quote:
Eric, his mind set on the task ahead, drove the Warthog through the abandoned streets. The desolate roads and hastily-abandoned shops reminding him of the last time the invasion sirens were activated when a ship of pirates had invaded his home.


Read that out loud; flows a lot better, doesn't it?

Quote:
Those few men were trained for every imaginable form of combat possible


Again, not necessary. Razz

Quote:
They were the best of the best, and fittingly named the Panthers for their strength and talent. They were what all Marines on Orion hoped to become.


I really like that part. Fits together very nicely. Are the Panthers sort of like ODSTs?

Quote:
As the marine driver cursed his luck, he saw a U-shaped craft fly overhead, a trio of strange poles aimed at his armored vehicle. The gunner, wasting no time to see what it would do, fired a trio of rockets at the vividly-colored craft. As the trio of rockets impacted, a flurry of beams fired from the craft, missing due to the impact.


You must like that word. Laughing

Quote:
The pilot smirked as he swerve around once more


Should be 'swerved'.

Not as many grammatical mistakes in this one - some cluttered sentences, but nothing extraordinary. If anything, the writing has improved since part one. Wink Good job on this one, the length was right on and I'm keen to see what happens next.

Keep it up, just work on what I've told you.
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Imperorator_Jon
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 10:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To address this in order, the Panthers are essentially the Special Operations of the planet, much more well trained than ODSTs. Think mini-chiefs without the shields. I plan on adding a character about them in as well.

And for anybody interested, I'm going to be careful about this second race, it's going to be an interesting project in my eyes. I'm getting onto the chapter as I type.
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 3:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The combat wasn't badly written. Most people aren't bad at teh akshun as long as they don't try to stretch it out for pages and pages and pages.

I like. Write more.
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2006 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

mini-chief's even without shields is a scary thought.
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2006 4:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A solid second entry, with some good action to compliment to fine details. You set an interesting stage, with a unique special forces up against the Covenant. I thought the fighter scene was quite well done and fairly original. It is not so often you find single ship fights, as the bulk of action usually takes place on the ground. Nicely done.

I thought this was lacking in some of the more colorful details in the last chapter. Granted this was more fast paced because the action is starting, but I thought a few places could have used a bit more description.

Lastly, as has been pointed out, you repeated words in a number of instances. It's just a little distracting.

I look forward to where you take this. Hopefully more will be revealed...

-Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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